Title: Iron Pathologist Authors: Sarah Segretti and Mr. Segretti Rating: G Category: Crossover, H (we hope) Email: mrsblome@aol.com Website: http://members.aol.com/mrsblome Disclaimers: Far too complex to go into here. We take no responsibility. Some text adapted from actual episodes. Sarah made up Scully's pre-XF resume. In fact, we took a lot of liberties. Summary: Challenger Scully takes on the Iron Pathologist. Authors' note: For the uninitiated, "Iron Chef" is a Japanese cooking show that pits chefs against one another to cook gourmet meals with the wackiest ingredients you've ever considered not eating (eel heads, anyone?), filmed and narrated as if cooking was a spectator sport on ESPN. On the Food Network in the U.S. at 10 p.m. EST Friday. Visit http://www.ironchef.com for more. *** Iron Pathologist By Sarah Segretti and Mr. Segretti November 2000 VOICEOVER: Five years ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a forum never seen before -- a giant coroner's office. The Autopsy Stadium. The motivation for spending his fortune to create Autopsy Stadium was to encounter new original causes of death, the determination of which could be called a true artistic creation. The Autopsy Stadium is the arena where Iron Pathologists await the challenges of Master Pathologists from around the world. Both the Iron Pathologist and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme victim of the day. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Pathologist, he or she will gain the people's ovation and fame. What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Pathologist fight back? The heat will be on! (Chairman Kaga is wearing a sky-blue set of silk scrubs underneath an ornate brocade cape. Sequins line the edges of his surgical mask, which dangles from his neck. He preens, poses, and bites a big yellow pepper.) VOICEOVER: This is Iron Pathologist Konichi Wa's fifth battle, and he has triumphed in the previous four. But this challenger could be his toughest. CHAIRMAN KAGA (in Japanese): At 23, she received her M.D., and by age 26 she was an instructor of fledgling pathologists at the FBI's training center in Quantico. Yet it is her work on the X-Files that puts her among the finest pathologists working today. A woman who can catch a needle puncture unnoticed by men with years of practice, who can autopsy an elephant with alacrity ... Dr. Dana Scully. (When the smoke clears, Scully is seen, arms folded across her chest, shot from below so that she looks at least 5 foot 6. She is wearing magenta scrubs and clear goggles with black frames along the top of the lenses. Her hair is tucked neatly behind her ears and looks fabulous. The Iron Pathologist, in the same pose and shot from the same angle, is in classic sea green, wearing no goggles. He is wearing a surgeon's cap.) KAGA (in Japanese): Today's theme -- (He whips the sheet off a body.) KAGA (in Japanese): -- middle-aged woman! (The Gong of Fate sounds. Scully and the Iron Pathologist scramble to their places in the Autopsy Stadium. They pick up scalpels and begin to work on their respective cadavers.) ANNOUNCER: Ah, both are using the classic Y-incision. Dr. Scully learned her techniques at the University of Maryland Medical School, while the Iron Pathologist has a slightly different style, picked up at the Gifu University School of Medicine. GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: I have seen the Iron Pathologist work. His technique is, ah, elegant and calm. Soothing. INGENUE (titters): But I hear she is a fine pathologist. And her scrubs, ah, so flattering! SIDELINES REPORTER: Fukui-san! ANNOUNCER: Yes! SIDELINES REPORTER: I spoke with the Iron Pathologist just before the competition began. He is an admirer of Dr. Scully's work. But he is confident he will retain his title. ANNOUNCER: She has done more work with anomalous events, has she not? SIDELINES REPORTER: Yes. Dr. Scully is especially famous for autopsies on victims of vampirism, exsanguination and invisibility. The fact that today's challenge is an average middle-aged woman with no apparent unusual cause of death may give the advantage to the Iron Pathologist. MALE ACTOR: Ah, see what she's picking up? Is that the usual tool for this part of the procedure? ANNOUNCER: It looks like a No. 2 blade. That's unusual. Perhaps as a government pathologist, she -- SIDELINES REPORTER: Fukui-san! ANNOUNCER: You're a busy boy tonight. Go! SIDELINES REPORTER: We spoke with Dr. Scully just now, and you're right. She prefers the No. 2 blade when making incisions in the abdominal area. INGENUE (titters): Ahhhh! So we'll get to see some intestines now! SIDELINES REPORTER: And Fukui-san! ANNOUNCER: Go on! SIDELINES REPORTER: Before we began, her partner told us that she has skilled and delicate hands, and he's confident she'll win this competition. ANNOUNCER: Her partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder. He's watching with other federal employees tonight. (Cut to Mulder, up in the box with Skinner, Kimberly and Pendrell, all in matching dark suits. They watch expressionlessly.) FOOD CRITIC: Ah, look at what the Iron Pathologist has found! (During all of this, Scully and the IP have been going about their autopsy duties. The IP is lifting a chunk of fleshy red organ into a hanging scale near his autopsy table.) MALE ACTOR: Is that the proper color for the stomach? ANNOUNCER: Absolutely. Looks like nothing wrong there. SIDELINES REPORTER: Fukui-san! ANNOUNCER: Go on! SIDELINES REPORTER: The Iron Pathologist reports that his victim had a fruit cup with strawberries, couscous and cantaloupe, as well as anglerfish topped with caviar and kelp, as her final meal. ENTIRE PANEL: Mmmmmm!!! INGENUE: Anglerfish is such a delicacy. It makes my mouth feel, ah, all silky inside. (She covers her mouth and titters.) (Sudden activity on the floor. The camera jitters and wiggles as the cameraman runs to get a better angle. The Iron Pathologist is holding his eyes and screaming.) ANNOUNCER: An unexpected development! I can't tell -- FOOD CRITIC: It appears as if something black squirted out of the victim's ear! ANNOUNCER: I've never seen anything like this! (The Iron Pathologist uncovers his eyes. They are black and swirly. Scully calmly pulls a plam from her equipment tray and plunges it into the Iron Pathologist's neck. Green goo bubbles around the entry wound, then fizzles away. The Iron Pathologist falls to the floor.) ENTIRE PANEL: Ahhhh! ANNOUNCER: Ota-san! SIDELINES REPORTER: Fukui-san, we're trying to reach Dr. Scully. This is unprecedented. Dr. Scully! (Scully calmly walks over to the Sidelines Reporter.) SCULLY: The Iron Pathologist's victim clearly died of massive infection with an alien retrovirus, one that is transmissible even after the patient's death. I've learned over the years that it's not wise to probe into a cadaver's ear without proper universal precautions. By the way, my victim died of an undetected cardiac irregularity. SIDELINES REPORTER: Well, there you have it. Alien retrovirus. (Cut to Scully standing at the end of the long table as the panel goes over her autopsy report. She looks confident.) GOV. OFFICIAL: Your language in this report is clear, yet obscure. I believe that I understand what you are trying to tell me, but I'm not quite sure in the end. You are very skillful. INGENUE (titters): The big words! They're so, ah, impressive! They make my brain turn to glass. (Scully bows slightly and nods, pleased.) CHAIRMAN KAGA: The loss of the Iron Pathologist is disappointing, but your bravery saved an entire stadium full of spectators. And you determined the cause of death in both victims. Extraordinary. (Scully bows again, with a small smile.) MALE ACTOR (laughs): I admired the skill with which you wielded the -- what was that? SCULLY: I don't know its name. Agent Mulder found it in his family's summer home. It comes in handy. FOOD CRITIC: Still, the Iron Pathologist's Y-incision had a pleasing, symmetrical quality. Yours was, ah, crude. Crooked. Government work. (Scully frowns and looks at the floor, mildly upset.) ANNOUNCER: Does the challenger make the cut in the competition? (The panel members write in their portfolio books.) ANNOUNCER: For her skill with a scalpel, her dexterity with a stiletto, and her speed with a cause of death, the winner of the Iron Pathologist competition is -- KAGA: Dr. Dana Scully! (Triumphant music, some swirling camera work. Scully smiles and bows repeatedly to the panel and audience. Mulder, Skinner, Kimberly and Pendrell are seen applauding in the box. There is a brief, slow-motion montage of Scully plamming the Iron Pathologist.) ANNOUNCER: Dr. Scully, tell us about your victory tonight. SCULLY: Well, I came prepared for a tough battle. And I must say that my opponent was a worthy one. But his lack of experience with the, ah, the unexplained event -- well, it certainly was a shock. We must all be prepared for things like this. As pathologists, we must inspire each other, and become better pathologists. (Credits roll.) -30- Sarah's comments: This is all the fault of haphazard method. And Mr. Segretti abetted. I'm an innocent amanuensis. Eb, this one's for you. Mr. Segretti says: This is my first fanfic ever! Let me know if you liked it! (notices co-author weeping with laughter) What? What did I say??