Sarah Companion : Family IV
By RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com<

Disclaimer: Scully and Mulder belong to Chris Carter. Sarah and
Stephanie belong to Carol Critton.

Deciation: This is dedicated to Carol, for creating the 'Family' in the
first place. And for her never ending contribution to the ideas that
make up these stories. I also really appreciate her editting. Couldn't
live without it! =-)

Family  IV

Chapter One

When Dana found out she was pregnant, she prayed for a son.

A boy Mulder could teach and be proud of, a son to give him new
experiences and unseen joys.

A child that would have a fighting chance for Mulder's affections.

They began to give ten-year old Sarah more responsibility in the
household chores.

She would help Mulder cook dinner, and keep her room straight, bed made.
Sarah was excited about the prospect of a little sister and she talked
endlessly on the subject.

She even said she would baby-sit whenever they wanted to go out, but
only when she turned twelve.

And only if her name was Stephanie.

Scully actually liked the name, agreeing with Sarah that it sounded
different, more special, but Mulder said it sounded too much like a
little child's name. He wondered what would she think when she was older
and hated having such a childish name.

Scully thought it was a beautiful name.

Sarah eagerly championed the cause until arguments constantly by both
his wife and his daughter convinced Mulder that Stephanie was a good
name for a girl.

But Dana secretly hoped for a boy.

While Sarah insisted it would be a girl and would not even let them
think of boy's names, Scully prayed that a son would catch Mulder's
attention.

But when her baby girl was placed in her weakened arms, and her
beautiful soft face peered out at her, Scully swore to give her as much
love as was lavished upon Sarah.

So when Mulder saw his new baby, the fierce protection in Scully's eyes
shocked him, but he dismissed it and proceeded to marvel at their
creation.

The newborn blue eyes opened for them to smile over and the thick, light
brown, almost red, hair caught their attention; she was definitely a
Scully woman.

Distinctly not a Mulder.

The nurse did tell them that the eye color changes with growth, and that
most babies are born with dark hair, but to them, in that instant, her
look branded her a Scully.

Which Mulder didn't mind at all.

Dana, however, saw how he regarded her differently already.

She was named Stephanie, not so much because Mulder gave in, but because
it was Sarah's suggestion and she'd already taken to calling her sister
Stephanie anyway.

Not to mention that all her Barbie dolls had the same name.

Mulder would hold Stephanie and Scully could see the wonder there, but
it was the look-what-I've-made wonder, and the awe of how perfectly tiny
she was.

For Scully, it was the first child awe, the flesh and blood maternal
instinct, and the swelling pride.

She did love Sarah too, but she could already tell it was different.
Not that she loved one 'best' just that it was different.

Dana loved Sarah because she was Mulder's, because she had fallen in
love with her.

Dana loved Stephanie because she had grown for nine months inside her
and had come from her and Mulder's body, living and breathing and whole.
She loved her because she was Stephanie's mother.

She did not see the same in Mulder, even though it was his child too.
Never before had Dana felt so bitter over not being able to give him his
first.

It struck her most deeply when, smiling in her hospital bed, she
remarked on something cute their baby girl had done and Mulder replied,
"Yeah, Sarah did that too. They all do."

Mulder thought her tears were hormones and wild mood swings mothers were
sometimes predisposed to.

Instead she was despairing for her firstborn.

What kind of life would it be for Steph if she was constantly going to
be in Sarah's shadow?

She promised her daughter then and there that she would always keep the
two girls separate and equal.

**********

Chapter Two

Stephanie was brought home on a Friday, giving the family a weekend to
adjust to the baby's schedule, and to set up their own. 

At first, everything was too hectic for Scully to remember her promise.
In the morning, she'd wake at six-thirty with Mulder, who had taken
paternity leave, claiming he wasn't going to miss a day of his little
girl's development.

She would breastfeed Stephanie while Mulder watched, humming a lullabye
to soothe the baby. Then they would go get Sarah up and ready for
school. Mulder and Dana switched who got to take her to school every
other week, so that they both got to spend time with her.

But then, the rest of the day was a blur of feeding, playing, napping
and diaper changing. Just when she thought they were done, it would
start all over again. Mulder was a great help, but by the time it was
three o'clock, he was ready to pick up Sarah.

They would have a little father-daughter time after school, either doing
homework or playing.

That left Scully with the baby for an indefinite period of time.
Often they lost track of time and Scully would end up making dinner,
which was supposed to be their job.

After dinner, she would be exhausted and fall asleep on the couch.
Mulder would pick her up and tuck her into bed, kissing her forehead and
pulling the sheets up around her weary body.

Then he fed Steph from a bottle of breastmilk, changed her, gave her
another bath, and played with her while Sarah took a shower and got
ready for bed.

Then he would put his baby to bed, and watch television with Sarah until
her bedtime.

As he crawled into bed, kissing her nose, she'd wake and snuggle into
his arms, warming him until he fell asleep, finally exhausted himself.
She would stay awake until Stephanie's next feeding.

Afterwards, she would fall into bed and sleep until six-thirty the next
day.

Because Mulder's irregular sleep patterns fit nicely with Steph's
feeding early in the morning, Scully would wake every so often to see
him cradling her, his face washed out in the setting moon, or predawn
sun.

It alwasy gave her peace, renewed energy even.

Then the day would start all over again.

Mulder went back to work after six weeks and she felt alienated from
him.

He couldn't help as much as he wanted, and with her not actually working
anymore, she felt like she had to do more to make up for it.

He would come home weary after working the whole day to cover for having
half his partnership out of commission. Scully would get Sarah from
school on the days he didn't make it home before four.

She found out very quickly that Stephanie abhored car rides.

So no one drove with the baby.

Which meant that someone was always left behind.

And more often than not, it was Dana.

She would use every second of her spare time, trying to make up for
missing out on Sarah's days, or getting a few moments alone with Mulder.

Scully came home after taking Sarah to a friend's house to spend the
night, and found Mulder asleep on the green leather couch, Steph curled
up on his chest.

She sighed in fatigue and wished she could fall asleep like that.

She didn't know if she could do it anymore.

Dana fell to her knees on the carpet and shook with the thoughts coming
at her in the easy breath of time.

The silence was a welcome blanket that she wanted to wrap herself in
forever.

Something Sarah had said while driving her over to the slumber party
came to her just then.

"Mommy, I miss you."

It reminded her with a jolt of her failure to keep everything running
and still have enough time with her kids.

She had to be a full time mom with the experience of a part time mother.

She had to be a pro at this baby thing while it was just her first time
. . . but her second child.

And she didn't know if she could do it anymore.

Not only was she stretched too thin, but she wasn't being the mother to
Sarah that she should.

And she loved Sarah, wanted to be with Sarah.

She missed Sarah too.

But she missed herself more at the moment, selfish as it seemed.

Dan crept past the living room and into the kitchen looking for paper
and pen. She grabbed a post-it note and pencil and jotted down a quick
note telling Mulder she was at her mother's and that she loved him.
She had to get out of there.

She affixed the note to the TV where he would be sure to see it and then
tiptoed over to him.

His beautiful brown eyes were hidden from her, but she could imagine the
concern in then when he read that she was at her mother's. Being the
obstinate man he was, he'd probably wonder what had happened to her mom.

Sometimes he just didn't see.

Sometimes he thought things were going great, wehn they were obviously
not.

His forehead wrinkled in his dreams and she leaned over and kissed it
softly, hoping that whatever happened, she would come back and find him
like this, patiently, happily waiting for her.

She loved him, she really did.

She touched her lips to his mouth and saw that Stephanie had his mouth.

She slid a hand down her baby girl's back and bit her lip. Looking
peaceful, Steph stirred and yawned, causing pangs to run through her.

How could she want to escape this, if only for a little while?

Her bright blue eyes opened and looked at her, blinking with sleep at
her mother. 

Dana stroked her back and murmured a song to make her fall back to
sleep. Her baby's eyes close and soon she was breathing deeply again,
right along with Mulder.

Then Dana walked out of the house, feeling like a thief, coming to steal
something precious.

But she also had a sense of complete freedom that she hadn't felt in a
very long time.

She knew she'd never take advantage of it again.

**********

Chapter Three

Dana stood outside her mother's door, feeling eternities slip by as she
debated the choice.

Should she walk in, pour out her heart, when she wasn't even sure this
kind of thing was normal?

How normal was a woman wanting a bit of time away from her new baby?

And even as she thought about it, she missed Stephanie more.

How could she think of leaving her so early, when she was only a few
months old?

Scully swallowed hard past the lump and turned to leave...

....just as the door opened.

"Dana? What are you doing out here, child? Come in." 

Her mother's voice made her tears rise to the surface once more, and she
turned to face Margaret Scully.

"Oh, baby, what's wrong?" Mrs. Scully said, holding out her arms to her
daughter immediately.

Dana's shaking frame fell into her grasp and she felt ashamed for her
thoughts, stupid for her failures.

Her mom had done it all alone . . . why couldn't she?

Mrs. Scully pulled her inside and pushed the door shut, then helped her
to the kitchen. Her forehead crinkled and she patted her daughter's hand
softly as she poured tea into a cup for her.

"What's happened, Dana? Did you and Fox get in an argument?"

Rather than reminding her mother that it was 'Mulder,'  Dana wordlessly
shook her head, but her face remained stonelike.

She sighed. "No. No, nothing like that. Mulder's a great father. . . "

They sat in the old, well worn chairs placed around the kitchen table
and Mrs. Scully took her cheek in one hand.

"Then why do you look so sad?"

She shook her head and a tear slipped free of the tight control she had.

"Oh, Mom!" she half sobbed.

"Dana!" Her mother exclaimed, not used to such emotional outbursts from
her youngest girl.

"I - I can't do this anymore, Mom. I feel so tired all the time, so . . .
not me. Mulder and I never get to talk like we did before. I miss my
job, and I feel awful for missing it when I have this beautiful little
baby, but I do. I miss the time I had with Sarah and she does too. I
can't keep this up-"

"Woah! Baby, slow down." Her mother interrupted and paused to let her
take a breath. "Now, think about all those things and tell me what you
are hurting so much about. It's not the job, I know that. It's something
more and you're using that to cover for it. Now, tell me what's really
wrong."

Dana shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Me, Mulder, Stephanie, Sarah,
God maybe, Dad especially, Sarah too."

Mrs. Scully's shocked expression made her wince.

"I'm not doing all I should be. Mulder has to get up half the time to
feed Steph from a bottle because I'm so tired all the time. I'm supposed
to be doing that, but I don't. I'm not even really spending quality time
with them either. It's just time and I rush through it as fast as I can.
I'm not cut out to be a mother-"

"Oh, Dana! That's not true!"

"But I'm screwing it all up, Mom . . . I can't even spend the day with
my baby without feeling trapped. That's not supposed to happen. I feel
so trapped."

Her words came out anguished, turmoiled. She hated that it was the
truth, but it was. 

Mrs. Scully frowned. "Dana, how much are you letting Fox do?"

Dana ducked her head and looked to the floor.

"I suppose he could do more. I kind of push him away sometimes. I guess
I feel like I have to do everything, just as you did for us. I want to
show someone that I . . . I can do that too . . . "

She didn't say that she was afraid that Mulder wouldn't love Stephanie.

She didn't say that she thought that if she didn't do everything, then
Mulder might not do it as well because he didn't care as much.

They were spiteful, horrible thoughts, and she couldn't utter them.

"It's just . . ."

Dana stopped, her emotions closer to the surface than what she was
comfortable with.

"It's just that . . . Mulder doesn't seem to . . . want that . . . he
doesn't seem to love her like he does Sarah . . . "

She whispered the final words, needing to have someone tell her that her
fears were unfounded. Needing someone to tell her that it was just post
pregnancy blues.

Mrs. Scully hugged her tightly, wrapping her arms around her daughter
completely. "Oh, Dana, that's not true. I was there when he held his
little girl. To see that look of pure delight, pure joy on his face is
to see how much he loves that baby. I saw that light in his eyes."

"But it's different . . . "

Why couldn't she let go of it?

"Dana!" Mrs. Scully was a little angry at her stubborness, born of false
illusions. She protected Mulder like her own. "You know it's not true.
There is nothing exceptional about your situation. So, it's his second
child, so what? He missed all Sarah's early years, let him be a part of
Stephanie's. You'll see how much he wants to be in her life."

The doubt was evident on her face and her mother sighed.

"Dana," she said softly. "Do you know that I felt the same about you?
With your father? I suppose that's why you were his favorite. Because he
knew I was afraid he wouldn't care that much. I mean, there were already
two other children in the family, already another little girl."

Her mother's words hit her hard and her head rose sharply.

"He came home to see you for the first time and I thought he wouldn't
care. You were just another kid. But you were his. His and mine. Don't
you see? You were special to him because I had borne you, because you
came from him. I had expected all the newness to wear off. But it
didn't, Dana. It grew. He treated you all as individuals, with separate
personalities. You weren't a miniature Melissa or Bill. And for Fox,
it's the same. It's his first child with you, and that's special for
him. He wants to be a part of the things he missed with Sarah. So let
him. You won't be so tired, and you'll get to spend more time with
Sarah, or just be alone."

Dana sat at her mother's kitchen table for a long time, thinking about
her father and everything he had missed in their lives. She wanted
Mulder to experience every aspect of fatherhood, not just from age seven
and up.

She gave her mother a watery smile and shook her head. "Thanks, Mom. I
needed to hear that."

Her mother hugged her and she began to stand to go.

"I should get back, Mom. I left Mulder alone with Stephanie-"

"Dana Katherine! Listen to what I'm saying child! Leave them alone. I'm
sure Fox can handle it.  You need some time for yourself, to establish
your priorities, rearrange your thinking, get things straight before you
go back. Remember, this is your first child, it's all right to get
frustrated, to screw up now and then. Just don't try to do it all
yourself when there are others to help you."

Dana bit her lip and looked hesitantly at the door, but sat down again. 
When she thought about what her mom had said, and let go of the pent up
feelings, she found herself already more relaxed. 

"I'll call Mulder and tell him he has to fend for himself." she said
with an approaching smile. 

"Good girl," Maggie Scully said, patting her daughter's arm. "After you
call, you can set the table." she ordered, just as she had done when
Dana was twelve and doing household chores for her allowance money.

Dana smiled and rose to call Mulder, feeling better already.

**********

Chapter Four

"Scully?" came his sleepy voice.

"Hey you. I'm at my mom's. I left you a note, but I'm assuming you
haven't been awake to read it, huh?"

She could almost see his sheepish smile. "Uh, yeah. Steph is still
asleep."

"Oh, Mulder. Don't let her sleep too long. I want her to be able to
sleep later on tonight." she said, sighing.

"Don't worry. I'll wake her in a few to feed her. So, is your mom all
right?"

"Oh! Yeah, she's fine. I'm going to stay here tonight, though . . . if
you don't mind."

She almost wanted him to say no, come home to me, but she needed the
silence, she needed to relax. 

"Okay, Steph and I will have fun here at home. She'll miss you . . ."

Scully's eyebrows rose. "She will, huh?"

Mulder sighed. "I'll miss you . . . "

Dana's face softened and she could imagine him sprawled on the couch,
absently rubbing Stephanie's back and having that wistful longing in his
eyes.

"Yeah." she said. "I'll miss both of you . . . "

Suddenly it didn't seem like too good of an idea, staying with her
mother.

"Mulder..."

"No Scully. Stay there. Have fun. Okay? We'll see you in the morning."

Dana sighed, because when it came down to it, he really did know her.
That eased her soul considerably.

"All right, Mulder. Good-night."

"Good-night, Scully. Love ya."

"I love you too," she said softly, and then hung up.

Her place was at home, with her husband and child, not here, her home of
long ago.

Margaret Scully saw her face and shook her head. "No, Dana. You need
this. Fox needs this. Stay here."

Dana smiled oddly, and sat back at the kitchen table, melancholy in her
features.

Her mother smiled. "Now this is how a mother feels." she said.

"What?"

"Well, what kind of mother would want to be away from her child, her
newborn baby, for very long?"

Dana smiled slightly. "So, in other words, if I don't feel miserable,
you'd be worried?"

"Exactly. Now come help me make dinner. Here's the lettuce for the
salad. It's Romaine, much better than iceberg in my opinion . . ."

As her mother prattled on, Dana began to relax into the easiness of
being a child, a dependent again.

And soon she was finding comfort in her mother's words, the soft and
moderate tone that could always soothe her as a child. The warmth of the
kitchen and the memories of other kitchens that had all been different
in design, but essentially the same because her mother was there.

Comfort.

Peace.

They all settled upon her like a benidiction from the angels, a blamket
of security that nothing could dispel when she was there.

She could make it work.

She could be a mother.

She could achieve that same peace for her children, no matter how much
she worked at a job, how many games or school plays she missed, how many
dinners she burned. It wasn't what she couldn't do that made her a
motehr, but what she could give.

And all she could give was love.

And she loved Sarah and little Steph will all her heart.

~~*~~*~~*~~

Mulder was waving Steph's little hand at her as she pulled into the
driveway, and it hit her with a pang.

She had missed them.

She parked the car and ran inside, an unaccustomed smile on her face
spreading as she saw them come to her.

She took Steph from his arms and hugged her tightly, then gave Mulder a
long heat-filled kiss that made him cock his head at her and give her a
look.

"Mmm." she murmured, pressing her cheek to Stephanie's. "I missed you
guys."

Mulder's smile was wide and he wrapped his arms around her waist, as if
clinging for dear life.  

"We missed you too." he said, his lips brushing across her throat.

Dana pressed Steph closer to her, reveling in the deliciously warm
feeling spreading through her.

HIs lips grazed her neck, then her cheek, traveling up her body as he
showed her how much he missed her.

She turned in his arms, Stephanie lodged between them, and felt his kiss
find her lips.

Then she broke off and put her forehead into his collarbone, breathing
in the scent of him.

He sighed. "Are you all right, Scully? Did you find what you needed?"

He seemed to be resigned, sorrowful, as if he thought he couldn't give
her what she needed, emotionally, to sustain her.

The idea tore at him.

"Mulder . . . it's not you . . ." she whispered. " I was . . . I should
have come to you, talked about it, but I didn't feel like I could."

"You can, Dana. You know that right?"

He touched her cheek with a finger, as if memorizing her features just
in case.

"I know."

"Tell me now, then."

She gave him an abstract smile and sat on the couch, Steph on her knees.
He frowned and sat beside her, loving the way her fingers slid across
the baby's back, soothing her unconsciously. A Madonna image of her and
his little girl. She was even more beautiful as a mother.

"I just got overwhelmed. I didn't think I was a good enough mother. And
I didn't know how to change that. I thought I had to do everything, be a
Supermom I guess. I mean, my mother did it all herself. I thought I had
to be better, or at least as good. I thought that was the only way to do
it."

Mulder frowned and touched her cheek. "Oh, no, babe. You're a good
mother. A great mother. Definitely better than most."

She tilted her head. He'd never called her babe before.

She smiled.

"Well, in doing that, I've realized that I wasn't allowing you to be a
daddy."

He shifted his gaze, his eyes dulling.

She knew then, that he had felt the same. That he wasn't able to be the
father he wanted to be to Steph, because of her.

And hadn't she sworn that day in the hospital that she would keep that
from happening?

She felt her throat grow tight.

"I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you from her. To .
. . to monopolize her. I . . . I, oh Mulder, I thought you wouldn't want
to be a father to her. I thought that since you had Sarah, you wouldn't
need another little girl."

Her hands played anxiously with Steph's socked feet.

The tears simmering in her eyes did not ease the pain she pronounced on
him.

That she thought he would do that . . . that she could believe he
wouldn't love Steph because of Sarah . . .

Her tears slipped down her cheeks as he sat stone-faced in front of her.

"Mulder . . . I'm sorry. I'm so sorry . . . please, look at me."

He didn't move and she felt her chest contract, her heart flip. She
moved Steph to his lap so that he had to hold her so she wouldn't fall,
and then put her arms around him, clutching his resolute frame.

"Mulder please."

He slowly moved, putting his arms around her, holding her, the baby
balanced in his lap.

He found his voice in the pain he saw in her eyes.

"It's okay Scully. It's okay. That's over now. You know that I love her,
just as much as Sarah. She's my child, she's yours . . . that's why I
love her."

Scully bit her lip and shuddered the last of her sobs away.

"I love you Scully," he said, because she sounded like she needed to
hear it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's all right, babe. It's all right."

Mulder had thought, going into the relationship, that he'd be the one
with the problems, with all the ill concieved notions that always proved
false.

He was, but so was she.

She smiled at the 'babe' again, and rubbed her fingers over Stephanie's
stomach.

"Scully, come to me next time? For anything . . . we're a family."

She nodded and he pulled her back into him.

The warmth of his child and wife comforted him, and he closed his eyes.

"What we have is good Scully. It works."

She smiled and rested her hand on his leg.

"It works," she whispered.

She could do it.

His chin came to rest on the top of her head and peace settled around
them once again.

*They* could do it

As a family.

end of story
adios
RocketMan