Title: Retreat 
Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me. They are the property
of CC, 1013, and Fox, all of whom I'm loving at the moment after Redux II.
SPOILER REDUX II!!!!!


Retreat 

I breathe in quickly, enjoying the sear of frozen air into my weak
lungs. This living.....I like it. I can do this again.

The leaves are the dead colors of approaching winter, but a few bright
golds and startling reds remain as testaments to my life. The cabin is
warm inside and I know I should be in it, letting myself heal
completely, but I can't go in yet.

I didn't think I'd ever see another fall, another winter, another bare
tree on the horizon mocking me for all its naked beauty.

I laugh out loud, thrilled with the freedom of remission, of the
cancer's retreat.

The cars are parked close together, evidence of Mulder's terrible
driving, and already there is frost on the windshield.

My mother's car is parked perfectly, straight and right, like everything
she has ever done in her life. The trees seem to melt into the darkening
sky and the birds are all flying, moving away.

If I hadn't felt so alive, I might feel very dead in this place.

Mom had wanted to take me away for awhile, to make sure I healed and was
all right mentally, spiritually. 

So we took a little weekend retreat, getting out of the city and out of
its problems, and Mulder came along with us.

I made him.

But I could tell he wanted to anyway, he wanted to be with me.

I want to be with him.

After all, I have my life back. And I want to share it with everyone I
meet, everyone I love. I want to give my mother part of it, and my
brother, and Mulder, most of all, Mulder.

He has such honor, to do what he did even when I was telling him to
blame me. And I want to give some of that back to him, I suppose.

All I really know is, I can't rest without knowing he's here, safe and
sound.

I breathe in again and the breath stings my body as it shrills through,
spiking my insides with chill and winter. I see the last of the sunset
and feel even colder without its glancing touch.

But still I don't go back inside.

I want these few moments to soak in nature and this feeling of being
completely alive.

My eyes close.

Darkness and hints of color where the blood vessels are.

Sounds.

Honking geese overhead, rustling leaves that drift to the floor of the
forest.

Sensations.

The cold, numbing my toes, and making me fingers feel heavy. The wind
across my cheeks, biting and pinching to tell me I'm not dreaming.

A sudden warmth.

My eyes open slowly and find Mulder's.

He smiles and kisses my forhead.

"Cold?" he asks, shivering even as he offers me his coat.

"Of course, but no thanks." I respond and let my eyes close again.

He nods and sits down on the steo beside me, rubbing his hands together.

I reach over and stop the noise; it's distracting me from the outside.
He stops but takes my hands and warms them between his own, pressing my
fingers into his jeans.

I feel everything.

I could be the earth, titling, swinging in space faster than a rocket.

I could be the bird, soaring, swooping along the river and over the tops
of trees.

"I feel it too." he says softly.

I look to him, my eyes opening.

"It's life. And I feel like I've gotten mine back too."

My now warm fingers curl around his own.

"Yeah, it's life. And it's the sweetest thing I've ever felt."

He kisses my forehead again and goes inside, leaving me to life.

==========

My mother comes outside and pats my head on the way to her car. She
rummages around in the trunk and brings out treasure - vegetables and a
big cooler. I can imagine the home baked pies and apple sauce contained
in its depths. I'm sure Mulder is loving all the real food.

Mom comes back and as she traverses the steps she smiles at me with the
kind of look that says she can't believe I am still real and with her. I
think she was ready to let me die in that hospital. I had prepared her
for it.

She rubs my hair, tossing it away from my face and smiles.

"Come in soon, hon. It's cold out here." she says.

I nod and resume watching.

The birds are wheeling back and forth in the sky, going from one compass
point to another, as if their chosen leader can't read the innate map it
he contains. 

I laugh at them and their foolishness and realize that to many people,
Mulder and I appear very much like confused birds.

But I don't want to think of Mulder or the things that have happened. 
I want life rushing in my ears and filling my eyes with holiness and
harmony. 

I want to have this weekend all for me.

So why can't I stop thinking about Mulder?

I jump up at the thought and start running out to the bare woods,
fleeing my conscience and escaping my sensible-ness.

I run to the oldest and weariest looking tree in the whole forest.

Of course, I would do that.

But as I look at its weeping branches and hanging limbs, I begin to
admire its endurance and courage. Even in the cold it is providing
refuge.

I feel drained from running and I sink against the tree, letting its
frozen bark snap me back into consciousness and its hard trunk support
my aching body.

When I feel I have sapped enough of the tree's strength into my own
cells, I stand up and start to scale its massive trunk, using lower
limbs for handholds until I'm up far enough to really climb.

My sensibility catches up at this point and I stop about midway up,
realizing the higher limbs won't hold me and that it'd do no good to die
now when I've just beaten death.

I gaze out at the abandoned forest, its loneliness striking me as odd
when I feel so protected and loved, so cared for and warmed.

Warmed. I think I just made that word up. But I do feel warmed. Like
others have lent me all their strength and I am glowing with heat under
their love.

Mulder has given me that. Mom has given me that. Bill has hurt me, and
hurt Mulder, but he too has given me that.

I am warmed.

"Jeez, Scully. Come down. You're making me nervous."

I look down and see Mulder's shivering form and his fearful eyes.

"Why?" I say peering straight into his eyes even though I am so far
away.

"Because it's time for dinner anyway. And you're making me very
anxious." he says, holding his arms up as if I am a little child who 
is jumping to Daddy in the swimming pool.

"All right, Mulder, but you have to come up and get me."

I see his incredible astonishment. This isn't Scully he's seeing, this
is Dana. He never sees that part of me.

"Scullee....." he moans.

"Oh, afraid of heights?" I say in my most teasing voice possible.

"Scullee....that's not fair."

I laugh and watch as he turns away, starts walking back to the cabin.

"Hey where are you going?"

His shoulders shrug and he says something that I can't hear at this
distance.

I wait as he disappears.

And of course, resourceful and intelligent Mulder, comes back with a
ladder.

He leans it against the wide trunk and starts up.

I don't move, only laugh and shake my head at him.

He comes even with me and has a quirky, triumphant look on his face. He
holds out his hand as if ready to escort me to a palace ball and I bow
in the tree, holding on to one limb with my free hand.

"If you will," he says and kisses my hand.

I follow him back down the ladder and jump to the ground.

It smacks up hard into me, harder than I realized it would and my ankle
twists, causing me to stumble into him.

He grabs me, afraid for an instant that I am falling out of the tree.

I see the fear flicker away to be replaced by humor.

"Ah, I see why you were in the tree. It's safer for you up there than
down here, where you're so very clumsy."

I don't give him the satisfaction of a smile but only squeeze his
fingers and stick out my tongue.

He laughs and captures my face with a hand.

"Oh, what was that? Immature...."

I wrinkle my nose and he kisses it lightly.

His kisses are becoming very warm, a welcome addition to life.

Living. 

Mulder is living by kissing me I suppose.

He lets my face go and takes my hand in his.

"Let's go eat," he says and heads back, leaving the ladder beside the
tree.

"Are you afraid of heights?"

He shakes his head. "No, I'm afraid of falling."

I smile and slide up next to him, absorbing his warmth.

"It's cold out here." I say and he squeezes my shoulders.

"No kidding."

I knock him off the path with my hip and stick out my tongue again.
He comes back to me and just as I think he will kiss me again, his body
nudges mine and I am off the path.

I do it back.

We end up shoving and pushing each other the whole way back, laughing
and acting like children.

Mom is waiting for us at the door a small frown on her face until she
sees us. Then she relents somewhat and shoos us inside.

As my mother takes things out of the oven and sets the table, Mulder
leans in close to me and out of the blue, kisses my lips.

I look at him in surprise, my lips burning where he touched them.

"Thanks Scully."

He needs no more words.

We sit at the table and while mom is saying grace, I look at him,
staring intently as if his closed eyes will tell me his secrets.

His eyes pop open and he gives me a smile.

Oh....I can feel it.

I can feel it.

Life.

end 
adios
RM