***DISCLAIMER***: All "X-Files" elements and references
in this story belong to Fox Broadcasting, Chris Carter,
and 1013 Productions, and I am making no money from it.

ARCHIVING: Link only, please!

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Date I
by shannono
shannono@iname.com


Vignette, Humor

Rated PG

Spoilers through "Kitsunegari"

Summary: Scully has a date and some fun.

Comment/dedication: I was talking with my best friend (and
fellow X-Phile) Kris on the phone one night about how Mulder
and Scully will have to end up together eventually because
no one else would understand them. I started rattling off
all this stuff Scully's been through, as if she was trying
to explain it all to a date. It was hilarious, so Kris said
I had to write it. Here it is, dedicated to Kris, of course.

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Date I
by shannono


Dana Scully stifled a yawn as the man seated across from her droned
on and on about himself, everything from his childhood to his college
years to the latest case. Board games, college romance, evidence,
videotapes, stakeouts ... after seven years with the FBI, she never
thought it could all be so boring.

But then, she'd never been set up on a blind date with a divorce
attorney before.

She fixed her eyes on Carl Folsom, Esquire, arranged her face into
her best impression of rapt attention, and tuned him out, keeping only
enough awareness on him to notice if anything he said required a
response. It hasn't yet, she thought, but you never know ...

Her eyes unfocused slightly, and her mind wandered a bit. I'm going
to kill Sandy, she thought, targeting the old college friend who'd set
her up with Carl in the first place. I'd almost rather face another
Flukeman than stay here another minute.

"... but Dana" -- she snapped back to herself as Carl said her name --
"... you haven't told me anything about yourself." He giggled. (Could
a man really giggle? she wondered.) "Or is it ... *classified*?"

She fought the urge to roll her eyes. Okay, she thought.  She smiled
sweetly, but anyone who knew her at all would recognize the daggers
in her eyes.

She decided to start him off easy. "Well, I grew up a typical Navy brat,
lived all over the country, then decided on a career in medicine. I
studied forensic pathology, then was recruited into the FBI and chose
to go in that direction. Against my father's wishes, I might add."

She recognized the expression on Carl's face as similar to hers during
his spiel. Well, she thought, Let's see how he reacts to *this*.

"Five years ago, I was partnered with Fox Mulder on the X-Files,
investigating everything from UFO sightings to genetic mutants to
government conspiracies." Carl's eyes refocused on her, and an
amazed look grew on his face. That got his attention, she thought
triumphantly, moving in for the kill.

"Since then, I've been abducted -- either by aliens or the government,
depending on who you ask -- during which time my ova were harvested
and a metal implant was placed under the skin on the back of the neck.
I had the implant removed, but then I developed brain cancer, so I had
the implant replaced and my cancer went into remission." She lifted a
hand and ran one finger across the back of her neck as she spoke.
"You can feel it under there." She dropped her hand and went on.

"A few months ago, I discovered a daughter I didn't know I had,
apparently the result of my abduction and the experiments that were
conducted on me. She died just a few days after I found her.

"I've also been kidnapped several times, held hostage, attacked in various
exotic ways and shot or shot at numerous times. I've even shot my partner,
and we've held each other at gunpoint occasionally, sometimes against
our will. Both of us have faced people impersonating us.

"Oh, and my sister died from a bullet meant for me, and Mulder's father
was killed about the same time. And did I mention Mulder's sister was
abducted herself when they were children?"

Scully had watched with growing amusement and satisfaction as Carl's
eyes widened and his jaw gradually dropped during her little soliloquy.
She finished up with, "I won't even get into the giant flukeworm, the liver
eater, the mind controllers, the shapeshifters, or the cancer eater. And
I can't tell you much about the vampires, since that was while I was
missing." She paused for a sip of water, then smiled her saccharine
smile again. "Anything else you'd like to know?"

Carl stared, his mouth still hanging open and his dinner forgotten on the
table before him. Slowly, he closed his mouth and swallowed several
times, then said in a shaky voice, "Uh, actually, Dana, I'm not feeling
all that well. Would you mind terribly if I had to cut this short?"

She managed to suppress her smile and said, in what she hoped was
a concerned voice, "Of course not. I hope you're not coming down with
something."

He gave her a shaky smile. "Nothing serious, I'm sure." He rose,
unsteadily. "Uh, would you mind if I called you a cab? I really think
I should go straight home."

She stood as well, still trying to hold in her laughter. "No, don't worry
about it, I'll do it," she said. "It was nice meeting you, Carl." She held
out her hand, and he shook it, somewhat reluctantly, then turned and
left the restaurant.

Dana sat back down, then gave in to her urge and laughed softly. She
pulled out her cell phone, punched in a familiar number, and waited for
an answer. Oh, Mulder's going to *love* this one, she thought.

==========END==========