The character of Dana Katherine Scully
-- strong, independent FBI agent -- has become a role model for prepubescent
girls everywhere. Here are Dana Katherine Scully's 25 easy steps to being strong
and independent -- in one's love life, in one's family life, and in one's career.
AFFAIRS OF THE HEART
1. Other women are evil. Find something funny about them, such as having a painful disease, to taunt them with.
2. If your partner is permanently transported into another body, complain to him about how it has affected your career.
3. If your partner is killed, complain to your mother about how it has affected your career.
4. If your flesh-eating dog is killed, mourn openly.
5. If your partner is lacking in the furniture-giving department, pick up a psycho stranger in a tattoo parlor and spend the night with him. Just imagine the look on your partner's face when he finds out. That'll show him!
6. If you're warned that someone will come to your house to kill you, have your sister over to keep you company. No, wait! Make that *don't* have your sister over to keep you company. Whew!
7. When invited to spend the holiday with your family, make life miserable for your hosts by moping, sleeping in, and avoiding family outings. If possible, make pregnant family members feel guilty about being happy in your presence.
8. Don't dally with family and friends on the day your father is buried. Mom will understand.
9. If you should contract a fatal disease, don't tell your mother personally. Instead, get your partner to break the
news to her over the phone. Mom will understand.
10. The only religion whose myths and miracles are real is YOUR religion. Other peoples' religions are mere
superstition and should be openly scoffed at.
HOW TO COMPORT YOURSELF AT WORK
11. Believe nothing you see, hear, taste, feel or smell. Believe only stories told to you by strange men who pushed you down a flight of stairs earlier that day.
12. Complain when your partner goes on a case with you.
13. Complain when your partner goes on a case without you.
14. If your job entails investigating paranormal phenomena, complain whenever your investigation involves paranormal phenomena.
15. If you should decide, after the appropriate amount of complaining (see Rules #12-14), to participate in such investigations, you are entitled to copious amounts of gratitude. If you don't get as much as you'd like, threaten to quit.
16. If your job routinely involves performing autopsies, refuse to perform any autopsy which may have the tendency to feed the delusions of people who are already dead. If you are nonetheless pressed, just pretend to do the autopsy while being insufferably rude to your assistant.
17. Ridicule your partner in front of others. "Don't mind him, he'll go on forever" is sure to get a laugh!
18. Psychoanalyze your partner on a regular basis. It's fun and educational! Do not, however, show any interest in the psychology of suspects who murder women by sticking pointy objects into their brains while speaking German. In such cases, let "What the hell does it matter?" be your motto.
19. If you should be abducted, given a fatal disease, rendered barren, and given a mind-controlling implant, AND if you happen to work in a division of the FBI that investigates precisely those types of occurrences, DO NOT under any circumstances do anything to find out what happened to you or why.
20. You have the right to know the details of the past sex lives of your colleagues. If they don't come clean themselves, get their friends to dig up the dirt for you. (NOTE: If your colleague does not exhibit signs of gratitude at this point, walk out in a huff.)
21. Never laugh. Never smile. Nobody respects a person with a sense of humor.
22. Remember that you're on the side of "the victim." The fact that you frequently falsely accuse and/or try to incarcerate "the victim" is immaterial. After all, it's the thought that counts.
23. Shout "I'M A MEDICAL DOCTOR" in your loudest voice whenever possible and to anyone who will listen. However, avoid actually rendering medical assistance whenever a drowning child requires CPR or your partner is dying of asphyxiation.
24. Similarly, while reminding everyone you meet that you are a SCIENTIST, do not bother yourself with such trivia as the possible existence of a previously undiscovered evolutionary throwback. A simple "So what?" will do nicely in such cases.
25. Above all, remember ... YOU ARE SPECIAL. When strange phenomena happen to you, it is because God is talking to you. When strange phenomena happen to others, it is because they are loony, and you should treat them with the ridicule they deserve.
Keep these simple rules in mind, and you too can become lonely and neurot ... er, strong and independent.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It goes without saying that Fox Mulder makes a lousy role model himself. But then, no one is preaching to young people that they should view him as such.
|| THE WINNERS' CIRCLE || INCOGNITO
|| CHEMICAL REACTION
LEFT FIELD || SKANKY HO CENTRAL || THE HOUSE OF LYSANDRA
HORRID THINGS || THE DEN OF INIQUITY || LISA'S HAVEN || THE CATACOMB
ROCKETMAN'S BASE STATION || FRED & GINGER'S SMUT CLASSICS
BATTER UP! || FIVE POINT RESTRAINTS || STRANGER THAN FICTION
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