Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine, etc, etc . . . Category: VA Classification: Mulder/Scully UST Rating: PG Archive: Gossamer. Others ask me. Spoilers: Through 5th season, including the Movie. This takes place a little before 6th season started. Feedback: The more the better. Summary: Scully engages in an unusual conversation with someone all too familiar. Author's Note: Carl Jung describes the Shadow as an unconscious part of the personality containing characteristics and weaknesses which one's self-esteem will not permit one to recognize as one's own. It is generally the first layer of unconscious to be encountered in psychological analysis and is personified in dreams by dark and dubious figures. Let's see what Scully's Shadow says about her, shall we . . . Special Mention: I would be remiss if I didn't give a nod to MD1016. I know we've all read "Cheapened Things" and it's a great story, but "Broken" is a wonderful analysis of Scully's character . This story is partially inspired by MD's brilliant look into Scully's psyche. "Shadow Self" (1/1) by Lisa (haven599@msn.com) The sound of distant laughter echoed in Scully's ears. It sounded much like her own. Groggy and a bit disoriented from sleep, she opened her eyes "Who's there?" she asked. There was no response. "Who's there?" she repeated. "What are you laughing at?" "You, Dana." The voice stated. "Who are you? How did you get in?" Scully grabbed her gun from the night table drawer. "Oh, honey that won't work." "What are you taking about?" Scully was becoming more afraid. "I'm not going to harm you." the voice explained. "I couldn't even if I wanted to, at least not physically, anyway." Scully turned on the lamp. She blinked a few times before her eyes adjusted themselves to the light. Then she saw her. Standing in the corner of the bedroom was a woman dressed all in black and wearing what looked like a Fedora. Her head was bowed down, so Scully couldn't get a good enough look. She lifted her head and Scully couldn't believe it - she looked exactly like her! The make-up was much heavier and she had a cigarette in her hand. Fumbling in her pocket for a lighter, she lit the thin cigarette and blew out a stream of smoke. "Hello, Dana." Scully stared at her dumbfounded. "But . . . how can you . . . you look just like me." "Well, of course I do. I am you, sweetheart." she said. "I don't understand. That can't be." Scully stated. "Sit down, Dana. Let that scientific mind of yours take the night off." she snapped. Scully sat back on the bed, trying to figure out what was happening. The woman started pacing back and forth in the bedroom, looking agitated. "Hey, it's not like I want to be here, but it is *our* life, even if you screwed it up." "What are you talking about?" Scully asked. "I didn't screw anything up." "Like our career?" she countered. "Working for the FBI isn't exactly screwing up." Scully told her. "Why didn't we just settle for being a doctor? The FBI - it seemed like a could idea at the time, I guess." she frowned. "I *am* a doctor. I like working for the Bureau." Scully said. This was crazy. She didn't have to justify anything to anyone. "Ok, so chasing aliens and other unexplained crap is what a doctor is supposed to do?" she asked. "Well . . ." "I don't believe Dad ever knew what we *really* did. I don't think he knew that our job is to uncover aliens and other conspiracies the government supposedly keeps hidden." The sarcasm was evident in her voice. "That's not fair." Scully said. "That's our life. That's the truth." She dropped the cigarette in the glass on the night table. "Look, you . . . What am I supposed to call you?" "Hmm . . . I never thought about a name. Didn't need one." she told Scully. "How about Starbuck?" she smirked. "Fine." Scully said, not enjoying her humor in the least. "I like working on the X-Files." "Like we have a choice." muttered Starbuck. "I guess it isn't all our fault. It's *his* fault." "Who? Mulder?" "Yeah, good old Spooky himself." Starbuck said. "He's the one that has to prove to everyone there is a conspiracy to cover the truth. We're dragged into it, unfortunately." "Wait, you make it sound like I don't have a will of my own. I'm his partner. We work together." Scully countered. "Yeah, that's all. Just work." she remarked. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "I know it's been awhile, but he's pretty hot, Dana. Put on something sexy and low cut and go over to his place. He'd do anything for us. At least we could be having some *real* fun with that gorgeous partner." "I'm not using my sexuality to . . ." "What sexuality? We're not exactly supermodel quality, but Mulder does care about us very much. So, why not?" "I like our relationship the way it is, besides, that would change everything." Scully commented. "Anyway, I don't think he wants me." "Of course he does. He tried, but the bee stung us and well, you know." she sighed. "We're not happy, Dana. We need something . . . we need a change." "Sex? That's not the answer. It's not like I haven't thought about it, but . . ." "Fantasies won't keep us warm at night, y'know." "I know." Scully murmured. "I'm a part of you, Dana. You can't ignore that." "What do you want me to do - quit the FBI, become a doctor and Mulder's lover? That's not going to happen." Scully said. "Why don't you just admit it." "What?" "This isn't the way our life was supposed to turn out." Starbuck told her. "I'm fine. Don't worry, Ok?" Scully wished she'd go away and leave her alone. "Yeah, now, but the cancer could have killed us. It was a close call." "I know." Scully stated. Starbuck came closer to her, whispering: "We could have had a normal life if not for the FBI." Scully looked up at her. She was pushing for a confrontation. Trying to get a reaction out of her. "Maybe. Maybe not." That didn't satisfy Starbuck. "Well, we wouldn't have been abducted, given cancer, and unable to have children." "No, probably not." Scully said. "I guess I wasn't meant to have a normal life." "That's a cop-out statement." Scully sighed. "I'm tired. I want to go back to bed." "We should have a normal life - a husband, children, a fulfilling career!" she exclaimed. "Well, we don't. You need to accept that!" "No, you need to!" Starbuck cried. "Stop denying your feelings." "I'm not . . ." Scully paused. "Fine, I wish I could have a child. A husband. That doesn't fit into my lifestyle, my career. I love my work. It comes first in my life. Are you happy now?!" "Only if you are." Scully took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. "I don't know if I've ever been truly happy. Maybe when I was a child. I've worked so hard to be a doctor and then had the opportunity to work for the FBI. I guess I lost sight of myself and what I wanted." she said. "I needed the approval of people -authority figures in my life, but I want more than that now." Starbuck nodded in agreement towards the strong woman seated on the bed. "I have lost a lot. I didn't realize it until I knew the X-Files had become my life, too. I feel like I'm going to lose more before our journey is over." Scully sobbed. "But . . . I can't leave him. I need him. He needs me. We have to find the truth together." "We're going to end up like him one day - disillusioned and frustrated." Starbuck said softly. "It's inevitable." "No, I'm not." Scully cried. "Yes, sweetheart. It's our fate." Starbuck disappeared from the bedroom. ***** Scully awakened and looked around the room. It was light. Morning. No one was here. It was just a dream. A real vivid one, nonetheless. Scully remembered the last thing she and "herself" were discussing. That won't happen. It won't. It can't. END (1/1)