=========== The Emilys Symphony =========== "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me." --"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve =========== He didn't want to move. Her arm was sprawled across his chest, face pressed into the pillow and agonizingly close to him. Rarely did she act so abandoned, so innocently untempered by thought and propriety. He feared he wouldn't see her like this in a long time. But he had to get up if everything was to go the way he needed it to. He took her hand in his and kissed her fingers before depositing the carelessly flung arm back on her side. Then he slid out of bed, rippling the sheets as he passed. He rubbed his face under the sink and dried off with a towel before even allowing a glance in the mirror. Then he grimaced at the sight and went to pull on some jeans. He hadn't slept all night; all he could think about was her agony: the look of utter desolation that had crept into her eyes that Sunday morning. He woke Libby and she was characteristically quiet, never questioning why her father was taking her to school this morning. He helped Libby pick out clothes and then hummed a bit of an old song under his breath as he fixed her breakfast. She heard him and wrapped her arms around his legs, her face lifting to look into his eyes. "Whatcha singin' Daddy?" she said, her embrace tight and smile wide. He grinned. "An old song, baby." "Teach it to me," she said and took the sack lunch he offered her. She placed it with great care into her backpack and Mulder knew that Scully had been exactly the same as a child, meticulously placing things in their proper place. It made him smile. "Okay, in the truck, I'll teach it to you." Libby joyfully ran through the house until she made it to the front door, where she called back to him to hurry up. When he got to her he frowned. "You have to be quiet for Mommy, sweetheart." Libby nodded and her face got very dramatic. With a staged whisper she raised her eyebrows and said, "Okay, Daddy. I'll be very quiet." He raised his eyebrow and took her chin in his hand. "Mommy teaching you sarcasm, baby?" Her face widened into a grin and she shook her head. "Ha, ha. No, I learned it all from you." "Mommy told you to say that too, didn't she?" "Wouldn't you like to know," she said and then scampered down the hall out of his reach. He grinned and they raced down to the street, Libby shrieking so loudly, Mulder was sure Scully had woken up by now. In the truck, stuck in traffic, Mulder sang her the song he'd been humming. He started out softly, then picked it up a bit when she had caught on to the chorus. Mulder grinned as they drove down 84th singing to the top of their lungs "Another Brick In the Wall" by Pink Floyd. Wouldn't Scully love him for this, when her daughter came home from school belting out -- "Teacher, leave those kids alone." He sort of laughed and kissed Libby good-bye and drove demonically back to their apartment. It was silent when he turned his key into the door and opened it. He heard the faint sounds of Friday morning traffic on the street below them and the hum of the air conditioner, on due to a recent wave of El Nino heat. He stepped out of his sneakers and into their bedroom, eyes adjusting to the dim light, making out her still form under the sheets. She was curled up on her side, as usual, her face turned to the wall, arms held tightly into her body, legs curled slightly. He lamented the loss of the vulnerable, more free postion she'd been in earlier. He climbed back into bed and wondered if she would uncurl her tiny body again. He crossed the invisible line separating their sides and reached out to touch her. Just as his fingers connected with her hair, she sighed heavily and turned, landing in his embrace. He smiled into her hair and drew her closer to him, surprised when she snuggled into his chest. Scully was not a snuggler. Her breath made his skin itch and soon he was twisting his neck oddly to keep her lips away from his throat. Finally he got in a comfortable postition, his face nestled under her chin, arm slung loosely around her waist. And there he fell asleep. =========== Dana woke to warmth and completeness filling her space. She kept her eyes closed until she jerked with a start. Mulder woke as she slipped hastily out of bed. "Scully, come back to bed." "It's Friday, Mulder. I over --" "No. No, I took Libby." "But I have to get to work --" "No you don't." She paused and turned back to him, in a state of undress, legs clean and a pinkish peach all the way to her black underwear. "What do you mean?" "I mean, trust me. You're not working today." "Did they call?" "No. I called." She looked horrified and shook her head. "Mulder, I can't call in sick. They really can't afford it. Neither can we. We need this money." He smiled lazily and she grew frustrated with his lack of understanding. "Mulder --" "Scully. I'll explain everything, just get back in bed. You're making me cold." She shivered, realizing how exposed she was and turned her face, then glanced hesitantly at the clock before crawling back in bed. He gathered her into his arms and closed his eyes, looking for the world like he was going to fall asleep again. "I arranged for you and me to have today off." She stiffened. "When?" "Last Sunday." She sighed a little, realizing that this was a reaction to her words on Sunday in church. "Why?" she asked, thinking she might as well get out all the 'W' questions early on. "Because we need a break. We need to talk. But most of all, we need to figure out what we lost and get it back somehow." She smiled sadly at his sentiment and closed her eyes. "But we get to sleep, right now." he said softly. He felt her skin quiver with silent laughter. "Okay, then, Mulder. We sleep. Then we talk." He nodded against her shoulder, causing her skin to catch fire. "Then we talk." =========== She watched him as he made the coffee, legs planted firmly on the linoleum as if he was facing down something from the X-Files. His back stretched before her in great plains and sweeps of muscle and tissue, tight under his grey T-shirt. His hair was dark with natural human oils and his jaw rough with shadows. She was curled up on the kitchen chair, legs pulled under her long white T-shirt to keep out the cold. He turned and produced a steady hand holding tightly to a mug of steaming brown alertness called coffee. She took it from him and sipped it immediately, burning her tongue and half her tastebuds and making a pained face while he laughed. "Watch out, Scully. It's hot," he said with exaggerated slowness. She made a face at him and he laughed. "Libby did that to me this morning, along with a few words that I'm sure she got from you." "I haven't cursed in front of her!" she protested. He laughed again. "No, no cursing. Only heavy, Scully-brand sarcasm." She smiled demurely and sipped her slightly less hot coffee. He narrowed his eyes and crept close to her, standing tall over her. She did not shrink back in her chair, merely stared up at him with bright blue eyes that dared him to challenge her. So he did. "Mulder!" she yelped, as his hands came sneaking down to touch her. She spilled the coffee on his bare feet and he howled and jumped back while she attempted to make soothing noises to cover up her laughing. He gave her a pout. "It's not funny, Scully." She stifled the laughter and tried to look sorry for it, but her eyes were laughing. "Sorry, Mulder, but it's pretty funny. You have the best timing, you know?" He grew very grave and took the mug from her hands and then leaned in very close. His breath grazed her ear and she tensed to keep from shivering. "I don't need timing." She exploded, laughing so hard that her eyes teared up and she had to clutch her stomach and hold onto him to ride out the waves of laughter. She'd been expecting something very sexy and formidable and then that. He smiled with her, glad she was so joyful today, so full of carefree spirit. He didn't usually see that with her. When she had calmed down, sighing and holding her aching stomach muscles, he placed a kiss on her lips, lightly and softly, as if reminding her that he had been the one to make her laugh, to give her relief. She sobered and drew her arms around him, face pressed into his shoulder. "Fine now, Scully?" She smiled and shook her head. "No, but getting better." "Mmm ... honesty. Refreshing." She pulled out of his arms and drained the rest of her coffee. "So, what are we doing today?" He grinned and his eyebrows twitched. "Wouldn't you like to know ..." =========== She walked arm in arm with him, shinging and smiling as she noticed the looks of envy from others around them. He was focused totally on her and she could feel his eyes at every step. "Scully, look!" She paused, allowing him to pull her to the side so that the mall traffic could flow right around them. It was a plain light blue dress. Sort of a spring fashion. She looked at him. "Ok?" He pointed to it. "You'd look good in that." She glanced at it. "Mulder, we really don't have the money for that." He shook his head. "At least go try it on and let me see what it is I'm missing." She took his hand and led him inside. She had said that about the last hundred things he had showed her, and he said the same in return. He didn't care. She was having a good time, trying things on and letting him watch her turn and show them off. She felt like a woman again, and that's all that mattered. =========== "Ice cream?" "No, I'm starving. I want some lunch," she replied. He laced his fingers through hers and threaded his way to the food counter, Scully following along behind him. They ordered burgers and fries even though she grimaced as they were taken out of deep fry and dumped into the waiting paper containers. He smiled at her willingness to eat whatever they found. There weren't many other choices out there. She watched the park from the comfort of a bench, the trees masking the angry noise of New York into a faint rushing that sounded like water more than cars and taxis. He finished faster than her and leaned forward on his knees to watch some kids playing on the swings across from them. He remembered taking Libby out there to play, pushing her until she was so high, she got light headed and yelled down to him that she could touch the clouds. She smiled at the softness on his face and snaked her arm around his. He turned and kissed her nose and she withdrew her arm to finish her burger. He noticed she hadn't touched the fries. He stole one away and smiled at her wrinkled nose, noticing how much Libby took after her. After a few minutes of silence she leaned back, content to let this pass between them. She shut her eyes and soaked in the sun, almsot wishing she could be a plant, create energy from the light and live naturally and unhindered. "Hey," he said softly, touching her cheek. She turned and, for a moment, did not open her eyes. She looked like a peaceful saint that way. Then she nailed him with a dazzling smile and wide eyes. He felt his entire soul throb and explode with this. "Dana," he said softly, fingers rubbing the side of her face. "Thank you, Mulder. I don't know what one thing did it, but I'm okay now." He grinned like a child and leaned over to kiss her. She was still smiling. He never saw her smile. "What was wrong before?" She sighed. "I think I was getting homesick ... or soul sick, really." He took her hand and frowned. "Everything was a patchwork of lies and half truths and fear and hurt and I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought that at least." "Was it not?" "No, it wasn't. It isn't. I was seeing only the past and I couldn't get away from it. And then, when you told me that someone had followed me, it was as if it had all found me again, the past had run right up and slammed me back into reality." She studied her fingers, shame spreading along her eyes. "I thought this was a sham to you, Mulder. I thought that it was only a contrived way to deal with unpleasant things. I let myself believe that so that I couldn't get hurt if you left ... if I left." "I'd never leave!" "I know. I know. I told myself you would and convinced myself that because of that, I didn't need you. But I do. I do need you, and I was afraid that I'd start hurting again." He said nothing and she gave out a little shudder of a sigh, her hand tightening around his. He let his hand hang limply for a moment and then squeezed back. She sighed in relief and slumped back in the bench. "I can accept that Scully," he said. "I don't understand, and that's what kind of hurts, but I do accept it. And it's all right. But just know that I love you and nothing else matters." She sighed. "Mulder, I know you do. But as what? Good friends, partners, more? That's what I was afraid of, that it wouldn't be how I loved you." "Does that matter?" he said gently, shaking his head. She seemed confused again, suddenly plunged back into doubt at his words. "Does it matter how I love you? What if it's only as good friends, Scully? What would you do then?" Her eyes were pained and he wondered if this was worth it. "What do you mean?" "Would it be a sham to you if I only loved you like that?" Her heart wouldn't catch up to her breathing, her brain wouldn't catch up to her heart. "A sham?" she echoed dumbly. "If you didn't?" "If I didn't, but this was real to me, would it be a sham?" "I don't know what you mean ..." she said desperately. He removed his hand from hers. "Scully, I don't love you like ... like that. I do love you. Just ..." She was standing, rising, pulling her body away and breathing fast so that the tears wouldn't fall. "Scully, come back here, right now." Anger rose and she turned in hatred, her eyes clouded with pain and loathing. But something about his face stilled her retort. He was crying. "God, no. Scully I didn't want to hurt you ... But it would be a 'sham,' a lie, if I let it go on like this." Her ribs were collapsing into her body, her heart crushed by blood and air. "Scully, I do love you. I love you probably more than anyone ever could. But it is not romantic, really. How could it be? We could never let it be -- Scully, stop closing down on me. Listen." His plea made her slump to the grass and she sat there shivering. "It's good love, though," he said, trying to lighten it. "I do love you. I do. Don't ever doubt that, Scully. Don't ever." "Not romantic, but good. What the hell am I supposed to believe now?" she snapped, her eyes once again flaring with anger. He knew he shouldn't have. "Scully, you know I'm married to my work, to the X-Files, and that has not changed. Just because we don't have them -- well, I don't stop. I know you know that's what this job is, in basest form. Helping others, finding killers, making people understand, believe. I do love you, just not so ... so ... passionately. Crap, Scully, stop looking at me like that." She was silent, her hurt more than words. "I wish with all my heart I could love you like that. What we have is steady and solid and it makes me happy and gives me more joy and life than anything I've ever known. It's better and stronger than anything I've ever had with anyone. It's the closest I've ever gotten to the kind of love you're talking about." She had turned her face, drawing in breaths that were fast and labored and making her dizzy. He came and sat down in front of her, reaching his hands out to hold her. She fell into him despite the fear and the anger welling up in her. "Dana, this is the kind that most married people never attain, that most lovers cannot even dream of. I'd give you my life in an instant. I'd let you take all of me and I'd give it all to you for nothing. You have me, Scully, body, soul, strength ... belief." "But?" she said softly, her face ashen. "But it's not the kind where I wake in the middle of the night craving your touch." Her eyes were storming endless lightning strikes that shimmered gold-green like tornado skies. "I wake ... " She trailed off then resumed some kind of blind courage. "I wake aching ... " she whispered. Tears slipped from his eyes and he let her have her silence, her dignity. Her head came up and she touched his cheek. "Don't cry, Mulder," she said, not sure if she was even allowed to touch him anymore. He leaned into her hand and kissed it. "Why do you do this?" she said, agonized. "Because you need it." She snatched her hand away, eyes blazing. She didn't need charity. "Scully. Stop being stupid." Her mouth dropped open. He had never spoken like that to her. "Scully, I would give you anything because I love you. And if you want it like this, if that gives you peace, then I freely give it. I give it ... I need to." "You don't need this." she said, her voice mechanical and tinted with bitterness. "I need to know you won't let go of me. I need you to remind me that I can be good for something ... for someone. Otherwise, I'm lost." He was afraid of everything he had said. Afraid she would never understand that she meant more to him than sex and passion, that they were above that kind of love. "Mulder," she said softly, her own heart tripping her up. "Mulder, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He let her hands trail across his face, down his chest, through his hair. He drew her to him, hoping she understood, hoping he hadn't killed what they did have because of his obssessive need for the truth in all things. She stirred agianst him and he kissed her, tongue clashing against her lips. She pulled away, confused. "I never said you didn't turn me on," he whispered and pulled her back. "I'm sorry," she said. "For turning me on?" She raised an eyebrow. "Not for that. I hope it's making you very uncomfortable ... I'm sorry that I let this all get in the way. You're right, it doesn't matter." He smiled slowly and nipped at her mouth. "You're right, too. It's making me very uncomfortable. How about we go home?" She laughed and stood, pulling him up and into her arms. "Lead the way, G-man." "Ah, you forget. No longer G-man." "Oh, Mulder. You'll always be a G-man to me." They ambled across the park, smiling. She bent in close to him, standing on tiptoe to reach his hearing. "So, I turn you on?" ==========END==========