Title: I Hurt (1/1)
Author: RocketMan >lbontger@wmcstations.com<
Disclaimer: Characters belong to CC and FOX.
Rating: Harmless, Hint of MSR
Warning and other: None really, just something that's been on my mind.
First person. Never Again, Tunguska/Terma
Distribute: Gossamer please, and anywhere else.

I Hurt

I hurt. I hurt a lot. Deep inside where it never goes away only feeds
off the little things that happen until it comes boiling through like
anger but it's really not.
When he left me for Russia with Kyreck. That shouldn't have hurt so
much. But it did. Not that I had to save him in front of Congress, by
now that's a job hazard. No, just the small thing that he left me.
Without really saying anything and letting me worry as he was exposed to
the black cancer, or whatever. It doesn't normally hurt, but it did. And
it went down in that crack with all the other small hurts to fuel one
big hurt.
I hurt so bad I can't even stop from crying. It hurts like a broken bone
does when you first feel it break. It hurts like the needle does before
it numbs you into oblivion. It hurts like when the papercut first
becomes noticable. 
It's a sting, or a rushing force, or a slicing wound. Depends on where I
am, who I am with, what I am doing.
With Mulder, it's not so bad. When he leaves, I feel it keenly, almost
like being away from him causes it. But really, loneliness brings it on.
And this hurt is gut wrenching.
I hurt, oh God, I hurt.
Please, please, no more.
When he looked at me, after the whole tattoo thing, with that look that
seemed to say - What are you doing with my Scully? - I felt it like a
knife. It gorged the crack until it became a raging inferno of hurt. And
then he almost said something, but stopped himself. Fruedian slip. It's
my life too - was that it? Or it's my X-Files? My what? My Scully......
But I'm not. I know that. I'm not his, or anyone's. I wish I were, it
would make it so much simpler.
I hurt for what I have become.
I think that's it. I hurt, definitely, but what it's about I am not
sure. I think it's becasue of what I have become.
I mean I can't even look at the cashier in Target without wondering just
a bit. Paranoia to the nth degree. And then sometimes, I am with my
family and I think, I just want to hide out here forever.
It's not that I want to quit. I just am disappointed that all my life
is, or all it will amount to, is more guilt and pain for the people I
love. Nothing good. No husband or child, and that's not as bad, just the
idea of not making a noticable difference. 
I hurt becasue I am thirty something and alone and hate the way I live
and love the job even though it will kill me and love my partner even
though that will kill me too.
It's like a lament in my head, over and over. 
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
"Scully!"
I jerk and look to see Mulder, standing over me with a frightened
expression about to be erased.
"Scully, did you hear me?"
I shake my head no. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt
"Scully, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" he asks.
I frown.
"Scully, come on. I know something's bothering you and if you won't talk
about it, at least let me take your mind off it." he whines, a puppy
look making me melt.
No hurt would be nice, but I'll settle for a distraction.
"Okay, you're on."
He smiles widely, thinking he has accomplished some mighty thing.
I wonder what he would do if I kissed him? Would he kiss me back, or
would I just hurt a bit more?
"Mulder, what would you do if....."
Oh crap, what was I thinking? Oh, great, what an idiot....
"If what?"He smiles knowingly and I wonder if he really does know, or if
he does that look unconsciously.
"If I- uh...never -"
His lips are on mine!
Oh MY GO-
"Scully?" he asks.
I open my eyes to see a very satisfied look. "Yeah?" I say, a little
breathless, a little off guard.
"How about dinner?"
I nod and he lifts me from the chair. Good thing because right now,
there ain't no way I'm walking.
He looks down at me and nods his head to my chest.
"Cold?"
I think I'm going to die.

End
you like marianne? there's your kiss-HA
Adios
RocketMan