She Is Wondering
By RocketMan

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She is wondering what has happened so tragically to Mulder that causes
him to be forever hurting, and she is thinking about how much her life
hurts now.

Before Mulder, her life was a small sphere of influence that consisted
of doing her job, tucking away the horror, and trying to decentralize
the role her father played in her life.

Even after Mulder, her father was central; she supposed no daughter gets
over her father - the first love of her life.

She was naive and innocent, all that Mulder was not.

And she thought then, that by now she would be completely unaffected by
it all, but that was the farthest from the truth she could get.

She is wondering why she has managed to heal with time and why Mulder
has not.

She is wondering why that makes her the one that has to be strong,
simply because her hurt is on the inside and is not seen.

She is thinking about Mulder in the hospital and wondering why he has
not come to her, why he leaves everytime she is hurting, whether it is
physically or spiritually.

Whether his leaving is physically or spiritually.

She is laying stiffly, her muscles are refusing to relax as she worries
about what he is doing to himself, what he has done to her.

She wonders why Mulder stays so far, why the hurt in him has not scarred
over.

At least with scars he does not feel the pain, only numbness.

And numbness can be a beautiful thing.

She wishes he were here already, putting aside himself for one magical
instant, but she knows that is unfair.

Unfair.

Unfair to blame him for things he could not help, was born into. Into
lies and pain and abuse, and things no child can ever be completely
healed of.

No child like Mulder.

One who is so very sensitive inside.

Which is why she believes she must be strong, why this cancer is so
painful for them both.

He needs her strength and she cannot provide it, as if it is her duty;
she believes it is her duty.

Leftover religion? she wonders.

The sense of duty to Mulder stemming from God is something she cannot
believe Mulder would ever buy into.

Although he has come quite close.

She is alone still in the hospital and still wondering about him, about
her.

He sneaks in and she catches a glimpse of his pale face.

He doesn't smile or say a word, after all, they are not on the best of
terms after their argument.

He sits beside her and picks her hand up off the bed.

So, he is here.

She is wondering why.

So hypocritical today.

She wanted him here, right?

Just . . . just with her for real. Being real. Being Mulder and not the
tormented boy that craved love and affection, that longed for stability
and a mother.

She could not be that tonight.

But he needs that tonight and she listens to his words that pour like
water from a showerhead whose spray is hot and needlelike.

She listens to the angry words about affairs and parentage and Samantha.

She is wondering who will listen to him when she is dead, when all the
blood has bled from her body.

She is wondering and listening to Mulder's hurt and, once again, shoving
her own away.

She is wondering if he will ever stop and listen to her.

end
adios
RocketMan