***DISCLAIMER***: All "X-Files" elements and references in this story belong to Fox Broadcasting, Chris Carter, and 1013 Productions, and I am making no money from it. ARCHIVING: Link only, please! ========== Whodunit? by shannono shannono@iname.com Vignette, Humor, Mulder first person/stream of consciousness, Mulder/Scully UST, etc., etc. Rated PG-13 for language Spoilers through "Dreamland II" Summary: See title. Author's notes: Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not the only one carrying on from the final scene ... so sue me. On second thought -- don't. ;) Thanks: To Stacey (hey! I remembered!) for editing. ========== Whodunit? by shannono God, am I tired. Sheesh. You'd think after so many years of traipsing all over the country -- and occasionally the world -- running mainly on adrenalin and caffeine, I could handle a little trip to Nevada with no problem at all. A simple flight to Las Vegas, a long drive but some stimulating conversation, and another simple flight back. Sure, I haven't slept in nearly twenty-four hours, but that's not all that unusual for me. It certainly doesn't explain why I feel like I've been through the wringer and back again. <<>> Now who the hell would be ... oh. "Mulder." My standard answer. "Mulder, it's me." Of course it is. "I just wanted you to know that we slipped under Kersh's radar. Our little 'field trip' to Nevada went unnoticed." Scully, are you at the office? "Oh yeah?" "Mulder ... I'm sorry that your confidential source didn't pan out." "I guess you were right, Scully -- just another crackpot that watches too much Star Trek." Geez, I can't even get my hands to work well enough to unlock the door. "Good night." And Scully, would you stop using that husky tone of voice? "Hey, Scully. I .. know it's not your normal life, but ... thanks for coming out there with me." "You're welcome." And good night to you, too. What the ... Blue lights. Throw rugs. Lack of dust and/or clutter. Am I in the right place? Yep. Number 42. And the key did work, after all. But that doesn't explain ... *this*. Where's my coatrack? And what are all these lights doing on? For that matter, where did half of them come from? And is that *flowers* on the table? Geez. Maybe I *have* already fallen asleep. Maybe this is Scully's idea of a joke. A little payback for dragging her out on that wild goose chase. Or maybe the guys ... naw, they live in worse conditions than I do. But ... wait a minute. What the hell is my bedroom door doing open? What the ... Holy shit. I certainly *hope* this was Scully's doing. 'Cause if it was, that's about as clear an invitation as you can get. A bed. A *waterbed*. Damn, I certainly hope it's not enough to make me seasick, because it certainly looks like fun. Mmmmm ... Jesus! *Mirrors*?? On the ceiling??? No fucking WAY! Shit. No way Scully would do that. Unless, of course, she did it on purpose, just because I'd never believe she'd do it. If this is her idea of a practical joke, then she's sneakier than I ever gave her credit for. Only this room looks like it's been *used*. Uncorked champagne. A pair of flutes. Mussed sheets ... Mussed sheets?? Yikes! No, they're still clean. Thank God. Would hate to find myself wallowing in someone else's bodily fluids. Well, at least if I didn't know whose they were. Wait -- just whose bodily fluids would that have been? Okay. If Scully *did* arrange this as some kind of joke, she couldn't have done the deed herself. She was with me the whole time. We didn't even get motel rooms -- just fly in, drive, and fly back. She was right there with me every second, except for a couple of pit stops on the road. So who could she have gotten to do it? A decorating service of some kind would make the most sense. If she had everything already planned, they could probably be in and out in less than a day. But that doesn't explain the romantic remnants they left behind. Unless ... that was part of the plan? Maybe Scully expected to be back sooner. Maybe the champagne was planned, too. Maybe we were running late, and the ... accomplices got tired of waiting and popped the cork. But if she had this planned, why isn't she here now? Was she so tired that she forgot? Or maybe she's expecting me to call and ask? Shit. Now I *REALLY* don't know what to do. If I call and wake her up, and she didn't want me to, she'll be pissed, or at least annoyed, and I'm too tired to deal with that. But if she wants me to call and I don't, she'll be pissed, too. Of course, if I don't call and she gets pissed, at least I'll be well-rested when I have to face her. Wait a minute. How stupid. She can't be asleep. She just called me from the office. Maybe ... maybe she thought I'd already be in the apartment? Okay. Okay, so I'll muster up some nerve and call. If her cell's off, I'll wait until tomorrow to deal with it. <<>> <<>> "Mulder, if you're calling to try to drag me off on another wild goose chase ..." Shit. "No, no, Scully, nothing like that. I just ... well, I'm at home, and ... well ..." " Mulder, I'm tired and sleepy and not really up for this. What is going on with you?" "Well, it's my apartment." "Yeeesss?" "It's ... clean." "..." "Scully?" "Sorry, Mulder, you stunned me into silence. Did you say your apartment is *clean*?" "Yeah, I did." "Did hell freeze over?" "You know, Scully, for someone as tired as you claim to be, you're sure a bundle of joy, there." "Gee, thanks, Mulder. Now, what, exactly, do you mean when you say your apartment is clean?" "Well ... there's no dust, for one thing. No paperwork on the coffee table. In fact, there's flowers and candles on the coffee table. And the dining room table, too. There's some blue lamps I've never seen before ... and then there's the bedroom ..." "*Bedroom*, Mulder? You mean you actually *have* a bedroom?" "Ha ha, Scully. Yes, I have a bedroom. I just don't use it as such. But *someone* apparently thinks I should ..." "..." "Scully?" "Uh, Mulder, you're not trying to imply that ... that *I* know anything about this?" "Well ... uh ... well, Scully, you're the one with my spare key." "Mulder." "Yeah?" "When, pray tell, would I have had the opportunity to clean up your apartment? In case you haven't noticed, I've spent the last twenty-four hours on a wild goose chase to Nevada. With you." "I know that, Scully. I didn't think you actually did it yourself. But I thought you might have gotten someone else to do it." "God, please tell me I'm not having this conversation ..." "Look, Scully, if this is your idea of a practical joke, then okay, you got me. I'll even recreate all the faces I made when I saw the place if it'll add to your entertainment." "What, Mulder, the panic face?" "Well, that one only came up when I was lying on the edge of the bed and realized the sheets were mussed, and thought about what might be on them ..." "Ugh. Nice image, Mulder." "Yeah, and it took me all of a third of a second to get vertical. Luckily, they're clean. Ugly, but clean." "Ugly?" "Yeah. It's this cheap polyester black satin, trimmed with leopard print, if you can believe that. On a waterbed, of all things. I don't even know if I could stand to sleep on it. I'm afraid I'd get nauseated every time I tried to turn over." "A waterbed." "Yeah, one of those big four-poster jobs. Oh, and I haven't even told you the best part yet." "Yeeesss?" "Mirrors." "Mirrors?" "On the ceiling." "... Mirrors on the ceiling? As in, over the bed?" "Yeah." "And you thought *I* did this??" "Well, I thought it was a joke, Scully. I certainly don't think you'd pick any of this stuff out if you were being serious about it." "Thank God. How tasteless can you get?" "Well, other than the leopard print -- and, well, the mirrors -- it's actually not that bad. You'll have to come by tomorrow and take a look." "Mulder?" "Yes?" "Did you just invite me to come see your *bedroom*?" "Uh ... well ... I ... guess I did ... but I ... didn't really mean it that way ..." "Mulder?" "Yeah?" "Get some sleep. Maybe in the morning, this whole conversation will have been a dream." "Scully ..." "Good night, Mulder. Sleep tight. Don't let the leopardskin bite." "Ha ha." I wonder if Scully likes champagne? ==========END==========