***DISCLAIMER***: All "X-Files" elements and references
in this story belong to Fox Broadcasting, Chris Carter,
and 1013 Productions, and I am making no money from it.
"Sinking" belongs to Jars of Clay.

Archiving: Link only, please!

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Trilogy II: Sinking
by shannono
shannono@iname.com


Vignette, Angst, Mulder/Scully Romance

Rated PG

Spoilers through "Chinga"

Summary: In her last days at the bureau -- and with Mulder --
Scully tries to decide if she's doing the right thing. Part
two of three.

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Trilogy II: Sinking
by shannono


Scully's apartment
Friday, May 22, 1998
8:37 p.m.

A single lamp illuminated the apartment as Dana Scully wandered
aimlessly, mentally cataloguing the possessions she would soon
be wrapping in paper and packing in plain brown boxes.

She was leaving.

If only she could convince herself it was right thing to do.

Oh, the deed was done, or at least the bureaucratic nonsense was
finished. She'd filled out all the paperwork, been through the
requisite meeting and questioning with A.D. Skinner, even lined
up a new job in Baltimore. She didn't really have to move from
her apartment, but she'd decided to make a clean break, and the
rooms simply held too many memories.

If only she could move out of her own head so easily.

She smiled despite herself, remembering a weekend not so long ago
when she'd told Mulder she intended to do just that -- get out of
her own head for a few days. It hadn't worked, of course. For some
reason, the craziness of the past six-years-and-some-odd-months
followed her wherever she went.

If only it would stop.

She sighed heavily and stopped her wandering. "If only, if only,"
she said aloud. "What am I doing? What *should* I be doing?"

She stared into the half-light, willing the answers to appear
in the air before her. She half expected it to happen; hell,
after everything she'd already seen, it sure wouldn't surprise
her. Of course, it never happened. The one time she wished it
would. Boy, wouldn't Mulder just *love* that.

If only he loved her.

And that, she realized, was the core of the whole problem. She
had fallen irrevocably, irreversibly, hopelessly in love with
her partner. The most irritating, intriguing, exasperating,
exhilarating man she'd ever known.

And he didn't love her back.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Scully planted one fist on her hip and
rubbed her other hand across her forehead. "Enough of that," she
told herself. "If wishes were horses ..."

She thought back to the day just over a week ago when she'd
finally cornered Mulder for a talk. She'd tried to work up to it
slowly, explaining how she loved the X-files, loved working with
him, but that she needed a change. She'd told him she didn't want
to lose him as a friend, he meant too much to her, but she just
couldn't stay at the bureau any longer.

His reaction didn't really surprise her. He'd yelled, ranted,
threatened, accused, and she took it all, as calmly as she could.
She didn't want to make it worse by striking back.

Finally, he'd stormed out of the office, and they'd barely
spoken a dozen words since. They hadn't had any real cases, and
most of the time had been spent tying up loose ends before she
left. They hadn't spoken at all outside of the office.

She missed him already, and she hadn't even left yet.

She shook her head once, hard, and strode determinedly over to
her stereo, fixed on filling the oppressive silence with *some*
kind of noise. Anything to distract her.

Anything to keep her from thinking about him.

She pulled out the first three CDs her hands landed on, slapped
them into the player and set them for random play. She flung
herself down in her favorite chair and listened as the music
started, willing herself to hear the words from the speakers
and not the ones in her head.

Unfortunately, things didn't go exactly as she planned ...

>>It's not my problem anymore
You see it never really was
So you can stop caring as you call it
And I'll be fine right here

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you, I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing

You can't hear what I'm not saying
And I can hold out long enough
Treading water I keep from sinking
I'm not one for reaching

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you, I don't think I need you

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing

Deny myself
Deny my heart
Deny your help
Deny your help
And you offer me eternity
But why should I buy that?

But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing ...<<

By this time, Scully was leaning forward in her chair, her eyes
intent on the speakers. Realization had dawned.

How could she expect a grand declaration of love from him, when
she'd never really tried to give him a hint of her own feelings?

She thought back through the past six years and could recall only
a handful of times when she'd done more than return one of his
playful barbs, or when she'd offered him real comfort. Sure, she'd
made a few overtures here and there, but he'd done the same, and
she'd never responded.

Could she really leave without giving him -- without giving *them*
a chance?

Suddenly she sprang to her feet. No, she couldn't do it. She'd
been so intent on tying up the loose ends professionally, she'd
completely ignored the most important thing.

She needed to *know*. And she needed *him* to know.

She only paused long enough to run a brush through her hair and
grab her purse before she was out the door.

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