Title: Momma VII
Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com<
Disclaimer: Mulder Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No infringment is
intended. Julia is mine.

Dedicated to Jules (Julie) who is so great at lifting my spirits.

Momma VII

I watch her pace back and forth, her hands poised as if in prayer and
her eyes looking everywhere but me.

I glance to Dad and he smiles reassuringly. I wonder if things will be
the same again.

Here is my mother.

I thought she was dead. Did Dad know she was still alive?

"Are you going to tell us what happened?" I ask, my eyebrows raising and
my eyes narrowing.

This seems so contrived. A beautiful ending and everything.

"I've told Mulder. I guess you deserve to know. How much do you-"

"I read your journals. I know. I hear things. I know things."

Dad jerked and I saw a strange look on his face.

My mother looks at me and tilts her head. "All of them? Even the one I
gave Charlie?"

I grin and slide a look to my Dad. "I skipped over some parts, let Dad
read them, but yeah. Everything." My throat scratches again and I clear
it, drawing a worried glance from Dad.

"I'm fine," I say before he can say anything.

My mother looks at me and then to Dad. He grins.

Okay, so what's the joke here?

"Well, Julia. You were two years old when I finally knew."

"Knew what?"

"Hush, baby, let your mom finish."

I glare at him and pull my feet under me on the couch of Dad's in his
basement office.

"I knew I would die soon. Very soon. I went to you one night and I
couldn't even reach out to touch you, I was that weak. I knew then. The
next day, while Mulder was taking you to the park, I got a phone call
from a man who had been our enemy for a long time,-"

"The guy that smokes?"

She glances at Dad and then nods.

"Yes. Him. He said he could do me a favor. He said I could ensure your
survival and Mulder's if I did something for him. Well, I hung up on
him. And then . . . " She shuddered. "Then you got this cold and I knew
it had been him, somehow, he was showing me he could easily kill my
family, kill Mulder's family. If he didn't have you when I was gone,
what was there? So, of course, he called back and I agreed. I was going
to die anyway, Julia, I knew it. He said to fake my death; he gave me
these pills that . . .What?"

I shrug. "This sounds a lot like Romeo and Juliet, you know? The whole,
posion, but really a sleeping pill thing..."

She smiles and sits down next to me. "I guess it was. Except I woke up
to see that I had truly died. I should have died. I wanted to, after
that. I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I had to help these
people I hated, I had to help them. I cried. They had cured me of the
cancer and left me whole and healthy and utterly miserable. I hadn't
realized they were planning on healing me, on letting me live. I had
only tried to arrange my certain death so that you two would be
protected. I cried."

I look at her and shake my head. So simple as all that?

"Why did you cry?"

"Oh, Jules, I missed you so much. I missed being able to look at you
whenever I wanted to. I missed seeing Mulder bring you in to me to hold.
I love you, baby, and I was without you. Without your father. I didn't
realize how much of my strength was actually his. I wanted them to kill
me."

Her revelation hits me deep in the stomach, a place where feelings are
stored for other times. I take a deep breath and nod.

"But you're back?" I ask, knowing that I know the answer, but that I
need to hear it from her.

"I'm back. But we'll have to leave, Julia. They're not going to let me
stay on the loose like this."

"We can all go with you, though. Me and Dad can go back there with you,
can't we?"

Dad stiffles a growl and I look at him. "What?"

"You don't know what they've done, Jules. You don't know how cruel they
are."

I shake my head and feel tears spring up. "You think I don't know? I
know. Every time a kid talked about their mother, I felt it. Okay? So
don't talk to me like I don't know how you guys feel. I haven't had a
mother my entire life and now she's here, and I am *not* giving her up."

My mother looks up at me and she shakes her head, then slips her arms
around me and holds tightly, squeezing me as if I could comfort her.

But I can't forgive her.

"Oh, Julia, I'm so sorry."

I can't.

"Where were you in third grade when all the kids made fun of me because
I didn't have a mom to make my lunch? Where were you when Dad had to
explain why boys and girls were different? Where were you when I sat on
my bed and cried because I missed having a mother so much?"

She is sobbing into me, her hands clutched around me, small noises
coming from her. Dad looks at me and shakes his head but I can't help
feeling like this. She is my mother and she was supposed to be one, not
go off thinking she's all noble or something. She's back, isn't she?
She's here, so why couldn't she come before? 

"I'm sorry, Jules. That won't ever make up for what's been done to you,
but can you accept that I really didn't want it to be like this?"

She's still crying, but her tears are under control.

I shake her loose and and nod softly. "I know you feel like you did the
only right thing. I know that. But I'm just a kid who hasn't had her
mother in thirteen years and doesn't know why it had to be like this,
okay?"

I bite my lip and run to my Daddy, feeling his arms go protectively
around me, even if he is angry that I hurt her.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I know I'm hurting you and her."

He nods and pulls me into his lap, even though I'm too old for it.

"It's okay, Jules. I don't understand this either, but I also have had
her before. I had her and now I have her again and I don't care about
all the pain between. I'm too grateful. But you didn't have that. It's
hard, babe. I know."

I nod into him and look back at her.

She's sitting there, staring out the window with a sad face. I wish I
could feel differently about this, but I can't. I'm angry that she
pretended to be dead, that she deprived me of knowing her when she
didn't have to.

Dad's lips tickle my ear.

"Baby, think about this. If she hadn't done it, she would be dead for
certain today. You would not have her at all."

I pause.

I wouldn't have her at all. Here I have her and I am pushing her away.

Hadn't I wanted a mother? Hadn't I wanted her?

I crawl out from my Daddy's arms and creep up to her. She is sitting
very still, watching me now, waiting for another attack.

"I love you, Momma."

I can't say anymore than this. I can't say it's okay, because it isn't.
But I do lover her.

She smiles and her tears are joyful and she pulls me to her and laughs.

"You don't know how much I've wanted to hear that."

I pull back, taking her hand and squeezing it.

"Yes, I do know. I do."
~~~~

end Momma VII
adios
RM