Disclaimer: Yeah, right like these characters are mine.

Category: VRA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through the movie.
Archive: Gossamer. Others ask me.
Feedback: Knock yourself out.
Summary: Priorities are made known.
Thanks to Shannon for editing.

"Quality of Life" (1/1)
by Lisa
(haven599@msn.com)

    When I look into the future, I see him as an old man still
searching for the truth.
    A pathetic figure, actually.  A lonely man with no relatives
or friends.  A loner who spends his time trying to figure out the
answers he couldn't find in his youth.
    Mulder won't see himself that way, though.  Others will. And
continue to dismiss him, now as a senile old man who lives in his
own little world.
    He'll see himself as an advocate for the truth. Looking to punish
the guilty for crimes long past.  Crimes that no one knows or really
cares about.
    He claims it's all about finding his sister.  But I believe
it's more than that.  He wants to expose the lies. The injustices
that have been inflicted upon innocent people.
    I understand that, even sympathize with it.  But to what cost to
his own life? How many more times will he put himself at risk?
    Doesn't there come a time when you stop playing? A time when
the stakes are just too high?
    It's all about quality of life.

****
     "Mulder, where do you see yourself in ten years?" I ask.
Strangely enough, he has asked me back to his apartment for cake.
I didn't ask where he got the cake, just accepted his offer.  I
needed a time to approach this subject with him and now since
we're alone, I won't let the opportunity pass me by.
    "I don't know."  he says. "Working on the X-Files, I hope."
    "You hope?"
    "Unless they close them down again."
    "You plan on working on the X-Files for the rest of your life?"
I pretty much know the answer; just want him to confirm it.
    "Yeah, I guess. Why?"
    "I was just thinking about the future." I tell him before
finishing my last bit of cake.
    "You have everything all planned out, Scully?"
    "No, Mulder I don't.  I just don't see myself -"
    "Are you quitting, Scully?  Is this your way of telling me that
you want something else now -"   He jumps up from the chair
and storms into the other room.
    "No, just listen to me for a minute."
    He stands in the shadows for a moment, then slowly turns to
face me.  "What?"
    "I don't know how much longer I can watch you do this to
yourself."  I tell him.  "Chase after the truth, feeling you alone
can take on the world and solve all its problems."
    "I'm not trying to do that, Scully.  I want to find my sister.
I *need* to know what happened to her.  Why all those experiments
were . . . are being done on innocent women. The truth needs to
be told."
    "And you're just the one to tell it, right?  What about your
own safety?"
    "I'll be fine,"  he tells me. "They've had plenty of chances to
kill me."
    "Who's to say they won't still do it?"  I don't think he has any
idea how much at risk he is.
    "Scully, if you don't feel safe I'll understand if you want to
leave.  It would probably be better for you anyway."
    Is he trying to push me away?  I try to hold back my tears of
disappointment. "Dammit, Mulder, I'm not talking about me.
I don't know how much longer I can watch you put yourself in
danger.  I love you too much,"  I cry.
    Oh God, did I just say that out loud? In a way I'm relieved
that I put my feelings into words.  Words that he could hear.
The truth is long overdue.
    "Scully . . ."
    His voice is softer now, more apologetic in its tone.  But I'm
scared as to what he's going to tell me. Yes, Dana Scully is actually
fearful.
    Without another word, I hurry out of the apartment, despite his
pleas for my return.

****

    I didn't expect to cry during the way home.  I left the radio
off, which only amplified my tears.
    I headed right to my bedroom, trading my work clothes for a pair
of comfortable pajamas before heading into the bathroom to wash
off the streaks of mascara that ran down my cheeks.
    I didn't cry this much after Emily died.  That was so hard for me,
but nothing like the way I feel now.  The horrible feeling that
Mulder and I will eventually be on separate paths. Disconnected
from each other.
    My apartment is dark now, except for a small table lamp trying
to illuminate the living room, failing in its daunting task.
    Wasn't that my mission?  Provide a light to his darkness. Well,
I'm not doing much better, either.
    I settle onto the sofa with a cup of hot tea, and my mind wanders
back over the many times that Mulder has almost lost his life doing
battle with the other side.  A part of me lost my innocent outlook
on life each time I feared he was gone.
    A soft knock on the door startles me.  "Scully, it's me. Please
let me come in."
    I don't even hesitate before walking over and opening the door
to him, uncaring that I'm in my pajamas or that I was crying again
just a few minutes ago.
    Mulder notices this right away.  "You've been crying."
    "I'm fine.  Why are you here?"  I know my voice sounds harsh,
but I am still reeling from the earlier events of the evening.
    "To finish our conversation.  To explain myself." he states.
    "Go ahead."  I sit back down on the couch.  He is still in the
same spot, leaning against the closed door.
    "When you first came into my life seven years ago, I wasn't
looking or ready to accept a partner.  No one wanted to be with me
and I liked it that way.  I worked better alone, anyway.  I don't
trust people easily and it was hard to open myself up and trust
you, especially thinking I was being spied upon."
    I watch him take off his jacket, placing it over a nearby chair.
He still hasn't changed from work, but his shirtsleeves are rolled
up.  He looks tired, I realize.
    "The more time we spent together, the more I realized you wanted
the same thing I did.  The truth. I just felt it couldn't be found
out your way,"  he tells me.  "I wasn't open to another person's
way of thinking.  But I understood you.  Then when you were abducted
and later found out you had cancer, I blamed myself for exposing
you to my world and its risk and danger."
    "Mulder -"  I rise from my place on the couch.
    "Wait, let me finish."  he replies.  He looks as if he's unsure
how to say his next words.
    "You had earned my trust and my respect.  But I didn't expect
to love you so much."
    Mulder comes closer to me, sinking his hands into my hair. His
lips press against mine softly, then gently covers my mouth.
    I'm not prepared for what happens next. Mulder's lips moved
over my face urgently. These kisses are much more intense, almost
possessive in their nature.
    This was what he had been bottling up all these years.  The
release had to come sooner or later.
    I can barely breathe.  His last few words " . . . love you
so much" echoed in my ears continuously.
    When the wonderful kisses come to an end, he buries his face
against my throat, holding me tightly to him.
    Neither of us says anything for awhile, just enjoying the
closeness and warmth of each other's bodies.
    I don't want him to leave me tonight. "I was about to go to
bed before you came over."
    "Sorry. I knew it was late, but -"
    "I'd like you to join me.  I want to sleep next to you tonight.
Please don't leave . . ."  I stop, the emotions overwhelming me again.
    He takes my hands in his, kissing them before following me into
the bedroom.
    "Scully," he says softly. "You don't have an extra toothbrush I
could borrow?"
    I smile at him, grateful for the tension relief and his unique
humor.
    "I'll only be a few minutes."  He kisses me softly before
disappearing into the bathroom.
    I crawl into the bed, happy and anxious at the same time.  The
emotional walls we built up are slowly crumbling, starting tonight.
    Mulder opens the door wearing only his undershirt and boxer
shorts. He dumps his remaining clothes on my chair.
    I watch him climb into my bed, sliding his body behind me,
so I am sitting between his legs, my body resting against his chest.
His arms come around me.
    "You asked me a question tonight and I think I misled you."
he whispers against my hair.
   I did? It seems I can only remember the last ten minutes of this
day.  "In what way?"
    "The X-Files are very important to me.  They were the most
important thing in my life.  That is before you came into it."
    I turn in his arms.  "Remember when we both felt that if we
quit now they win?  Are we really going to win? Look at the toll
it's taken on us so far.  What's going to happen in another year?
Five? Ten?"
    "I don't know."  he says softly.  "I'm so afraid something else
will happen to you." He reaches out, stroking my hair.
    "I feel the same about you." I say.  "I don't want it to come
to that point.  I'd like to enjoy my life a little.  I'd enjoy it much
more with you."
    "Just walk away from it all?" Mulder asks me.
    "Perhaps."  I tell him.  "Whatever we do, I want it to be
together.  We don't have to decide tonight."
    He reaches over and turns off the light.  I feel him wrapping
his arms around me once again.
    "I'm not afraid of the future anymore." he whispers to me right
before I close my eyes.

****
END (1/1)