Disclaimer: Nope, these characters aren't mine.

Category: VA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Requiem
Archive: Gossamer. Spookys. Further X. Others ask me.
Feedback: Knock yourself out. 
Summary: Scully ventilates her feelings and frustrations.
Author Notes at the end of the piece.
Thanks to Sara Lynn for the beta.  Thanks to MD for the 
characterization help and honesty.

"All that's been" (1/1)
by Lisa  
haven599@msn.com


	I wonder if the past seven years is all that will ever be for us. 

	Is this all the time we were allotted?  Time moves so slowly 
now.  I remember when I wanted us to slow down, everything seemed
to be going so fast. Now I feel the opposite.  I wish we were still 
in the car together.  

	I don't remember what I expected when I was partnered with you.
I was young and fresh out of medical school and wanted to be 
respected in my new career in the FBI.  In the beginning, I wondered 
what I did to be assigned to The X-Files division.  The transition 
was difficult.  We didn't exactly come from similar backgrounds. 
I consider myself lucky to have met you.  Now I wonder what I did to 
deserve all this, but for different reasons.  

	I spend a lot of my time in my bed when not working.  My energy
is depleted from another day searching for you. I'm trying not to let
my doubts take over and have my hopes crushed. Just one clue to your 
whereabouts would give me a new found enthusiasm. 

	The loneliness settles in quickly.  More quickly than I thought
possible.  My apartment seems emptier with every passing day.  The
nights are lonely.  The nightmares almost unbearable.  I try not to
dwell on them, and dismiss them as figments of my overactive 
imagination.  If only that imagination could work overtime on a 
happier scenario.

	So far, I'm having a normal pregnancy.  At least there's something
that's normal in our lives.  I hope you will be as excited as I am
about our child. I always felt I would have a child and it was quite
a disappointment to me when I found out I was unable to conceive 
a child naturally.  I never told you how hard that was for me to 
accept that motherhood was out of the equation.  I don't know if 
fatherhood is a priority in your life, or if you've even given it 
some thought.  There's so much I still don't know about you. 

	If I try hard I can almost imagine you resting here with me. 
Making love to me.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday when we 
made love for the very first time.  And sometimes it seems like
such a dim memory I wonder if it happened at all.  

	Those few nights we spent together meant so much to me. Even more
so now that I wonder if we'll have any more to savor.  Would it 
have changed anything if we knew there was a limit?  Would we 
have loved more?  Less? 

	At times I wonder if I am neglecting our child in favor of 
finding you.  I don't get enough sleep or the proper nutrition.  
I know I should take better care of myself than I do.  Our work 
has always been stressful.  When I'm working, I feel I should be
at home resting, when I'm resting I feel I should be working. 
I can't choose between the two of you.  But right now, this is the 
only part of you I have.  I will do anything to protect our child,
Mulder.  

	I miss you.  Why did you leave me?  I know you were trying
to protect me, but it all came out wrong, didn't it? You're gone
and I'm left all alone with this baby.  The baby that you wished
for me.  I should have demanded to come back to Oregon with you,
instead of letting you decide for me.  Why does it seem you are
always making the decisions for us.  How much more hurt can we go
through? 

I need you more than ever now.  And you're not here with me.

This can't be the end of our story. This can't be all that's been.

****
END (1/1)


Author Notes: This story was partially inspired by the song 
"Here With Me" performed by Dido and written by P. Armstrong,
P. Statham, and P. Gabriel.  If you haven't heard it, give it 
a listen next time you're at Media Play or Best Buy. You won't
be disappointed.

Like what you read: 
Come to Lisa's Haven: http://shannono.net/haven/