***DISCLAIMER***: All "X-Files" elements and references
in this story belong to Fox Broadcasting, Chris Carter,
and 1013 Productions, and I am making no money from it.

ARCHIVING: Link only, please!

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Outsider
by shannono
shannono@iname.com


Vignette, Angst

Rated G

Spoilers for Emily

Summary: Mulder's thoughts (and fears) in the hospital chapel.

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Outsider
by shannono


She has shut me out. I can almost see the walls forming around her.

It's happening right in front of me, and I don't know what to do about it.

She steps toward the small coffin, and I turn away, uncertain if I am
afraid of what she might see or if I just cannot bear to watch her say
goodbye.

She should not have to do this.

I close my eyes against the tears. She is the skeptic, the scientist,
always analyzing, asking questions. Yet she accepted the miracle of
her daughter with open mind, arms, and heart, pushing aside the *how*
and *why* to focus instead on the *who* of Emily.

And she fought for her child, fought against the very nature that
threatened to destroy her.

But she has lost. And she is lost.

I have seen more, so much more than I have told her. She is a mother
again and again, her babies grown from her lost ova for some purpose
yet unknown. I have even seen another of her children, a tiny fetus
serving as no more than a lab rat for these people.

She knows now why she cannot have the children she wants so
desperately, and my guilt has deepened. She was taken because of
me, given cancer because of me. And now she has lost her daughter,
because of me.

The pain in my chest is unrelenting as my heart breaks.

She will not let me in again.

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