Title: Heat Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe intended. Summary: Some things just get to be tiring. Category: MSR, SPOILER:::::::US5::::::::PRE-The End:::::::::: Heat ===== "I cannot take the heat I guess I'm letting go I'm tired of stitching up my dreams with This thread of hope." --Amy Grant, The Feeling I Had ===== Dana watched the clock until the second hand made a complete trip around the face, realizing that she had sat there for five full minutes simply watching the time pass by. She looked irritatingly at the phone and tapped her finger on the desk. It still did not ring. She had called Mulder on his cell phone while he was out in the field, checking on a file's validity, and he had asked if he could call her back. He said at six, when she usually left, he'd call. It was seven: she could kill the man. She let out a frustrated growl at herself for *waiting* around for him, then gathered her things and left. ~~~~ As she turned off the main cross road and onto the little lane that boasted many apartment complexes, including her own, she half hoped Mulder would be waiting for her. She still was hoping that maybe she had missed his car and he was inside when she unlocked the door. She was searching eagerly for a message light on her answering machine when she did not see any huge Mulder on her couch as she walked in. As she played the only message and heard her mother's voice, she wondered if he had gotten in an accident, if something had happened to him. And then she stopped. He wasn't going to call. He probably had forgotten, even. Her mouth soured and she clenched her fists, completely sick of his nonchalant behavior and indifferent attitude. She had thought that after her cancer he would be more . . . More. Just more. Pay more attention to her, listen to her opinion more . .. Of course, that hadn't happened. Of course. This was Mulder. ~~~~ "Oh crap, Scully, I'm sorry. I fell asleep." She wanted to glare at him and make him get on his knees and offer a thousand apologies, but of course, she let it slide and simply shrugged off his pleading. "Whatever, Mulder. Let's just get this case started." The office seemed to shrink that day and she knew he had realized he had made a huge mistake somewhere last night and that she hadn't at all gotten over it. Oh well, he'd give her some room the next few days. ~~~~ She had thought their partnership was strong. Stronger than pettiness, stronger than doubt, stronger than fear. It wasn't. She was falling away from him and didn't know if it was his fault or hers. Had it started with that night when he said he'd call and didn't? Or had it been that very first case when he had tried to freak her out by telling her horrible stories and making her think he was nuts? Maybe it had been a slow thing . . . a kind of molasses of spinning, where she hadn't really done any one thing, and neither had he. But all the same, she was too tired of trying to get him to be considerate for once in his life. She didn't have the energy to keep it going anymore. ~~~~ "Scully?" "Yeah, Mulder?" "Jeez. Never mind." he said, making a face at her sighing answer. "Mulder, just tell me." "No. Forget it. You're obviously not interested." "Mulder! Just say it." "If the X-Files are wasting your time, Scully, then-" "Dang it Mulder, just shut up and leave me alone." He scowled and shoved his chair away from the desk, angrily bringing with him the file and his coat. "Fine. I'm gone." She huffed as he walked out and slammed her desk drawers shut, rummaged loudly and abnoxiously through her briefcase, and made in general as much noise as she could. She was fuming. And yet, something in her was breaking. ~~~~ This time when she argued her point on their case, she sounded condescending, snobbish. "Ghosts, Mulder? Uh-hunh. Right. Now, tell me again what makes this worth my time?" He hated the look of utter bitterness in her eyes, but he didn't know how to change it. He wasn't sure what was wrong with them, but it was big. And it wasn't going away. ~~~~ She poured the last of the tea into her glass and ran some water in the jar. Walking over to Mulder, she set the cup on the coffee table and sat down heavily, wishing the night could just be over. "Scully, come on. Stop sulking and finish this." "Mulder...." He sighed and leaned back wearily in the chair. He let out a frustrated and smothered scream into the throw pillow and looked at her. "Scully, just go with me on this one. Do you have to always try to come up with something better? This is what happened and you know it!" "Mulder, I'm just trying to be rational." "Difficult is what you're being." "Mulder, look, let's just finish this tomorrow." "It won't change overnight, Scully. The man will still have called on his dead sister, whom you yourself saw, to kill those women." "Mulder. As I said before, it was dark and I had just been whacked on the head, thanks to *someone* not backing me up-" He winced and threw the pillow at her. "Shut up! Aghh! Do you have to keep dragging that up? I was attacked by a huge Doberman!" "Mulder, it was a puppy, and it was a mutt." "I was attacked." "Sure. Fine. Whatever." "Arrrgggghhh.....Don't start that again." She glared at him. "Go home, Mulder. We'll deal with this tomorrow." "It'll be exactly the same." "Go home." ~~~~ At work he had arrived late and rushed into their office to try to do that report when he got a call from Skinner. After that meeting, he was livid. He burst into their basement office with his face red and his eyes ready to bulge out: he was more angry than she had ever seen him before. For the first time, she was afraid of him. He started the morning by screaming. "Why the hell would you go and do that? Huh? Why sneak it?" "What are you-" "Don't do that to me. You should have told me last night you were going to turn in that . . . that load of *crap* to Skinner so that I wouldn't look like a fool when I got here this morning." She gaped at him lamely. "I didn't know he would-" "I really appreciate your *partnership* attitude Scully, it's about as wonderful as your friendliness these days." "Oh, that's low Mulder. I didn't know he'd call you on it. I wanted to get it over with. We weren't going to come to a mutual agreement on it. We haven't agreed on anything since . . . since . . . I don't know when." "You're right. I don't know what made you change Scully, but I want the old Scully back." She stood there, stunned, as if he had physically slapped her with his hand. She gathered her strength clamped down hard inside her cheek with her teeth. She would not cry in front of him. "Well, the old Scully had cancer and a lack of interest in life. The new Scully wants to live. And this isn't cutting my definition of being alive." He glared at her and she could see beneath that the hurt in his eyes. She shook her head. "It's too hard to do anymore Mulder." He felt his breakfast rise as she walked out the door. ~~~~ ==== "And all I ever wanted was This feeling I had with us" --Amy Grant, "The Feeling I Had" "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." --John 15:13 ==== She felt as if some things in them had definitely changed, but she couldn't really pinpoint what exactly. It was almost like the time in sixth grade when she and her best guy friend started to like each other and there was all this strained tension between them because of it. Except this was Mulder and there was no way she *liked* him like that. No way. ~~~~ He couldn't understand what was going wrong. One day she was doing okay, not really needing for him to pay attention to her and the next, she was practically whining. He had never heard her whine or complain about their job. She just did it. He wondered what had changed in her. Or maybe something had changed in him? ~~~~ The plane was doing its best impression of a boat ride in stormy waters and passing a little too admirably for her stomach's taste. She clutched the seat's arms and made her best effort not to whimper as the plane bucked decisively under her, making her feel a little too much like a rodeo clown on a mad bronco. Mulder said nothing, did nothing, offered no distractions as he usually did when he could see she was freaking out. Of course, she never admitted to this, but he knew, and she pretended he didn't and he did too, and things were okay. This night, however, he was tired and not really feeling like trying to play 'good' partners again when he had been trying to pull it off all week in Oregon. By the end of their case, 'good' had degraded into just trying to stay dignified in the face of oncoming traffic, mainly her headlight-like eyes that froze him deer-stupid to the road. The plane did a roll again and she just knew the pilots were up there laughing and having a wonderful time. It pitched wildly again, sending nasuea sliding up her throat like a sea snake. Scully lost it and grabbed his arm, tightly, as if she wanted to pop one of his veins to his skin to tap blood. He resented it at first, after all his 'trying' all week, but he couldn't help but take her hand in his and kiss her knuckles reassuringly. He was amused when she visibly relaxed and hunched further down into her seat so that she was closer to him. This time though, his actions did not go unseen. "Thank you," she whispered. Mulder felt an odd protectiveness come over him, wash through his veins and empty the bad blood between them to fill him with honey sweet warmth. He palmed her head and gently moved it so she was resting on his shoulder, content and safe in a little nest made by his arm and chest. When the plane hit the air pockets again she closed her eyes tightly and he rubbed his thumb over her ear in a comforting gesture. Somehow, nothing was changing right now. ~~~~ They were dragging themselves off the plane when it happened. A little boy barreled right into her and knocked her even more off balance, combining the force of his hurtling body with the seasickness of a bumpy plane ride to cause her to tip mercilessly to the floor. Mulder managed to catch her and pull her up and hold her steady. She frowned and checked her pockets, but her money and everything was intact. Mulder led her out of the airport and to his car, which they had left overnight in the parking lot. She seemed oddly dazed by the run-in and he had to call her name three times before she responded. "Uh, Scully, I was just wondering if you'd like me to drop you off tonight or do me the honor of gracing me with your presence." he said, laying it on thick to cause her to forget the boy. She merely nodded. "Your apartment's okay." she murmured. ~~~~ He'd been attempting to be deep in conversation with her when he realized she was not at all paying attention, so he shut up and began flipping channels, waiting for her to come back to his time zone. When it registered that he wasn't talking anymore she let out a little noise and turned to see him, apology on her face. She was opening her mouth to tell him some excuse when he placed a finger to her lips and shook his head. "Just tell me what's bothering you." She lowered her head and licked her bottom lip in the habit she had whenever she had something sad and important to say, something he wouldn't like to hear, yet nontheless, loved to because he loved watching her tongue dart out, and glide, glide, glide, across her pinkish skin. "When I caught myself automatically checking my pockets to see if something had been planted or stolen, Mulder . . . I realized how pathetic I've become, how utterly wretched it is to not trust anyone." He sighed and closed his eyes, blocking out her words. Already. Already she was getting too jaded to continue. Already she was jaded enough to know that she wasn't innocent anymore and want to quit because of it. "Scully...." "Mulder, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I know it's nothing to do with you; it's me. I've had this nagging at the back of my head that I've been forever changed, forever calloused, and I can't do anything about it." "You're not like that Scully." "Yes, Mulder, I am. I am because when that boy did that, I did not feel the same shamefulness I used to feel. That because of this other person's crimes against humanity, I share in the shame of it. I didn't feel that. I simply reacted. I did not care. That's what scares me most, Mulder. That I won't care so much that I'll end up like CancerMan or his friends." He bit down hard on his lip and made it bleed, then sucked it clean before shaking his head and pressing his hand to hers. "If you can still feel this, if you can still know that you're losing touch, then you're not gone, Scully. You're not." "I wish I could feel, Mulder. I want to look at a person doing wrong and know with cartainty that it is wrong, and then feel ashamed that this person is of my species, or my country. I want to feel it, Mulder." "I don't think you can get the shame back. You're above that. You're greater than shame . . ." She shook her head and he watched her agonized eyes slide across his face. "Mulder . . . I just want something to feel." He knew, then, what it was about. Why so many things had shaken her over the past few weeks. The sting of Emily's death had numbed her to oblivion, and although no pain felt good for awhile, it was unhealthy and dangerous, and she knew it. Looking at her tragic face, peering into her soul by seeing her eyes, he knew he wanted to be the one to make her feel again. His hands met her face and brushed the cheeks, wiping away the invisible tears she wanted to be crying and making her skin soft again. She closed her eyes and it seemed to be an invitation to him. She was asking him to make her feel life again. Asking him to give her back her innocence, her emotions, her life. He bent forward and gave his life for hers. ~~~~ end adios RocketMan