Sarah Companion: Family II By RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com< Disclaimer: M and S belong to CC. Sarah belongs to Carol Gritton, whom I thank profusely for allowing me to create part of the events in her life. And for putting up with my horrible typing. TimeLine: Directly after Mulder and Scully's marriage, I am not sure how old Sarah is, though I am guessing nine. MSR Family II "Were you good for Grannie Margaret?" Fox Mulder asked his daughter, Sarah, upon arriving. She gave him a look. "Of course." Sarah's voice held indignation, that he could even think she might *not* be good. "Did you have fun?" Dana asked her. Sarah looked at her father's new wife and nodded, still a little angry over being ditched. She thought that a honeymoon was a vacation for everyone, not a vacation *from* everyone. She also had a secret nagging feeling that her daddy would ditch her more often, in favor of Dana. That night, after she had brushed her teeth, he did ditch her. Instead of allowing her to fall asleep on the couch with him, as he usually did after a long trip away, her sent her right to bed, saying they had to get up early and pack up the few things that reamined to move in with Dana. He and Dana slept in the study, crammed on a pallet between dusty boxes and old files he wasn't supposed to have. "Mulder," Scully said, lying next to him. "I'm glad you agreed to stay in my apartment until we can find something for all of us." She stroked the tense muscle of his shoulder to make him relax. "Hmm, yeah, this study is pretty close. Of course we could always try the couch," he said, giving her a wicked grin. "I'd fall off!" "Not if I held on real tight," he said, eyes mischeviously dark and expressive. She shook her head and rolled a bit closer to him, her mind having lost interest in his words. "Is Sarah okay with all of this?" "Of course!" he said, a bit surprised at her question. "Why? Don't you think so?" "I don't know, just a feeling......" "Agent Scully! Having preminotions?" he teased. She frowned. "No, just a bad feeling she resents me now." "Scully!" "Sorry. I mean, she doesn't me taking her place in your life, or the place of her mother....I completely understand why....." "You understand?" "That she feels resentful..." "Why do you understand?" But Scully didn't say all she thought. "Because....because when you first brought her to me, I hated that she was yours." she said simply, not wanting to gloss over any of the cold hard facts. "You did . . . " It was a tight whisper. "Oh, I don't anymore, Mulder. But if she resents that I'm with you, and misses her mother, which I am sure she does, then she won't like it that I've seemingly stepped into that role - officially now." "But it's the same as before." he protested, not wanting to hear any of the feelings she'd had about Sarah before. "No, it's not. I'll be here all the time. I'll have the right to her as a mother does, as her mother did. Before, I never disciplined her, or dealt with her problems, or bought all of her clothes......all the things a mother does. I've been her friend, and now I have to be her mother." Scully took in a shaky breath. "But I can never be her mommy." Dana felt the tears in her eyes at this confession, at the pain she knew it would bring later on. She could just imagine the nights where Sarah would be angry at some decision and decide to throw it back in her face. "You're not my mother...." Scully jerked as Mulder verballized exactly what she had been thinking. She felt somewhat relieved that he understood though. "Yes, that's it. Anad when you back me up, she'll think you've abandoned her." Mulder winced. Those words cut deep, too deep. The one thing he tried so hard to impress upon Sarah was that she was not all alone, that she would never be abandoned, that he would always be there. "Mulder? I didn't mean to-" "I know, I know. But you're right. She may take this great, or completely the wrong way. She's got a mind of her own and there is no in between with her. I'm glad you reminded me that this is not a fairy tale." She needed to take his mind off it. It was enough to know, too much to dwell on the unstoppable. "Mmm," she murmured, her mind finally coming back to the senses he was producing with his stroking. "But it feels like a fairy tale." "And I'm Prince Charming?" he said, grateful for the change of topic. She smiled. "No, the toad, but don't worry, I can break the spell." His eyebrow curved and he looked at her. "Since when did you become a princess?" She laughed and touched his cheek. "Since you started treating me like one." He groaned. "That's where I went wrong." He grunted as a pillow smacked his arm, then he grabbed her arm and, keeping further pillow attacks at bay, he pressed his lips to hers. She subbmitted willingly to his embrace. ********** On the other side of the study door, stood Sarah, her face still sleepy looking and tears drying on her cheeks. They were in there having fun without her and leaving her to her own nightmares. She could see phantoms along the walls and monsters in the furniture, all laughing and growling at her. She wanted her daddy to make them go away, but he was in the study with Dana, talking and laughing. Were they laughing at her fear? "Daddy?" she said her voice quivering. She heard a bried moment of silence then spoken whispers. "Come on in sweetie." came Dana's voice. Her mother had always called her sweetie. She didn't like Dana saying it. She twisted the knob and, for a second, couldn't get it open, but then she tumbled inside, tears once again streaming down her face. "Oh baby what's the matter?" Dana said. Mommy hadn't called her a baby, Mommy had said she was her big girl. She sniffled. "I had a very bad dream." Mulder held out his arms to her and she ran to them, stumbling over the covers that had been hastily thrown to the side. She felt his arms clench around her and his fingers thread through her hair. The nightmare had already started to fade; she didn't cry anymore. Scully's arms went around them both and Sarah felt odd for some reason; it was not as comforting as before. Sarah turned in her father's arms and snuggled down, ready to go back to sleep, but only with him. Sarah moved so that she was as far from Scully as possible. "I'm sorry Daddy," she said. "It's all right baby. I'm just sorry you had a bad dream." "It was a very bad dream," she corrected, frowning. "Very." Now her daddy was calling her a baby too. "Oh," Dana said, nodding. "Very bad." Sarah nodded silently and then peered up at her father, who had been watching the interplay with curious eyes, trying to see the resent in her that Scully had. "Daddy, can I sleep with you?" she asked. Mulder looked to Scully. Normally, he would have said yes immediately, but with her he just didn't know if she wanted that. Scully tried to convey her misgivings, but Mulder wasn't reading her too well. "Sure sweetie." Scully groaned inwardly. Not because Sarah would be sleeping with them, but because Sarah had just been told effectively that she could always have her way. Maybe it wouldn't last. It wasn't lost on Sarah that her Daddy had hesitated. ****** Sarah missed her room. The one that her Daddy had sacrificed for her, making him sleep on the couch - not that he didn't already. But now he was with Dana in her bedroom after moving in to her apartment. Sarah knew they'd be moving in to a house eventually, but she missed the comfort her old room gave her. No growth marks on the doorjamb here, no dull brown carpet that was perhaps a bit too shaggy. No bed with her faded Minnie Mouse comforter and Buzz Lightyear sheets. She missed running out to the couch to talk with Daddy late at night when she was scared or couldn't sleep. She missed snuggling up with him in the mornings. Sarah wasn't sure where her place was in all the newness. She wanted her mommy. Her real mommy. She wanted to be back home with her blue and pink bedroom and lacy curtains, with Mommy coming in every morning to wake her with orange juice, and the smell of bread in the toaster. Dana didn't wake her in the mornings. Neither did Daddy. She always got up on her own, so that she wouldn't bother them. She didn't know what she could do anymore. Soemtimes Daddy let her fingerpaint in the lving room, but Dana had said no. Sometimes Dana let her brush her teeth in the big sink, but Daddy said she had to be a big girl and use her own. She didn't seem to fit into Daddy's life anymore. Scully understood that Sarah must be feeling a little odd, with herself as a permenant part of their lives, instead of coming and going on weekends and nights. So she gave her room, left her alone, to let her get adjusted. She didn't realize it was making Sarah feel unwanted. So when Sarah asked her to read her a bedtime story, Scully thought that maybe she had found her niche. Scully read from "Where the Wild Things Are," a story Mulder had obviously picked out. Her voice was strong and soothing as she read: "......his mother called him "WILD THING!" and Max said, "I'LL EAT YOU UP!" so he was sent to bed without eating anything......" Dana watched in fascination as her voice combined with the story, lulled Sarah into a sort of dulled stupor, where her head kept falling as if she might finally fall asleep, and then would jerk up to hear the rest. "And Max the king of all the wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best....." She was asleep. Dana was glad, but also felt odd. Sarah usually did things to prolong bedtime, like asking difficult questions or a long story to be read. She also asked Scully for a glass of water every five minutes, and then asked to go to the bathroom. Was it different now that Scully was less the baby-sitter and more the parent? She went in to bed, slipping in with Mulder and touching her cold toes to his legs, making him jerk. She smiled at his forwn and he wrinkled his nose. "Oh, think you're funny, do you?" he said pouncing on her. She tried not to make a sound, for fear of waking Sarah, but his hands were tickling everywhere and she ended up not being able to breathe. She cried mercy, but he kept on till she was panting for breath and laying exhausted on top of the sheets. "Not so funny, huh?" he said, eyeing her. She shook her head, trying to get her breath back. He leaned forward to kiss her and she smiled sweetly. "Jeez Mulder. I'm exhausted now. I think I'll go right to sleep." His look of utter surprise almost made her laugh, but she laid down and rolled to her side. She felt him stare at her for a long time before he huffed and laid back down. They were both still awake, he trying to figure out if she was kidding, and she wondering when he would just go ahead and do it. when Sarah burst in to their room. Scully groaned. She had thought the sleeping thing solved. Mulder held out his arms and sat up, Scully coming up with him. "What's the matter Sarah?" she asked. "I was a wild thing!" she said. "I dreamed I was a wild thing and sailed forever and ever and landed in a place wher they didn't get dinner and no one loved me best!" Sarah ran into his arms and her picked her up, depositing her between himself and Scully. Sarah moved so that she didn't touch Scully, and clung to her father. Scully noticed it with pain in her heart. "Oh Sarah, I love you best." Mulder said. "More than Dana?" she said, her eyes dark and frightened. He looked to Scully with a frown and saw that she too looked frightened. Of his answer? "No sweetie. I love you the same amounts, but there are different kinds of love." Sarah seemed far from mollified. "Why don't you sleep with us tonight?" Sarah nodded and curled up next to her father, so that Scully couldn't possibily touch him. When she was asleep, Mulder looked at her apologetically. "She feels threatened I guess. I'm trying to stop it, but....." Scully, feeling somewhat alone without his touch, just nodded and gave her patented "I'm fine" look that Mulde had thought he had stopped getting. "I understand." And she rolled over and tried to sleep. Mulder sighed and nestled his head on top of Sarah's. Scully might understand, but she sure didn't like it. ****** Three weeks later Scully couldn't stand it naymore. It had to be stopped. "Mulder," she said, as soon as Sarah was alseep. He turned to her and knew what was coming. Sarah had been sleeping with them for the past two weeks, ever since waking from the dream in which she was a wild thing. "Scully..." "Mulder, no. She's going back to her own bed. We can't keep doing this..... Mulder she's going to be very hurt the longer you prolong it." He sighed. "I just don't want her to feel-" "Mulder. She knows that we love her. And if she doesn't, it's time she learn." He nodded and carefully wrapped his arms around Sarah, lifting her effortlessly off the bed. She stirred but did not wake and he carried her to the guest bedroom, her temporary room at Scully's. When he came back, he immediately went to Scully's side, pushing himself up close to her. "I'm sorry, Scully. I know you don't want this-" "Mulder!" she said sharply. "That is not it at all! How could you think that?" She rose up in bed, her eyes afraid. How could someone who supposedly knew her inside and out even think that of her? "Scully, all I meant was I know she's not easy to manage sometimes, and that she gives you a hard time. You don't deserve that." He looked at her and pulled her down to his chest. "That's all." She sighed. "Mulder, I don't mean to step all over your toes in this, but Sarah is a big girl and needs to sleep in her own bed. She should know that just because we're married doesn't mean we don't need or want her. I think she does know, really, but wants to find where she fits in it all. Wants to make sure that she *does* fit in it all." Mulder sighed and hugged her tighter. "It feels good to hold you again. I missed it," he said softly. He was changing the subject. "It feels good to be held," she murmured. ****** Sarah never brought up sleeping with them again, and Scully made an effort to make her feel included in everything. Sarah learned where she fit in, where her place was and she seemed to grow accustomed to it. They went back to renting two videos on friday nights, one for all of them, and one for when Sarah went to bed. Mulder and Scully took turns driving her to school, and every afternoon, Dana picked her up. During the five minute drive back home, Sarah and Dana talked about everything, from that school day, to the tough questions about life that Sarah liked to throw at them. They went on long walks after dinner and searched for a house together, hoping Sarah would get into the moving idea better. Sarah even agreed with Dana on what kind of house to get - a big, two story, for the future. One day, Scully told her to clean her room before dinner, indicating the mess left over from the afternoon. Sarah glanced to the room and the toys scattered about and shook her head. "No, I want to eat first," she said. Scully shook her head. "No, Sarah. Clean your room. That way you have more time before bed." "No!" she said and tried to shove past Dana and into the kitchen. Mulder came out at her yell, a frown on his face. "Sarah...." Scully warned, her voice low. "You're not my mother!" she screamed, shoving herself away. "You can't tell me what to do!" Mulder's face turned deathly white, a sign of his rage and he took a firm grip on her arm. Scully, beside him now, was stunned and shaking. Tears formed in Dana's eyes even as she fought to keep them under control. She knew it had been coming, but it still hurt. A lot. Mulder, his voice like the rumbling thunder that threatens bad storms, shouted at her. "Sarah Elizabeth Mulder! Apologize this instant!" But Sarah was a Mulder and when her temper was loose, and she knew she was in trouble, she was stubborn to the point of stupidity. "No! She isn't my mother, and I don't want her to be!" Dana's breath caught like jagged glass, her eyes stinging as if she had been slapped. She felt her legs tremble and mentally berated herslef for letting something said in the heat of the moment disturb her. But she wanted to throw up. Sarah had just ripped put her heart and dug her heels in it. She couldn't even breathe without wincing. Mulder was ready to spank her. And he didn't even believe in spanking. "Sarah, you are grounded for a month. Go to your room and clean it, just as Dana said, and don't even think about coming out tonight. I'll bring you dinner." Mulder felt trampled on, that his daughter could hurt someone he loved so badly. Sarah escaped to her room with her own tears. Scully sat down on the couch, slowly. Mulder went to her and saw her protective walls slam into place. He couldn't bear the hurt in her. "Dana....." She shook her head. "Mulder I - I have to get out of here for awhile. Take a walk or something." she said, her voice cracking and lips trembling. Mulder tried to stop her, to get her to talk to him, but she stood and escaped out the door. She didn't even take a jacket. She left as if fleeing for her life. Mulder sank to the floor and tried not to weep. Nothing could comfort either of them. He didn't know who he was most angry at. Sarah for her outburst, Scully for leaving, or himself for not stopping it. ****** "Daddy, where did Dana go?" Sarah's small voice asked as he brought her dinner in. She was curled up on her bed, her floor picked up and her toys in their correct positions. "I don't know Sarah. She was hurt a lot." he said honestly. Sarah frowned and he saw tears in her eyes. "Daddy?" Mulder sat on the bed and leaned down close to her, surprised that he could fear so much for Sarah, love her so much, even as Scully was out there, hurt and alone. Bleeding inside because of Sarah. "Daddy, is Dana coming back?" He hoped so, with all his heart. "Yes, she'll come back. She just needs to get some air, walk around a bit. It helps her work through her hurt." Sarah's face crumpled, just as it had when she was much younger. "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry. I want Dana to come back, I do. I'm sorry." "It's going to be all right, sweetie. Dana knows you didn't mean it. She knows you love her." He pulled her in his arms and rocked her, wishing he could do the same for Scully. "I'm sorry." she sobbed. "Oh baby, she knows." Sarah cried in his arms and he wished Scully could see how much it hurt Sarah too. ****** Dana Scully took in a deep cleansing breath as she left the apartment, the tears and pain blinding her. She stumbled from the sidewalk and into the rain - why was it that it always rained when something bad happened? And it wasn't even the kind of rain she liked, only a steady annoying drizzle. Her feet pushed forward while her mind remained behind, stuck forever on the look of pure hatred that had flashed across Sarah's face. She couldn't think of anything else, despite the chill of the evening. After walking for an hour and a half, Scully realized that she was getting nowhere, and that Mulder would be worried. She began to head back, each step becoming harder and harder to take. When her, or rather their, apartment came into view, she took another shaky deep breath and tried to forget. Her escape had been much needed and she was ashamed of that, yet also aware of it. Dana realized that although she loved Sarah and Mulder with all her heart, she was just too used to being alone, not always being vulnerable to hurt. She needed time to bring back the pieces of herself, to heal the wounds that words had made that night. And escaping was the only way she knew how. She walked quietly up the steps, wondering if Mulder had gone to bed and half wishing he had. She wanted her alone time just a little while longer, so that she wouldn't be weary in the morning. She hoped she hadn't hurt him by running off. When she had unlocked the door and walked quickly inside, she was him sitting on the couch, waiting for her. She should have known; Mulder was an insomniac. He watched her pull off her shoes and sit next to him, tucking one leg under her body, the classic defense posture for women who are uncomfortale. He held his own face in a mask, not allowing her any hint as to what emotions lay buried inside him. She stayed absolutely still, knowing that she probably deserved getting chewed out, especially after their promise to not hide things from each other. He spoke first. "I'm sorry it got that bad, Scully. I'm sorry you felt like you had to get away." he whispered. His words, his face, his emotion broke her heart and she couldn't look him in the eyes as she said what she had been thinking about on her walk. "Mulder, it got that bad because I let it, you let it, Sarah let it. But it's not about you, or Sarah or love really, but me. I - I didn't know what this meant, what having a family was, and I guess I was more in love with the idea than anything else." His face was pasty and she finally looked into his deep brown eyes. The corners of his mouth were twisted into a sorrowful grimace, and he looked to almost be laughing or crying, like it could go either way. "Scully?" "Mulder, I'm not.......not leaving." She watched his face twitch and his body relax; it was what he had been fearing. "I'm just going about this the wrong way. With Sarah I mean. I'm just going to stop pushing so hard, trying so hard. She'll come to me when she's ready for...... for whatever I can give her. I need to stop trying to fill Annie's shoes....." Mulder hesitated, his face freezing into a mask of surprise. He hadn't realized this was the problem; he hadn't even realized she was doing that. "I'm sorry Mulder, for running off like that. I-" "No, no it's okay. I understand." he said and finally touched her. It was a welcome strength to feel his hand in hers, his fingers rubbing her skin. "I know that we really didn't talk about things very well." he said, thinking aloud, concentrating on her hand. "Yes, I was deluding myself thinking I could be her mother." Mulder looked up and shook his head. "Oh I don't think that's it at all, Scully. I think she wants a mother, would like you to be her mother. But I think she knew that you were trying to be Annie. And she didn't want that." His statement struck her again. Hadn't she just came to that conclusion a few minutes before? That she needed to stop trying to be Annie? She just had to mother Sarah the way she would mother her own children. "Mulder.......thanks." she whispered and moved into his arms for a hug. He embraced her, fueling his need even more, his need to know she was all right, to feel her near him, to touch her. "Let's go to bed, Mulder. In the morning we can dig this up again. I'm too tired to think straight." He smiled and led her to their bedroom. ****** The next night, after some tense moments with Sarah all day, she asked Scully to read her a bedtime story. Scully looked first to Mulder but he gave no indication and she realized with a smile that now, she was the parent too. So she followed the girl to her bedroom and helped her into the pajamas they had recently bought at Target. Grey soft flannel shorts with a matching grey top. Sarah was growing out of the Disney merchandise. Sarah pointed out the book she wanted read to her and climbed into bed. Scully pulled it off the shelf adn read the title. "Only One Woof," by James Herriot; it seemed a little young for Sarah. The story told of a pair of puppies that lived on a farm and were best friends. One day one of the puppies was sold to another man and left the other one all alone. The remaining dog never barked as he grew up until one day he saw his friend from when he was a puppy. Then he let out one short 'woof' and ran to him. It was a sad story that Sarah had chosen and she didn't like reading it very much. Afterwards Sarah spoke up tinidly, the first time that day she had talked to Scully alone. "Dana, you won't leave again will you?" she said. Scully sighed. "I can't promise that Sarah. Sometimes I'll need to leave, to be by myself for awhile, or to go somewhere. But I can promise that I'll always come back. I'll always come back, Sarah." Sarah picked at the light blue comforter, pulling thread from one of the white clouds printed on it. "That dog, in the story, he got so sad that he never spoke and never had any fun. And all because his friend went away. I don't want you to go away Dana." Scully understood now. Sarah had chosen a book that related to her and now she was trying to explain it. Scully felt touched. "Were you very sad when your mommy went away?" Scully asked. "Yes. Like the dog." "You didn't speak?" "Not much. I was sad and it didn't seem to be worth it. Who would listen and care? But Daddy.......that was like when the dog saw his friend again.....when Daddy got me. Daddy cared........but Dana with you I - I......." Sarah stopped. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. "I think I understand Sarah. Daddy cares for you and you were worried that with me, he wouldn't anymore?" Sarah's face showed relief, mixed with apprehension. "Yeah that's right. Like in that story, the dog only barked one time and when his friend had to go away again he never did afterwards. I don't want Daddy to go away, to stop.....stop...." "He won't Sarah. And neither will I. It's okay to feel like that, but we love you. Do you understand?" Sarah nodded. "Good. I'm not trying to make your Daddy not care about you. No one could do that no matter how hard they tried. I want to care for you too, is that okay?" Sarah nodded again adn lapsed into silence. Just when Scully had thought she had fallen asleep and was about to tiptoe out, she heard a tiny voice say her name. "Dana? 'Member that time when I was having the bad dream and Daddy was gone and I called you Mommy?" Scully's eyes were wet; she remembered all right. It had been so long ago, she hadn't thought Sarah had remembered. "Umm-hmm." "Is it okay still?" Scully took her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "Of course, sweetheart." "Okay......I love you." she said. "I love you too baby." It didn't sound so bad to be called baby now. With Scully still looking down at her, she fell asleep. end of story adios RocketMan