Faith
By RocketMan
lebontrager@harding.edu

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is
intended.

WARNING::::Post-All Souls, MSR almost

~~~~~
Faith
~~~~~
"You mean accepting my loss?"
"Can you accept it?"
"Maybe that's what faith is."
--All Souls
~~~~~

There was always around her the sense that she was missing something.

Her mother was noticing this and she sent her daughter cards, occasionally
phoning, even randomly dropping by.

Needless to say, Scully didn't enjoy the 'dropping by' especially when
every event caused the missing feeling to crest over her in waves.

Missing.

She didn't know what it was, didn't know how to get around it, or even
what to do with it.

Missing.

She wanted to ask Mulder, wanted to come running up to him and have hime
tell her that everything was all right.

But he had no belief.

And without his belief, she had no strength.

~~~~~

The day dazzled past in a blur of missing time and an autopsy.

She fell to her knees when she got home, hitting the couch and slumping
into its rigid embrace. There was nothing she could think of to make
things better, and nothing she could do to help herself.

She was missing something.

It ached like a punch to her gut, twisting her insides and creating this
sense of now and not yet. Like she was stuck.

Stuck in her nothing.

Her missing.

~~~~~

There were dreams.

Of white lights and music that sounded shrill and harsh, of men bending
over her and Japanese words flowing through her mind.

Of long faces with long eyes. 

Of screaming in pain.

Of a little girl staring back at me with those eyes that say, "Please,
please, Mommy let me go."

"Please let me go,"

~~~~~

She woke suddenly, sweating, retching over the side of her bed with all
the pent up fear and sickening feelings that she never allowed to surface.

Scully stumbled to the bathroom and collapsed to the cool floor, letting
her mind wander with overwhelming exhaustion.

The numbing knowledge that Emily was dead sent her to the darkness of
sleep.

~~~~~

There were hands reaching for her, hands and a long face, but no eyes, no
mouth, not happiness or love or . . .

She screamed, screamed for her savior, her mortal savior that could
vanquish any foe, screamed his name with all the strength in her and then
felt nothing.

Cold.

No.

Hands.

Wake up, I'm sorry, wake up, Scully,


Wake up, I didn't mean to let them take you, wake up, I'm here

Wake up, Scully.

Her eyes flickered and she saw the long face of her Mulder.

"Mul...."

"Scully, Scully, wake up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this-"

She jumped away, out of his arms, off the cold cold floor and covered her
chest with her crossed arms.

"Mulder."

"Scully."

"What are you doing here?"

"I was supposed to pick you up for the airport, remember? You didn't
answer. . ."

She shivered and looked away, the way her eyes were cold and dead making
him want to take her in his arms again.

Apologize until she stopped hurting.

"Scully?"

"Mulder, just leave."

"Scully, I want to know what's going on."

"No, Mulder, you don't really want to know. You'd find it hurt too much if
you did."

He stared at her for a long moment.

"I'll be out in a second, Mulder. Let me get dressed."

~~~~~

More dreams on the plane.

Dreams of little girls dying, dreams of seraphims taking away her
children, taking away Mulder, taking away Samantha.

She stayed awake when she could, but she had no sleep the night before and
Mulder was letting her head fall to his shoulder.

Resting on his shoulder.

It was nice.

Soft feeling.

Comforting.

When she sat up again, it was missing. Just like everything else in her
life.

Missing.

~~~~~

"Can you accept it?"

She blanched, felt her face grow pale and limp.

"What?"

"Scully?"

Mulder reached out for her just as she felt her body give way.

can you accept it
maybe
maybe
maybe that's what faith is
what belief is
where strength comes from

~~~~~

Mulder's eyes met hers when she was brought from outer darkness.

She cleared her throat and was glad she had blacked out in her hotel room,
with Mulder there to catch her.

"Scully?"

"Mulder, I- I . . ."

She paused, realized this was something, somewhere he could never go with
her.

This was her sorrow, and ultimately, her journey.

There was nothing he could do to make it easier. Nothing to give her
strength.

She had to find that on her own.

Find her faith, and there. . .

there would her strength lie also.

~~~~~

Dreams.

Of a tiny face

with blonde hair and blue eyes and a grin that rivaled Mulder's when she
joked around with him

and a cross, dangling in the light

a cross

and a loss

a pain so deep she would keep it in her forever

forever and heaven

eternity

and then

then

the peace

the knowing that seraphim - God - love

had taken her daughter from the hate and the waste of the world.

And in that loss

that cross

was her faith.

~~~~~

end 
adios
RM