Title: Might Have Been
Author: RocketMan
lebontrager@harding.edu

Disclaimer: This was inspired by Madeleine L'Engle's book, A Swiftly
Tilting Planet. If anyone hasn't read her stuff, the young adult stuff,
go read it. It's great. Oh and you might not understand with great
clarity about some of the stuff but it doesn't detract from the story.
Distribute: Go ahead, make my day.
Rating: PG
Content Warning: refrences to Swiftly Tilting Planet, and Scully cancer
Spoiler: all of season 4 except Geth. "make believe it doesn't matter"
-Thomas Gifford, The First Sacrifice
Classification: V, I think
Summary: Ummm... Scully has to deal with some things, has a dream.

Might Have Been (1/1)

She was at the place again, only this time, she could move and she knew
it was a dream. This time she was the little girl, climbing the rock
with the little boy, not her brothers, and claiming she could do it all
by herself. And the boy let her go up, carefully watching her and made
sure he was ready to catch her if she fell. She was about four, he was
eight, and so much taller than her, like the rock that rose before them
almost. And in her dream she could recognize him as being someone
important, someone who would take care of her, but when she would wake
up it was a blur. She was determined to know who it was this time, and
remember it. 
        The boy climbed up behind her and they stretched out on the flat top of
the starwatching rock, its nickname, and listened to the crickets so far
below. The boy watched the clouds and she watched him, studying every
line of his face so that she would never forget. A plane roared overhead
and the boy frowned, hating the interruption of nature and she smiled
slightly at the way his eyebrows met and his lips seemed to take on a
life of their own. She knew him, knew who he was, even though he had
never been in her childhood, and she didn't even know if she had ever
seen pictures of him as a child to call up this vision. But there they
were, on the starwatching rock, watching things other than what the rock
was named for.
        "Dana?"he asked, turning to face her.
        "Yeah?"
        "I'm glad you're happy. I like this happiness. I never had this
hapiness in my childhood." he sighed, and she caught the brief flicker
of the adult he had grown up to be in him.
        "I know. And I'm glad I could share it with you."
        He nodded and smiled and it was the first genuine smile she had ever
seen on his face, with real emotion behind it. He turned back to see
her, his face away from the clouds and blue brilliance and watched her
for awhile. His body was long and it seemed to her to go forever on,
compared to her small frame at four.  Her hair was bright copper colored
and tousled by the wind and she had impatiently pulled it back in a
clip. His hair was thick and more brown now with the same deep dark eyes
and funny set mouth. His nose was still in the baby stage and so was his
chin, but it was him. And she was glad he was with her. He seemed to be
able to keep away the bad dreams about death and cancer and needles and
men asking if she was alright and being afriad, so terribly afraid......
        Dana woke suddenly from the dream and felt an aching in her heart that
she had to leave the wonderful dream reality her mind had created for
the stark no-more-innocence place she lived in constantly. Every morning
she had to deal with it all over again. She took it slowly,
concentrating on every part of her body, reminding herself that she felt
good, healthy, and that nothing was wrong. <I'm fine.> Then she added,
so far. I'm fine so far. Nothing wrong yet. 
        cancer
The word hit her fast and hard, like a shot to her stomach. Cancer. She
had cancer. It still took her breath from her body when the realization
came thundering in. She had to face it now. Deal with the new day,
though she longed for the carefree wonder of the dream. Her mind
wandered off track, thinking of the familiar boy and just who was he
again?
        cancer
Pounding its way in again and she *had* to deal with it, and she took a
tight breath and admitted it. <I have cancer.> Yes, she had cancer. But
for now, I can still be there for the people that need me. The person
that needs me. <Who was that little boy?>
        cancer . . . cancer . . . cancer
It no longer pounded, but instead, thrummed, a steady beat in the
background, to which her life now arranged its melody, to which Mulder
now arranged his harmony. It was a constant in her life, and although
she needed constants, she didn't need them like this. As it faded back
to elevator music, Scully let out a deep cleansing breath.
        And thought of the boy. Mulder! It was Mulder helping her climb the
rock, telling her he was grateful for being there, looking out for her.
<I'm hardly a four year old, and though Mulder acts like a child, he's
not eight.>
        She wished it represented something. That the rock would be her life,
with Mulder there to make sure she didn't fall, and it flat on the top,
where she could stretch out in the sunshine and sleep for awhile. What
might have been if Mulder had been a childhood playmate, or even her
brother? <Abduction...> What if Mulder had grown up in her family and
not his, with its verbal abuse and pain and guilt? And she had been in
his family? Would she believe? Should she believe?
        cancer
Scully sighed and decided that she had accpeted her situation for the
day, but not that she would die.
        die
Oh no, please, I . . . 
        die
Mulder. Here and alive and a little boy and caring for me and watching
to make sure I don't fall and might have beens everywhere but he can't
stop me from 
        die
no.....I won't. I won't. He needs me to find that starwatching rock and
he needs me to guide him there and make the might have beens disappear
into things that are
        die
NO. I'm fine. <might have been fine>
AM FINE!
        die and the world dies with you, live and you live alone
This has got to be some twisted dream. How did that little saying come
in my head? I'm not dying, I'm not. It's just cancer and Mulder will
save me, he'll find the truth and the truth will save me, save us, and
the Might Have Beens will disappear and Mulder will be watching to make
sure I don't fall on the starwatching rock
        die and Mulder's world dies with you
No, please
        live and you live all alone . . . still, as always, nothing ever
changes, he won't see it and neither will you because the danger will be
past
No more, no more. I'm not letting this be a Might Have Been. I'm not
letting it....

Scully woke with a jerk and realized she had fallen asleep while still
in bed, trying to face her cancer. <I must be more tired than I
thought.> The dream clung to her like a death shroud and she couldn't
shake it off. Tears where in her eyes and on her face and she remembered
it all. 
The phone rang and she jumped and cleared her thraot before answering.
        "Scully, it's me. I just had a weird dream. You were climbing up a
rock, as a child, and I was behind you and watching to make sure you
could do it and you fell." 
        Her breath caught in her throat. <You fell......you fell.>
        No more Might Have Beens.
        "Mulder, I'm afraid I am falling. Are you still here to catch me?"

The End

Starwatching rock and the Might Have Beens comes from A Swiftly Tilting
Planet by Madeleine L'Engle.
The dream is my own pyschosis. Thank you very much, hold the applause.
Adios
RocketMan


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