Comments: Written bleary eyed at 3 a.m. Blame the Nilla Wafers ...

Special disclaimer (written pre-"The Red and the Black"): Chris Carter belongs to himself, but he's going to be one hurtin' surfer if he doesn't do a good job with Part 2! David Duchovny is his own man, too, although he'd probably appreciate the (albeit exhaustion-induced) humor. Oh, and of course, I don't own "ET," or their theme song, or Mary Hart, but it's a parody, so I think it's legal.

Dedicated to Katwoman and The Catwoman for the *scathing* e-mails which inspired this ...

*DA DA DA DA DA DAAAA ... (da da da, da, da)*

"This is Entertainment Tonight for Tuesday, March 2, 1998. I'm Mary Hart.

"Our top story tonight is the sudden and tragic death of 'X-Files' creator and surfer dude extraordinare Chris Carter, age 41. Carter's body was found early this morning in a nondescript wooded area somewhere near Vancouver, British Columbia, in Canada, where the show is currently in production.

"According to police reports, Carter had apparently been beaten to death. Although the exact weapons used in the attack are unknown at this time, speculation has included old 'X-Files' books, pilfered pages from various scripts, preliminary movie posters, and maybe even a bootlegged video or two.

"Source say the attack on Carter may be a result of Sunday night's episode of 'The X-Files,' the wildly popular Fox Network show Carter created and produces. 

"According to one 'X-Files' fan who spoke on condition of anonymity, the attack on Carter was precipitated by 'another of those mixed-up mytharc messes thrown together just to add fuel to the movie fire.' The unidentified fan went on to say she wasn't surprised by the attack, considering most of the other fans she'd spoken to said they'd wanted to do the same thing, especially after seeing the previews for the second part of the two-part episode.

"Carter co-wrote Sunday's script with one of the show's regular writers, Frank Spotnitz. Vancouver authorities are currently holding Spotnitz in protective custody to guard against further attacks, although rumors say if Spotnitz has survived after some of his other scripts, he'll probably be okay this time, too.

"'X-Files' cast and crew members were stunned by Carter's death. Actor David Duchovny, who portrays Special Agent Fox Mulder on the show, issued the following statement:

"'I am shocked by the attack on Chris. Don't those fans know next week's second half will tie up all those loose ends? Did they really think we'd kill off Scully three months before the movie comes out? After paying Gill $4 million for it? Geez! We already had to resurrect Smoking Man for ... oops, guess I wasn't supposed to say that ... Anyway, as if we don't have enough ardent fans, now they've gone and made a martyr out of Chris. I guess this means I'll be stuck playing Mulder for the rest of my natural born days. Thanks a lot.'

"No suspects have been identified in the slaying."