Title: paranoia (1/1) Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013 and Fox. For shame, I am coveting. Notes: Yes, that is a lower case "p". I'm just trying to be difficult. Classification: Hopefully, this is humor. Maybe a little dark, little stupid. paranoia ===== "This was, of course, the route to madness: viewing *all* of life as one elaborate conspiracy conducted by elite manipulators who see all and know all. The sane understand that human beings are incapable of sustaining conspiracies on a grand scale, because some of our most defining qualities as a species are inattention to detail, a tendency to panic, and an inability to keep our mouths shut. Cosmically speaking, we are barely able to tie our shoes. If there is, indeed, some secret order to the universe, it is not of our doing, and we are probably not even capable of apprehending it." --Dean Koontz, "Nothing to Fear" ===== She was watching him sowly move towards her as if she did not trust him an inch. As if she could not trust him after what he'd done. Mulder sighed and turned to Scully. "You try. The stupid bird won't let me come near her." "Hm, could it be because you were the one to-" "Just do it, Scully." Dana frowned and stood there for an exaggerated period of time to help underline just how little control over her he really had, then turned to the bird, which completely made her earlier statement null and void. He did have control: she just didn't know it. "Come on, sweetie. Come on. It's okay. It's okay." "Ah, Scully, you think it can speak English, or are you humoring me here?" Her teeth ground together. "Humoring you, I suppose. Mulder, it won't trust either of us after you knocked the poor thing." "I didn't mean to." he said loudly, to her and to the bird. She glanced up at him with a smirk. "You think it can speak English, or are you humoring me?" He glared and squatted down on his haunches to where he could see the bird. Her little head darted around and around, looking at him from either side, eyes seemingly inappropriate in such a potentially deadly situation. "Why would God be so stupid?" Dana knocked him to the ground with a well placed blow. "Ouch," grumbled and growled at her. "Seriously. He must be an idiot. The bird's eyes are on the side of her head! How has she survived this long without either running into a tree or simply walking straight into a trap?" "Mulder." she sighed. "Look at her. She's pitifully frightened." "That's because you beaned the creature! She's afraid of you!" "And why? Because some idiot made her with eyes that don't work worth-" "Mulder, seriously, leave it alone." "That brings me to an interesting question, too. If God made this creature so horribly ill-prepared for life, think of the problems when he made us!!" "Mulder, you're nuts. You don't even seem to believe in God." "I do, kind of. But think about it. If I did, I'd be pretty pissed off that he was such a quack at being Creator and everything. Or maybe God did this all for a laugh. Maybe he's up there right now rolling on the clouds as he watches us all twist our heads around like this bird." "Mulder, a bird has eyes like that so it can see what's coming from the sides. You know the term, blind-sided? Well, there you go." Mulder frowned. "So, really, it's a huge conspiracy against us, isn't it? God made us have eyes in front so that we could never see what's coming, yet lull us into this false sense of security that we're the superior species." "Mulder, should I be reserving a psych interview for you?" He looked back to his animal superior, the frightened, helpless bird. "Imagine, this little thing is above us in the -" "Seriously, Mulder, you're freaking me out." Mulder paused. "Yeah, I'm freaking myself out." His eyes strayed from the bird back to her, watching the wariness on her face recede as she saw sanity in his eyes. He smiled. "Good thing I don't believe in that kind of God." "What kind do you believe in?" "Oh, my God's pretty unconcerned with who's on top." "The first shall be last, and the last shall be first," she quoted. "Something like that. Well, let's leave this stupid bird here if it's going to be so untrusting." She stopped and stared at him. "All that and now you want to leave it?" "Sure. Why not?" She stared coldly at him and went back to the bird. "Maybe because I never gave up on you when you were so untrusting." He scoffed and kicked some dirt with a shoe. "But, Scully, this bird doesn't have any reason to be paranoid." "You're not paranoid if there really is someone out to get you." He glared. "I'm not out to get the bird." "It's down here, isn't it? And you're still up there, aren't you?" He sighed loudly and dropped to his knees, trying to show her she could not control him, but saying she did as he scooped up the bird. "Stupid thing is pecking me to death." "If you die of being pecked, I'm not the one who's going to explain to Skinner why you couldn't make it to the meeting." He grinned down at her with a singularly lewd look. "Guess you've never been pecked to death?" She glared and shook her head. "That was frightful Mulder. Have you no shame?" "Nope, just paranoia. I'm relieved to hear you haven't been p-" "Okay, just shut up now." He grinned and got in the passenger side of the car, letting her dig into his jacket pocket for the car keys when they were both inside. He simply looked at her and smiled when she pretended to gag. "OKay, on to the vet." he said loudly. Scully rolled her eyes and wished she had a button to turn him off. ~~~~~