Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aren't mine. If they were, there'd be more romance in their lives. Category: SRA Classification: MSR Rating: *NC-17* Archive: Gossamer. Others ask me. Spoilers: Redux II and beyond. Timeline for this piece is mid to late 6th season. Author's Note: If you can't remember the last time you wrote an NC-17 story, then it's time for another one, right? Feedback: I know some of y'all are going to read it because of the rating, so let me know if you got your smut fix for the day. ;-) Summary: Choices and consequences. "Misguided Desire" by Lisa (haven599@msn.com) Mulder's Office 8:37 a.m. "So, today's the day, Mulder." Scully said. She saw the smile on his face, how happy he looked. "Yes. Tonight I'm going to see my sister. I can't believe it's finally happening, Scully." he said excitedly. It had been a long month for Mulder. Samantha called and said she wanted to see him. She had so much to tell him. He told Scully she sounded happy and wanted to pick up where they left off all those years ago. Scully had never seen him this happy. "What are you going to say to her?" Scully asked. "I don't know. I guess I'll let her talk about whatever she wants to. It really doesn't matter. I just want to see her again. Our meeting in the diner months ago was cut short." he explained. "Well, this time it will be different." she told him. It would be. Mulder knew it. Scully's Apartment 6:30 p.m. Scully was just about to dig into some Chinese food she picked up after work. They decided to quit a little early tonight and leave the rest of the paperwork for later. She kissed him good night, wishing him all the best with his sister. That reminded Scully of a time when they were not as close, physically at least. Things changed after Antarctica and after the X-Files were reopened. When they heard from Skinner that the Justice Department decided to give the go ahead for the X-Files again, Mulder wanted to celebrate. So, they went out to dinner that night. It turned out to be a nice evening that ended much too soon. When they got back to her apartment, Scully sensed he didn't want to leave just yet. What she didn't expect was for Mulder to kiss her. Didn't expect the feelings it awakened in her. The kiss had so much passion in it and left her wanting more, but it wasn't to be. Mulder said good night and left. Scully never found the right moment to bring it up again. The kisses they shared after that were quick kisses and were much less passionate than that first one. Scully began to think about them becoming lovers. She knew how passionate he was about finding the truth and wondered if he would be that way in bed, too. It was just a fantasy of hers. She got lonely sometimes, wishing for someone to be there when she came home. Someone to curl up in bed with. Someone to make love to her at night. Scully went back to concentrating on her sweet and sour chicken before it became cold. Twenty minutes later, relaxing in a hot bath her mind began to wander . . . 11:07 p.m. A loud knock on the door jarred Scully awake. She fell asleep on the couch. The TV was still on and the weatherman was giving the 5-day forecast. Switching the TV off, she rushed over to answer her door. It was Mulder. He looked upset. "Mulder?" "I've been driving and somehow I ended up here. I don't know where else to go." he told his partner. "What happened? Did something go wrong with Samantha's visit?" Mulder sat down on the couch. "I guess you could say that." "Well?" she asked. "Samantha never came. I got a phone call an hour before she was supposed to be here. He said she couldn't make it. She couldn't see me." "Who's he?" Scully felt frustrated having to pull every little bit of information out of him. "Smoking Man." Scully knew that Mulder wondered if he was Samantha's father. She understood why that angered him. She sat down beside him, touching his arm lightly. "He told me that her son was sick. She wasn't going to leave him." Mulder's voice changed, became more reflective. "I didn't know she had a child, a family." "What's wrong with her son?" Scully asked. "Is it serious?" "I don't know. I never talked with her. That son-of-a-bitch wouldn't let me talk to my own sister." Scully saw he was becoming agitated, upset. "I asked for a number. If I could call her back. He told me no. No explanation. No reason." Mulder said. "Dammit, I should have known something would happen. It was all too good to be true. I'll never see her now . . ." "I'm sorry, Mulder." Scully said quietly. "Who the hell is he to control my life? My sister's life? He's probably filled her head with lies about me. Turned her against me." He ran his hands through his hair, exasperated. "She's a grown woman, Mulder. She can make up her own mind." "Not when she only knows his version of the truth." "You're her brother. She cares about you." Scully offered. "Hell, maybe it's better this way. Something could happen. She could get hurt." "How would she get hurt, Mulder?" Scully asked. "Look what's happened to you since we've been together." he stated. How could Scully ignore all the terrible things that happened to her over the years? Why didn't she blame him? "Mulder, don't -" "No, it's true, Scully. It's true . .. " Scully gathered him into her arms. She felt him trembling and softly crying. She pressed her lips into his hair. "I just wanted to see my sister." he mumbled. Scully hated to see him this hurt. When would it end? When would that man stop leading Mulder on? Stop the half-truths and false promises. What could she say to him? She was just as mad at them for controlling his life. "Maybe she didn't want to see me, Scully. It's been so long - she might not even care anymore." "That's not true. She's your sister, of course she cares." Scully squeezed his hand. Mulder realized he had been going on about his sister and hers was dead. That was his fault, too. "I have no control over my life and the people in it. They do. They have taken away the people I care about - my sister. You." Scully saw the sadness and hurt reflected in his eyes. "It's just a matter of time before they take you away from me again. Maybe the next time it will be . . . forever." Mulder was quiet now. He looked away from her, not expecting to reveal that much. Scully touched his face, forcing him to look at her. Mulder noticed how upset she looked. He thought he saw tears pooling in her eyes. He surprised himself by kissing her. Scully felt the same passion in this kiss as the one months before. She returned his kiss with an equal enthusiasm. "Scully . . ." Her name came out as a whisper. She pressed her lips to his forehead in response. "Don't make me go home to an empty apartment. I want to be with you." Mulder covered her face with soft kisses. "I'm tired of being alone." "You're not alone." she breathed. "I won't let you be." His mouth moved down to her collarbone. She moaned softly. "Mulder . . ." Her hands found their way into his hair just before he raised up to meet her eyes. "Let me love you before it's too late. Too late for us." he offered. "Yes." she whispered. ***** Scully opened her eyes. The first thing she noticed was the clock. It was morning. Unable to find anything nearby to wear, she walked nude into the bathroom. Clad in her terrycloth robe now, she sat down next to her still sleeping partner. This really *did* happen. She wanted to comfort him . . . well, more than comfort happened last night. Much more. Mulder stirred and opened his eyes, seeing Scully looking down at him. He kissed her gently on the forehead. Scully absently played with the tie on her bathrobe. "I know what you're thinking, Scully." he said. "Mulder -" "You're analyzing this. Wondering if . . ." "We're going to be late for work." she said quickly, changing the subject to something less threatening. Mulder got out of bed grabbing his scattered clothing off the floor. Scully went into the bathroom and shut the door. Standing under the hot spray of the shower, she noticed the red marks on her body. The evidence of their lovemaking. Now it seemed very real. ***** Scully rushed through her morning routine to get to the office first. Mulder would want to finish that conversation they started on the bed. She wasn't analyzing it. Questioning it, maybe. She had a right to her feelings. Last night felt hazy; reality and fantasy melded into one. The fantasy she desired came true, but just maybe her desire was misguided. Mulder walked in and saw Scully sitting at his desk pretending to read a file. He leaned on the side of the desk next to her. "Talk to me." Scully didn't take her eyes off the paper. "This isn't the time or the place." Mulder shut the door and set the lock. "Tell me you don't regret what we did." She looked up at him. "No . . . I don't know, Mulder." "Scully, I don't want you to feel guilty." "I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. We've known each other six years and now we all of a sudden end up in bed together." She stood up and moved out from behind the desk. "So, you're saying we should have done this years ago." "No, that's not what I meant." she corrected. "Why now? What made last night the right day?" "I don't know, Scully." Mulder was serious. "That's a great answer, Mulder. Really great. This is going to change everything." She was worried about their professional relationship. How would it effect them working together? "Nothing's changed, Scully. We're still the same people." he said. "But we were partners yesterday and now we're -" "Say it." he challenged. "Lovers." she said softly. "What's so wrong with that?" he asked. "Our professional and personal lives are now entwined." "Haven't they been like that for awhile now?" he countered. She looked down at the floor as if the answer was there. "Yes." she muttered. "This is new to both of us." Mulder said, coming closer to her and taking her hands in his. "It will take some time." Scully moved into his arms. Maybe he was right. It was a change for them. Being that close and letting each other in. She wanted to try. Scully kissed him before heading back to the desk. Mulder's arms came around her before she reached her destination. "How many times was it, Scully? Three or four? I lost track." he whispered into her hair. His voice sounded dark, husky. It was four times. She remembered. "I knew it would be like that - that intense between us. Everything else in our life has been." Mulder planted a quick kiss on her neck before letting her go. They spent the next week together. Every night. Scully would come home from work and Mulder usually arrived a little later. Sometimes, she made dinner. Sometimes not. One night, Mulder surprised her by being at her door before she arrived. He said he couldn't wait. She barely had enough time to get inside the door before he was all over her. Mulder undressed her in the bedroom as she did the same for him. She was barely on the bed when he cupped her breasts, her nipples hardening instantly. Taking one in his mouth hungrily, he felt Scully's hands in his hair pressing herself closer to his mouth. Mulder's other hand traveled between her legs opening her to his touch. Mulder eased two fingers inside her. Scully shifted beneath him. He began to move his fingers inside her slowly making her moan. She arched her hips against his hand and he pushed his fingers deeper into her wetness. Scully moaned and writhed under him as his fingers stroked her until it was too much, exploding in a downpour of fiery sensations. She breathed his name through half-closed eyes as he guided himself between her legs. The release came quickly for both of them. Scully cried out, sobbing his name as her hands clenched the muscles of his shoulders. With one last thrust, Mulder groaned with pleasure against her neck. ***** The nights were wonderful. They made love every night. Sometimes twice. Scully would curl up in his arms afterwards. The one downside was that they both had to get up extra early as to arrive at work separately. No one suspected anything out of the ordinary. Scully and Mulder were able to keep their personal lives separate from their professional one. Now, out of town on a case and at the end of a long, tiring day, Scully was looking forward to doing nothing. After a hot shower, Mulder was at the door with dinner, or so it looked. "Great, I'm starving." Scully dug into the brown paper bag coming up with some french fries. She started devouring them. Mulder sat down on the bed with her. They were both hungry and hardly talked during the meal. He realized he never remembered seeing her with her hair wet. Since it was drying, it was a lighter color on top contrasted with the still damp auburn framing her face. She looked beautiful. "Mulder?" "What?" "Is there something wrong?" Scully asked. "No. Nothing." He crushed up the hamburger wrapper and stuffed it back in the bag. She had caught him looking at her. "Are you done?" "Yes." Mulder cleaned up the remnants of their dinner before coming back to the bed. "I'm going to go put some clothes on." Scully said, climbing off the mattress. "Don't." His one-word plea caught her off guard. He came closer to her, brushing a strand of damp hair off her cheek. Scully breathed his name softly, sinking back down into the bed. He kissed her before untying her robe and touching her soft skin that was still a little moist from the shower. "Lie back." Mulder's mouth made its way down her body slowly. He eased her legs apart and used his mouth and fingers until she experienced a melting orgasm. Scully whimpered his name which seemed to echo through the small room. She helped him out of his clothes and they made love. It was the first time in a hotel room. ***** Mulder couldn't remember being this content with his life. He was with Scully all day and all night now. Their relationship only changed if they would let it. Mulder liked being this close to her. He still wasn't able to call her Dana, despite the new intimacy they shared. She would always be Scully to him even though he was her lover now. Making love to her was wonderful. Her skin. How her body felt beneath his hands. The way she moaned his name when she climaxed. It wasn't just the physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy as well. Scully shared personal things with him. Emily. How much she wanted to adopt her, give her a real home. How it was her last chance to be a mother. And to think she wasn't sure this would work. Sometimes, Scully analyzed everything too damn much. Apparently, being a scientist covered every part of her life, but occasionally she needed to stop and just feel. Let her emotions decide for her. Scully couldn't deny that she enjoyed their new relationship. She was with Mulder all the time. The nights were amazing. Their lovemaking was amazing. She couldn't wait for evening to come, for their work to be over for the day. They both were very professional during the day. But at night it was the reverse. They never talked about work, if they talked at all. Scully didn't bother with pajamas any more, or if she did, it was just the top half. She loved the feel of Mulder's hands sliding up and down her skin. He was very attentive to her needs. The fantasy didn't hold a candle to the reality of him as her lover. She was never unsatisfied. Their conversations were about the past. Childhood past - family, friends, school. Scully shared more about her childhood and how it was like to grow up in a military family. Stories about her sister and brothers, medical school. Mulder told her more about Samantha before she was taken. How happy she was. How happy they both were together. He spoke with a deep sadness that even she couldn't penetrate. Scully held him close to her when it became too much for him. When the hurt overwhelmed him. Those were all the wonderful things about their new relationship. Sharing. Talking. Mulder opening up to her. However, she was preoccupied with him and their new relationship. Could they be together tonight? Would a late night phone call alighting new evidence interrupt their tryst? Sometimes, she was more interested in being with Mulder alone than going out on another case. The work was taking a back seat to *them.* In the back of her mind, she worried they would get caught, but that made it more exciting. Well, sort of. The consequences scared her, but not enough to tell Mulder her fears. ***** "You can go in now, Agent Scully." Skinner's secretary placed the phone back on its cradle. Scully walked over to her supervisor's desk. "Did you write this report. Scully?" he asked. "Yes, sir." "Did you read it over?" "What? Yes, I did." she told him. "Well, I think you need to look it over again." He handed the report back to her. "All right. Yes, I will." She replied, thumbing through the first few pages. "Frankly, I expected better work from you, Scully." Skinner gave her a disapproving look. She tried to hide her embarrassment as she left the office. Scully re-read the report at home. She found many inconsistencies including portions left out and typographical errors. Then she remembered the circumstances surrounding this report. She typed it up as a favor to Mulder. Being the better typist, she volunteered to keep up her end of the paperwork. Mulder whispered something he had planned for later that night. Scully made it an incentive for her to hurry up and finish their report. Excited to be with Mulder, she rushed through her work. That wasn't the only incident. A couple of weeks ago, in a small town in Ohio, the county coroner found an oversight in the autopsy she performed. Scully was about ready to defend her work, however he was correct. She was the one in error. There was no excuse for missing an important detail like that. Their affair was interfering with her work. Yes, it was an *affair.* What else could it be called? Scully knew from previous experience that affairs came to an end sooner or later. Well, she was going to be the one to end it. Right away. Her work was too important in her life. She was sorry if it would hurt him. But, they worked together and that would have to do. She would still be with him every day. That was some consolation. They'd just go back to being partners. No problem. She could do that. She had no choice. This was the practical and sensible solution. To end the affair. It was her job to do it. Wasn't she the voice of reason in this relationship? The practical one. Wasn't that her role from the very beginning? ***** "You sounded serious on the phone." Mulder opened the door to Scully. "Is anything wrong?" He touched her arm lightly. Scully ignored his questions and walked right in to the apartment. Crossing her arms in front of her, she said: "This has to end." "What?" He wasn't quite sure what she meant. "This. Us. It has to stop." she stated. "Why? What's wrong? I thought everything was fine." Mulder looked puzzled. "It's affecting my work, Mulder. Distracting me." "Distracting? Well, I guess some of the things we did could be considered -" "I'm serious, Mulder!" she exclaimed. "Just like that, Scully. It's over." Mulder came closer to her. "Don't." She took a couple steps back. "Yes," she said. "Mulder, I value our working relationship too much to sacrifice it. It's either one or the other." "And you're choosing work?" he asked. Scully knew he left out the words over me. They remained unspoken. He didn't or couldn't say them out loud. "I guess I am." she replied. Mulder didn't expect this. He was about to say something to convince her. But, he could tell her mind was made up. She just decided for the both of them. Left him out of it. Alone. "We can't have it all." she said before closing the door softly behind her. ***** Mulder was trying to reconcile why Scully ended their relationship. He didn't understand why she would make a decision that quickly, without any warning. She claimed it interfered with them working together. Maybe so. But he figured there had to me more to it. It probably was his fault. Did he do something to hurt her? Something she didn't want? Scully probably was afraid someone would find out. Her job would be in jeopardy. Wasn't he good enough for her? Mulder hated to think that Scully would be that way. That judgmental. People would think less of her because she was sleeping with her partner. He knew what his reputation was and so did Scully. Was it embarrassment she was worried about? Mulder didn't know where the boundaries were anymore. They had blurred since their affair. He didn't touch her anymore - no guiding hand on the small of her back, no squeezing her hand or light touch on her shoulder. He tried to give her the space she wanted. No leaning close to her speaking in hushed tones about thoughts on a case - or just thoughts meant for her only. It wasn't just about sex. Is that what she thought? He wouldn't do that to Scully, especially not with her. All of the times they made love, he never told her how much he cared about her, how much the intimacy meant to him. He wanted the closeness with Scully, but it scared him, too. Scared him to let someone in because he was taking a risk with his emotions. A risk he wanted to take, but look how it ended. Scully betrayed him. He opened up to her and she let him down. She left him alone, shattering his hope of them being more than just good friends. Scully thought things would change once she ended the affair. It did, but for the worse. Their relationship was strained. It was the white elephant in the room neither one of them acknowledged. They didn't talk anymore unless it was about work. Mulder never came over to her apartment. They became virtual strangers. She felt as if the last 6 years disappeared and hated it. What could she do? She initiated the break up. It was what she wanted, right? Her work didn't suffer anymore, she had more than enough time to spend on her career. *Their* career. If only the memories would go away. Every time she looked at her bed everything came flooding back. The way Mulder made love to her with so much passion. More than she thought possible. Now it was gone. The nights were hard. Not one passed when she didn't think about being with him. Of course, it didn't help seeing him every day. That was her punishment. Being with him but not really being with him. Scully was back to wearing pajamas again at night. They felt confining. She just had to get used to being alone again. Well, she wasn't really lonely, just missing a part of herself, not feeling complete. She missed Mulder's warm body pressed against her own. The emotions would overwhelm her and the tears would fall onto her pillow. One more vivid memory she tried to stop was when Mulder told her he needed her as they were making love. Not just once, but several times she'd hear him murmur those sweet words to her. They touched her deeply, but she never told him how much. Now it was too late. Too late for that. ***** Mulder ran down the hall of the hospital emergency room. A nurse told him she was in one of these cubicles. "Scully? Scully?" "Mulder, I'm in here." she called to him from behind the curtain. He must have found out about the accident. She was in a car with some other agents and they were involved in little mishap. The hospital wanted to keep her overnight for observation because of the head injury, but otherwise she was fine. Mulder found her sitting on the bed with a bandage on her forehead. She was wearing a blue hospital gown. "Are you all right?" He sounded a little out of breath. "I just heard about it." "I'm fine. They just want to keep me here tonight. The doctors are being careful. It's just a bump on the head." she reassured him. Mulder touched her face, needing to see for himself that she was all right. His lips brushed across her forehead. "Mulder, I'm going to be fine." She was just starting to forget how his touch felt. She knew this was more than just comfort. His hand lingered on her cheek. "Sorry. It's just too damn hard, Scully." he said. "Not to touch you." ***** Scully couldn't work like this. At times, Mulder looked at her like he was begging for another chance. He didn't say anything to make her believe that, but she knew him too well. His actions. If Scully knew it would be more than just an affair - the start of a real relationship that would be different. She was scared of someone finding out, of them slipping up - stolen kisses in the office or in a motel room. It would only take one person, especially the wrong person, like Spender to find out and she and Mulder would be split up in an instant. If there was a hearing their whole relationship would be put on trial. Scully couldn't sit before a committee telling them all the intimate details of their affair. Those details were only for them to share. But they weren't sharing anything anymore. She was the one contemplating and wondering what might have been. There were so many unanswered questions. Those questions didn't get any easier sitting in another hotel room with Mulder. It just made her remember the times they spent together. That's why she tried to avoid being in his room if at all possible. But, they were looking over some evidence together. well, Mulder was. Scully was stretched out on the bed, trying her best to pretend this didn't bother her. Closing her eyes, she feigned sleep. Mulder looked over at her. "Scully . . ." he whispered. No answer. She must be asleep. He closed the cover of his laptop and watched her. Remembering when working with her used to be fun . . . better. There wasn't all this tension between them. All of it couldn't have been sexual. Well, maybe some of it was. But now he knew what he was missing. He didn't feel alone with her, like the world was against him. Making love with her was like some sort of validation of his work, of him. She *really* believed him. Liked him. That sounded so selfish, but that's how he felt in the beginning of the affair. Mulder just started getting used to them as lovers and well . . . He walked over to the bed to place his hand on her shoulder then remembered he wasn't allowed to touch her anymore. "Sorry, where were we?" Scully opened her eyes and sat up. "Nowhere." Mulder replied. "I can't make any sense of this." "Ok. I'm going to bed." She walked towards the door. "Wait a minute." Mulder called after her. "What?" Scully just wanted to go to sleep. "Skinner asked me if I'd want to do some undercover work." "Are you going to say yes?" she asked. "I don't know." he replied. "Do you think I should?" He was asking her opinion. Why? He'd just do what he wanted to anyway. "It's your life, Mulder." she said matter-of-factly. That wasn't the answer he'd hoped for. "You're right, Scully. It is. Sorry I bothered you with minor details." "I didn't mean it like that." "Ok, Scully. I just thought you'd wonder what happened to your partner." He emphasized the word partner. "So, you're going to accept the assignment?" "I might. See, this way your professional and personal life won't be distracting and complicated by me." Scully glared at him before slamming the door and walking next door to her room. She tried not to let that remark bother her while getting ready for bed. But it did. Scully feared things would get worse before they got better. ***** "Remind me to give you a key." Scully remarked, opening the door to her apartment for Mulder. "Do you know what time it is?" "I can't sleep." he replied. "I guess that means I won't either." It was after 2 a.m. Scully had finally drifted off to sleep only to be rudely awakened by her insomniac partner. "I'm thinking about taking that assignment." Mulder told her. "Good." she replied. "Now can I go back to bed." "You don't care one way or the other. Do you Scully?" He looked upset. "That's not true, Mulder." she offered. "Aren't you tired of this? Of us barely speaking unless it's about work. This distance between us." Mulder said angrily. He was right, neither of them could continue this strained relationship any longer. She had to give him that. "Yes, I am. I hate this as much as you do. I . . ." The words stuck in her throat. Mulder came closer to her. "Scully," he said softly. Scully stepped into his arms. Needing this more than ever. Needing him. "I wish things could go back to the way they used to be." Mulder felt hope at her words. What used to be was she referring to, he wondered. "You're the one who ended it." Scully moved out of his embrace, avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair." He apologized. "Why are you treating me this way?" Scully asked. Mulder didn't say anything for a few moments. "What, no snide remark this time, huh?" "I'm hurt that you broke this off. Did I do something wrong?" He wanted to know the real reasons. "No, Mulder. It's not you." she assured him. "Then what?" he pleaded with her. "Something didn't feel right to me. What were we doing? Where was this affair going?" She walked towards the kitchen, putting some distance between them. That word seemed sordid to him coming from her lips. "I'm sorry there weren't any rules and guidelines for you to follow, Scully. That way we'd both be on the same page." he commented. "That's not what I meant." Scully shook her head. "Mulder, I haven't had good luck with relationships, especially affairs. I've been the one who gets hurt. I . . . I was afraid you would end this first. It would be too hard to work with you then . . . too hard." She held back the tears in her eyes. "Scully, I wasn't going to do anything like that. I'm sorry you were hurt before, but that was in the past. It doesn't apply to us." he explained coming closer to her. "It's not just that. There were other things I was worried about." "Tell me." Mulder said. "Share them with me." "I was afraid someone would find out. They'd punish us. Separate us, Mulder. It would only take one time." She was right. They could be reassigned. "We were careful. No one knew." "I'm not as much of a risk taker as you are. I'm not that impulsive. We rushed into an affair. Maybe it was too much too quickly." she told him. "Maybe, but it wasn't wrong, Scully." Mulder stated. "I liked being that close to you." He reached for her hand. "I want you to know that I wasn't going to end it. I wouldn't do that to you." Scully believed him. She should've known he wouldn't intentionally hurt her. "Mulder, I want to try again." Mulder was surprised she wanted a second chance since she just confessed her fears to him. "What about the risks? The wrong people finding out -" "It feels wrong to be without you." Scully said, tears shining in her blue eyes. "Don't take this assignment. I don't want you to go -" Mulder pulled her into his arms. "I won't, Scully. I won't." he said quietly, reassuring her. Scully wrapped her arms around his waist. She was afraid he would have taken the assignment. She knew how dangerous the last one was to both of them. She couldn't risk that again, not after everything that's happened. "Is this what you really want?" Mulder asked her. He had to know if she was sure. "Yes." Scully looked up at him. "Maybe we should go slower. I think we were attempting to make up for 6 years in a few weeks. That's not possible." "I know, but we sure as hell tried." he said. It still had to be kept quiet. Scully wished she could share her happiness with someone. "What is it?" Mulder asked, as if reading her thoughts. "We still have to keep it a secret." she stated. Mulder touched her cheek. "Is that hard for you?" "I can manage, but I did want to tell someone." "Who?" "My family, especially my mother." Scully admitted. "Ok, but on one condition." Mulder said. "What?" "I can tell your brother." Scully smiled at him. "Sure." "Scully, I want you to share with me your fears. I want to know, maybe I can ease your doubts. I don't want you to think I'd hurt you. Ever." Mulder took her hands in his, pressing them to his lips. Scully was crying now. His words touched her. "I'm sorry I pushed you away. Hurt you. I was concentrating too much on the consequences and not on us." "I think it was your way of trying to protect me. Protect us." "I guess so," Scully said, needing to tell him so much more. "You mean so much to me. I don't want to waste anymore time, Mulder I want to be with you. I need to . . . Only you. Always." She wiped at the tears with the back of her hand. "Me too," Mulder said, his eyes filled with love for her. He leaned close to her. "I know . . . always, Scully, always." Scully squeezed his hand. The gesture seemed much too impersonal with the emotions she just expressed. "I love you, Scully." Before she had a chance to say anything, Mulder kissed her with such passion. Scully felt so many emotions pass through her all at once. She didn't trust herself to speak just yet even as Mulder held her. Of course she loved him. "I love you." she murmured through her tears. "I miss the closeness." Scully ran her hands over the thin cotton of his shirt. "Touching." She looked at him. In the t-shirt and jeans he didn't look like an FBI agent, more like the man she cared for so deeply and couldn't be without. Mulder lead her over to the couch, drawing her onto his lap. He wrapped an arm around her waist and the other on her back holding her snugly against his body. Scully felt the warmth of his body underneath the heavy leather jacket. She rested her head against his shoulder. Mulder feathered kisses along her temple. A mixture of comfort and closeness. The closeness she missed all these weeks and wanted so much. Now it was her turn. Scully pressed soft kisses into his neck. "I love you." she whispered again. She felt Mulder tighten his arms around her. This was as close as they could be without making love. Scully wasn't sure what she wanted more - Mulder making love to her all night or the tenderness of this moment. "Scully . . ." Mulder whispered a few minutes later. She fell asleep. He carried her, maneuvering slowly through the dimness of the hallway to her bedroom, before lying her gently on the bed. Mulder indulged himself in a good night kiss on her cheek. It was going to be all right because she loved him too. He turned to leave her apartment. "Mulder," she murmured sleepily. "Come to bed." He heard her soft voice in the darkness of the bedroom. It sounded more like a request than a suggestion. Like he belonged here and wasn't just a visitor in her bed. Scully felt him slide next to her. She snuggled close to him. Mulder gathered her gently in his arms, whispering: "We can have it all. We do." They savored the remainder of the night together. END