Date: Mon, 01 Jun 1998 22:39:02 +0000
From: Lyle Bontrager <lbontger@wmcstations.com>
Subject: All in All (1/1)


Title: All in All (1/1)
Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is
intended.
Rating: MS/UST, S
SPOILER FOR THE END::::::::US5:::::::Don't worry, this isn't another
post ep story, simply a follow-up.....<g>

Dedicated to Deb and her little girl Sara, for their awesome
inspiration.

All in All

=====
"All in all it's just a
'nother brick in the wall."
--Pink Floyd, "Another Brick In The Wall"
=====

It's just one more thing to feel bad about, when everything is done.

I had hoped it would stay the same, or at least, that it would go on
forever, with us waging mini-battles from time to time and in between,
getting preyed on by the paranormal.

Of course, that was sort of innocently crazy, to think it would go on
forever.

And it didn't help that we found the cure for her cancer. That didn't
stop my fire for eternal X-Files, eternal Truth. If she could get better
after having a life-destroying illness brought on by *them* then
certainly we would always have the X-Files.

I liked touching her.

Okay, sorry, off topic, but it does fit, sort of.

While she was sick, I had to touch her. I had to reach out and feel the
life still in her before I could no longer ever feel her life. I wanted
to hold her right next to my ear and listen to her heart beat until I
fell asleep in its lullabye. 

But she got better.

And I didn't have the excuse to do that anymore. I miss it. 

Just another thing to feel bad about later.

Now, again, we're separate people, finding separate truths, like we've
always done. Things like Emily and her abduction and her call to that
bridge have splintered us, but still, we hang together.

I had thought we always would.

The fire not only destroyed the office, it destroyed something inside of
both of us. I didn't want to keep going, I couldn't see any hope
anymore, and Scully . . . Scully just wanted it all to be over.

She just wanted to lay her head down and sleep without nightmares,
without fears, without hurt and pain and forever. Without me? I wasn't
sure. . .

I wanted to help her, save her, love her, and so, I found a way to do
all three, and also to tear down this wall between us, I hoped.
~~~~~
"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

I watched her body turn in the chair until she was facing me, her hair
falling gently around her chin as if afraid to touch her too much, to
touch her and bring her back to reality.

"If . . . if you want to quit this . . . say so."

She frowned and shook her head as if she didn't know what I meant.

"The X-Files. They're gone, Scully. Basically, we have nothing left. And
I wouldn't . . . feel that you had abandoned them if you want to leave
before everything hits the fan."

"It's too late to turn away, Mulder. You should know that."

I wanted to touch her, make sure I was talking to Scully, be absolutely
certain that she was alive and with me.

"I know. I just wanted to give you the chance. I'm sorry."

Her head jerked up and she slid out of the chair to come sit next to the
couch, resting her chin on the cushion I was laying on.

"Mulder, don't ever apologize. Don't ever be sorry for this. Once you
start feeling like you have to apologize, that this was some kind of
mistake, then that's when you make this worthless."

I give her a sarcastic look. "Scully, comparing losses and gains, I'd
say this was pretty meager. We accomplished nothing."

She twisted her head from me and I thought maybe she was going to cry,
but instead she clutched my hand and squeezed it hard.

"We didn't do this for nothing. Don't say this was for nothing. Don't
say that."

"Scully, we gained nothing. We gained *nothing* for all of this crap we
went through. It almost killed you and we gained nothing."

I was angry, ready to kill someone because of the hopelessness of it.

She shook her head. "Mulder, we gained each other. If that's not enough
. . . then I don't know what to say. All I know is that I don't want my
sister's death, my own griefs, or yours, to be considered in vain. I
can't let it them be."

I wished I could touch her. She was close enough, sitting right there,
her lips inches from my ear: all I had to do was turn and catch them.

Her finger came up and glided across my cheek, her eyes far away.

I did it. I turned and held her head to me with one hand while I kissed
her lips with the other.

"If that's what this was for, then it was worth it," I whispered.

She looked stunned, like I had just told her that the X-Files were
burned again, or maybe that I loved her.

She backed away and collapsed back into her chair.

I sighed and closed my eyes, praying that things weren't completely
screwed over.
~~~~~
Yeah, I was pretty idiotic that night.

She went home and stayed there for a day before coming back over,
pretending like nothing had happened.

All in all, in was just another brick in our wall.
~~~~~

end
adios
RM