Disclaimer: Nope, these charaters aren't mine.

Category: VRA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Trust No 1
Archive: Gossamer. Spookys. Further X.
Summary: Scully questions her faith in the wake of Mulder's absence.
Companion piece to "Strength of the Soul."
Thanks to: Susan and Sara Lynn for beta duties.


"Faith of the Heart"
by Lisa
haven599@msn.com


"Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe, I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul.
And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star.
I've got faith, faith of the heart."
                                    --Diane Warren


   I'm not sure if my faith is strong enough to get me through this
latest separation from Mulder.

   When I thought he was dead, I was in such a fog for weeks.  I
couldn't believe he was gone and I was pregnant.   Pregnant with
his child.  Did he really want to be a father or for me to be a
mother? I prayed every night for Mulder's safe return.

   It was such a shock to find out he was still alive. A miracle.
My second one, no less.  My faith was restored and renewed. This
was our second chance.  We could be together now. A family. I tried
to tell him all this after I brought him home from the hospital,
but he wasn't ready to listen.

   My spirit sank.  I gave him time.  He didn't talk about it
too much, only referring to it as my baby.  I wanted to shout at him
and tell him it was his child, too, but I didn't think he was ready
to deal with that fact.

   The shock of Billy Miles and everyone else being there when I
delivered the baby had barely worn off when Mulder had shown up.
He had missed the delivery, but was there to welcome his son into
the world.  Everything was perfect.

   Back at my apartment, after we kissed, I was happier than I'd
been in a very long time.  No one could separate us now.
The three of us were going to be together, nobody could change
that.

   But we were wrong.  They had the upper hand in our lives yet again.
We decided it would be safer if Mulder left.  If these Super Soldiers
were after him, then we were all in danger.  Mulder was afraid
for William's safety.

   I was mad and upset.  How dare they separate us again? I didn't
want to get upset in front of Mulder, but the tears slipped out.
He instantly comforted me, reassuring me it would not be for long,
and we'd all be together again soon.

   I'm not totally disconnected from him.  He's decided it would
be okay to send email messages back and forth.  I was concerned
at first about the safety of the Internet, but now rely on his
messages to keep me going during this tumultuous time.

   When I don't find any emails from him in my inbox, I can't help
but worry that something terrible has happened. It's getting to
the point where I don't even want to turn the computer on anymore
so I won't be disappointed yet again. I haven't received anything
from him in two weeks and hope that it's just because he is unable to
get to a computer. I also know it's better that I don't know where
he is and what he's doing. Still, I wish I could at least call him.
I'd give anything to hear the reassuring sound of his voice right
now.

   Ever since the NSA man sent me on a wild chase to lure Mulder
out, I have been on guard and my faith has been deeply shaken. I
can't believe we've been watched and monitored through every step
of our relationship.  I feel so violated.  It was as if we were
part of one of those reality-based shows without our consent.

   Have Mulder and I ever shared one private moment during our
eeight year relationship?

   It makes me sick to know we were being watched that night Mulder
and I made love. I finally let my guard down with him and let myself
surrender to the moment, not knowing we had an audience.  That
night was one of the most wonderful nights of my life.  I was able
to show Mulder how much I love him.  After eight long years of
holding back, I finally gave my heart, mind and body to him . . .
although he already had the first two for a long time.

   When he comes back, we are going to have to make some serious
decisions about our future.  Are we going to stay in D.C.?  Is it
safe for William to be here?  Will we all still be in danger from this
same group of people threatening Mulder?  Should we start over again
somewhere else? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I
know if I have Mulder with me it will all be okay.

   If anybody can come back to me it will be Mulder. I have always
had faith in him. I finally understood it was all right to depend on
someone to be there for me. It took me eight years to realize this.
I hope it's not too late now.

  I have faith in us.  I believe we're stronger that they are.  Our
faith in each other will carry us through whatever obstacles come
into our path.


****
END (1/1)