TITLE:  In the Moment
AUTHOR:  PD
DISCLAIMER:  I don't own Mulder and Scully.  I can't even control 
my cats.
CLASSIFICATION:  SRAH, MSR
RATING:  PG-13
SPOILERS:  Millennium
ARCHIVAL:  Gossamer, yes - All others, please let me know   
SUMMARY:  It's hard to be in the moment with someone who's two 
steps ahead of you.  Scully learns to catch up.

All stories can be found at http://home.earthlink.net/~pdryder/

FEEDBACK:  All righty.   pdryder@earthlink.net

   
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In the Moment


By PD
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Burnside Memorial Hospital
Midnight 
January 1, 2000


Oh, she thought as he leaned closer and kissed her.  

She closed her eyes and - his lips are so warm, she thought.  Is 
anyone - oh - it's not - I should've changed my sheets, she 
thought.  And we haven't stopped yet, don't stop yet, she 
thought.  He hasn't pulled away, she thought, but he will, he 
will or I will or maybe it will go on and on and maybe before it 
stops, I'll just - 

Oh, she thought as he pulled away.  

* * * *

They made their way down the hall toward the hospital exit.  
Scully walked staring at her feet, feeling the weight of his arm 
around her shoulder and the brush of his thigh against her hand.  
She realized then that she should have put her arm around his 
waist immediately.  She couldn't do it now.  Not without looking 
foolish.  She felt sure that a whole hallway and a swinging door 
was just waiting too long to reciprocate.  So, she didn't.

They stopped outside the hospital's main entrance, and the cold 
night air stung her face.  Sharp, icy pinpricks that were that 
much more pronounced on her flushed and heated skin. 

"Stay here, Mulder," she said without turning, and his arm 
dropped from around her shoulder.  "I'll bring the car."    

She glanced at him quickly to find him nodding.  "It's cold," she 
said and fairly loped away from him.

Her mantra from the doorstep of the hospital, to the car and back 
again was simple:  Be in the moment.  After all, wasn't that 
supposed to be her new motto?  It's okay to be confused, but be 
in the moment with him.  So far, it wasn't working.  She was 
easily a good three minutes behind him on the emotional challenge 
scale.  An eternity in the biography of a life-changing event.

She barely had the presence of mind to kiss him back.

He kissed me, she thought.  What did he say?  The world didn't 
end?  And all she was thinking was - what?  What does that mean?  
Now, she's going to have to deal with this, and it's about time, 
and what if it doesn't work out, and no, it didn't end, did it?  
No, it didn't.  She wanted it to sound full of hope, but true to 
her sense of emotional timing, she didn't realize that he took it 
as a rejection until they were down the hall.  Decidedly, she was 
not in the moment.

She resolved to touch him when she helped him into the car.  
Tenderly.  The back of the neck, his good arm, his cheek.  
Anywhere, as long as the touch was full of tenderness and hope.  
And never regret.

She pulled up to the entrance and got out when Mulder stepped 
toward the car.  She moved to his side and opened the door for 
him.

"Thanks, Scully.  I'm fine, really."

"I want to help," she said.  She placed her hand on the back of 
his neck and gave it a squeeze as he lowered himself into the 
seat.  Her hand lingered while her other hand reached for the 
seatbelt and leaned over him to snap it into place.

"Thanks," he said again.  

Her face hovered before his.  She smiled and whispered, 
"Welcome."

They drove in silence to Mulder's apartment.  At least, it was 
silent in the car.  In Scully's head, however, it was like the 
stock market at two minutes to five.  

Will I go up?  Should I?  Will he try to kiss me again?  Should I 
kiss him?  Yes!  Buy!  Buy!  Will we go to bed?  What will it be 
like?  Is this going to happen this quickly?  Quickly?!  It's 
taken the better part of a decade to get a simple New Year's kiss 
and you call this quick?!  Make up your mind.  You want him or 
you don't.  You love him or you don't.  Make up your mind!

"Scully?"

Scully bound and gagged the voices in her head and glanced at her 
- partner.  She smiled at her own hesitation.  "Hmm?"

"You passed it."

Scully frowned, checked her mirror and made an extremely illegal 
U turn.  "Sorry.  I wasn't paying attention."

He shrugged off her apology.  "Anything to see you break a law, 
Scully."

She grinned at that, made another illegal U turn and pulled in 
front of Mulder's building.  She cut the motor and after a brief 
hesitation, pulled the keys from the ignition.

He didn't question her, and she didn't ask if she could come up.  
She assumed he didn't mind, and she was not sure enough of 
herself to ask if he did.  Better to just do it.  Be in the 
moment.  

She felt good, but she also felt completely unbalanced.  Her 
thoughts and emotions were in a precarious, teetering jumble.  
It's official, she thought as they rode the elevator to his 
apartment.  My life is a house of cards.  One false move, one 
slip of the tongue...  

Scully pulled out her own keys to open his door.  She had trouble 
with the lock, turning the key this way and that, and she felt 
his eyes on her which only made her coordination go straight down 
the toilet.  She bit down hard on her lip.  The tumblers clicked 
into place and the door opened like magic.  Magic.

"Hey," he said as he closed the door behind them and followed her 
into the living room.  "How's your neck?"  

"It's all right," she said.  "Stings a little."  She turned and 
nodded in his direction.  "How's your arm feel?"

"Weird.  Zombie cooties," he said and grinned.  "Remind me to 
never watch 'Night of the Living Dead' again."

"I'll do that."   

Scully stood in front of his coffee table and stared, unseeing at 
the dark leather of his couch.

"Um, you want a drink, Scully.  You know, a New Year's drink?"

First thought in your head, she told herself.  Answer.  "Okay."

He left her alone and called to her from the kitchen.  "I'm 
afraid I'm all out of Dom Perignon, Scully.  Beer okay?"

She smiled.  "That's fine."   

She peeled off her coat and sat down, sinking into the leather.  
She stared at the magazines on the coffee table.  'Newsweek'.  
'Rolling Stone'.  'Scientific American'?  She smiled, and Mulder 
strode into the room.  He had two beers tucked between his 
fingers at the necks.  She took one from him as he sat next to 
her.  

"Thank you," she said.  He raised his beer to her and she clinked 
her bottle to his.  "Happy New Year."  She smiled.  "Again."

He chuckled and sipped his beer.  They sat in silence for several 
minutes.  When the heater kicked in, Scully jumped.  Mulder said 
nothing.

"I, uh - I'm -", she started.

Mulder expelled a sharp breath through his nose and shook his 
head.  "You don't have to say anything, Scully."  She turned to 
him.  "It was a kiss for luck, for the new year.  It's 
traditional.  It doesn't have to mean anything."

She raised a brow.  "It doesn't."

"No," he said softly.  "It doesn't."

Scully acknowledged that with a nod to herself.  She set her beer 
on the coffee table.  "But it did."

He turned to her and met her eyes.  They were challenging him to 
disagree with her.  He smiled, and the corners of her mouth 
turned up in a grin.  She faced him, folding her leg under her 
and crossed her arms.  Her good-natured fighting stance.  "Go 
on," she said.

"What?"

"Disagree with me."

He laughed softly.  "I'm afraid to," he said and she laughed, 
too.

"Mulder..."  She sighed and closed her eyes for one brief, 
calming moment.  "We're - let's talk about this.  I really want 
to."

"Scully -"

"This is obviously making us both uncomfortable.  Let's just talk 
about it and we'll feel better.  Okay?"

Mulder set his own beer down.  He sighed and pressed his lips 
together, decision made.  "Coffee?  I could use some coffee."

"Yeah."  He stood and she touched his shoulder.  "Sit down, I'll 
make it.  You can't do it with one hand."

He followed her into the kitchen anyway and leaned casually 
against the counter.  She was aware of him observing her as she 
found what she needed without looking twice.  

As she scooped the coffee into the filter, she was assaulted with 
an overwhelming sense of déjà vu.  It was the way he was 
standing, absently picking at something hardened on his 
countertop while she made coffee.  Such a simple thing, but it 
was so familiar.  

Now, she thought.  She turned to face him and he shuffled his 
feet.  One corner of his mouth turned up in a diffident grin.  

"I can think of easier things to talk about," he said.

Scully shrugged her shoulders and nodded her head, but her 
decision was made.  "I want to do this, now.  Talk about this, 
now.  I don't see it getting any easier until we have just one, 
honest conversation, Mulder.  Just one."

He nodded and suddenly brightened.  "I think there are a lot of 
givens, though.  Don't you?"

"What, you mean things we don't need to say out loud?"  She 
frowned and shook her head.  "That's where we are now, Mulder.  I 
don't want to keep doing that.  I'm not going to have a 
conversation about this filled with blind assumptions, and I 
wouldn't expect you to want that either."  

He nodded again.  She glanced at the coffee maker and the dark 
liquid dripping slowly into the stained glass of the pot.  "Come 
on," she said and took his hand.  "Let's go sit down."

She led him back to the living room where he sat gingerly on the 
couch.  Scully sat opposite him on the edge of the coffee table.  
She took in his dour expression and was happy to note that it 
didn't offend her.  

"Mulder.  This isn't going to hurt.  You look like I'm about to 
lop your head off."

He shrugged and winced.

She smiled indulgently and plunged ahead.  "You kissed me."

"Yes, I'm aware of that."  He ran his free hand through his hair.  
"Look, Scully.  I'll feel a lot better about this if you'll just 
cut to the chase and tell me if I made a mistake or not."

"You didn't."

Still, his face fell.  "Then why did you look like I'd just 
ruined everything?  Or that it meant so much less than I thought 
it would?  I mean, I can do passionate, Scully.  I just didn't 
think that it would be right if I shoved my -"

"It wouldn't have," she said quickly.  "Mulder, it was right.  I 
was a little surprised, a little confused, a little scared.  I 
was a lot of things, but I wasn't sorry or disappointed."  She 
reached for his hand and leaned closer to him.  "It was right."  
She shrugged and smiled at him.  "It's the way a first kiss 
should be."  

He smiled as she played casually with his fingers.  "There've 
been times when I wanted to, when I wanted you to," she said.  
"But I've never wanted it to come from desperation or fear.  
Never.  I just - tonight, it was just a kiss."

He smiled.  "I know you mean that in a good way."

She smiled, met his gaze and held it.  "I mean it in the best 
possible way."

"Scully?"  She raised her brows in response.  "Are you, by any 
chance, anticipating anything here?"

She sighed, and with a nod of her head, tugged lightly on his 
hand.  He moved to the edge of the couch, and she tucked her 
knees between his thighs.  Her breath puffed in his face and she 
held up one finger to him.  Just one.  One kiss.  He leaned 
closer, and she parted her lips and turned her head, just so.  
Their mouths met softly.  Scully closed her eyes and pressed 
closer.  Her free hand found his cheek and her fingers played 
delicately with the whorls of his ear.  She was unconscious of 
the comparisons she was making.  Mulder's kiss wasn't anything 
like -  And his mouth tasted of salt and not -  And his tongue 
was just there if she wanted it, not like - 

The comparisons were over quickly.  His kiss and no one else's.  
His lips and no one else's.  His tongue and - oh, there it is.  

And the kiss grew deeper, and her tongue played in his mouth, and 
his explored the roof of hers and her soft palette and last 
year's dental work, and Scully found herself seated next to him 
on the couch, and one arm was around his waist and under his t-
shirt, and the other had snaked inside his sleeve and was 
stroking his shoulder, and his skin was warm and soft like his 
lips, and his hand was sneaking under her jacket, and his fingers 
were kneading her back through the fabric of her top and - 

He pulled his lips from hers and rested his forehead against her 
temple.  "Just -" he said, catching his breath, "just one, you 
said."

She nodded against him, catching her own breath, her heart 
pounding in her chest.  "So, that's how it's gonna be," she said, 
licking her lips and tasting him.  "God, help us," she said.  

They remained like that, their breath calming, their heart rates 
slowing.  Scully draped her arms around his neck and toyed with 
the soft hairs at his nape. 

"Scully?"

"Hmm?"

"Is there anything else you might be anticipating?"

She laughed softly and kissed him high on his cheek.  "Yes."

"But not tonight," he said.  

"I just - I think I'd like some time to - I don't know.  I think 
I'd like to go a little slow.  Do you understand?" she asked.

He nodded against her and smiled.  "I don't have to be happy 
about it, do I?"

Her fingers ran through his hair.  "We've already jumped in with 
both feet.  I don't think it'll hurt to wade for a while, do 
you?"

"I guess getting drunk is out then."

She smiled.  "I'll make it up to you," she said, and for the 
first time since the kiss was broken, she looked in his eyes, and 
she was right there with him.  "I'll definitely make it up to 
you."  


END