Dedicated “X-Files” fans in the United States are in the midst of another seemingly unending summer hiatus, leaving many in severely depressed conditions.

Barely more than halfway through the five-and-a-half month break between Season Six and Season Seven, already more than 200 of the most-devout fans of the show have undergone treatment for withdrawal symptoms. These treatments have included repeated viewings of various episodes — the most popular of which have been “Pusher,” the “Anasazi” trilogy, and “Redux II” — as well as large doses of canned iced tea and sunflower seeds.

Special treatment options have been designed for “noromo” fans as well, according to Dr. Angian Grounes of the new Television Addicts Wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.

“We’ve had to experiment with some patients,” said Grounes, who has been overseeing the treatment of more than 25 fans at the center. “The standard treatments have only worsened the conditions of non-relationshippers, because of the generally ’shippy content of so many of the best episodes. We’ve been falling back on some of the early Darin Morgan scripts to counteract the effects of too much tenderness between Mulder and Scully.”

Grounes added that doctors have had a difficult time finding a good balance between the angst quotient inherent in the show and the patients’ need for a lighter touch to counteract their depression.

“The Darin Morgan scripts have helped, but we’ve also been turning more and more to Vince Gilligan’s more humorous work to counteract the depressive effects,” Grounes said. “We’ve already gone through at least a dozen videotapes of both ‘Jose Chung’s “From Outer Space”’ and ‘Bad Blood.’ And the final scene of ‘The Unnatural’ is getting warped from use on every copy we have.”

Doctors are urging fans experiencing mood swings or other signs of withdrawal to self-medicate by watching reruns or favorite episodes on tape, reading fanfic, or “finding another hobby, dammit.”

A host of unknown and little-known songwriters and singers are hard at work on new songs in honor of “X-Files” stars Mitch Pileggi, Nicolas Lea, and William B. Davis, among others.

Following the cult success of songs dedicated to the show’s stars, Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny — as well as several songs which mention the show or its characters — dozens of down-on-their-luck artists desperate to make a name for themselves are jumping on the bandwagon.

A few of the early song title possibilities being discussed include “Everyone Loves a One-Armed Rat,” “There's Just Something About Mitch’s Shiny Head,” and “Cigarettes and Water-Skis.”

Other writers are deep into development of tunes centered around less-prominent characters and events from the show. One New York-based band has recently begun performing its own tribute, “I Ate the Flukeman for Dinner.”

Huge piles of rejected scripts and script revisions have left “X-Files” writer and producer John Shiban nearly unable to move around in his office on the show’s set, according to a source who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Shiban has been responsible for such widely-panned episodes as “Teso dos Bichos” and “El Mundo Gira.” The latter, based on the mythical Chupacabra, the so-called “Mexican goat-sucker,” earned him the nickname of “Goatboy” among fans of the show disgusted by his efforts. He has penned one or two more-accepted scripts, including “The Pine Bluff Variant,” but according to the anonymous source, the scripts which have made it to production are only a handful of Shiban’s “best” efforts.

“If you think his episodes are bad, you should see the crap that gets trashed,” the source said.

Shiban’s apparent inability to write a decent script makes it unclear why he continues to attempt solo works, particularly since his collaborations with other writers have often produced very well-regarded episodes. For example, the episode “Milagro” featured a teleplay by the show’s creator, Chris Carter, that was based on a story co-written by Shiban and writer-producer Frank Spotnitz. The episode is considered by many the top effort of the 1998-1999 season, and may have also broken a running curse: Nearly every previous episode with a Spanish title, up to and including the simply atrocious “Agua Mala” in Season Six, had turned out to be completely crappy.

Chris Carter’s personal publicist was fired Tuesday after mistakenly issuing a press release containing a definitive statement from the “X-Files” creator.

The release, sent to various trade magazines and other media outlets, included a quote attributed to Carter which was both clear and unambiguous. Carter’s office released a statement late on Tuesday apologizing for the “unfortunate clarity” of the quote in question. The statement went on to reiterate Carter’s longstanding policy of never treating anything as indisputable fact.

’TIL NEXT TIME ...

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