Faith By RocketMan lebontrager@harding.edu Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is intended. WARNING::::Post-All Souls, MSR almost ~~~~~ Faith ~~~~~ "You mean accepting my loss?" "Can you accept it?" "Maybe that's what faith is." --All Souls ~~~~~ There was always around her the sense that she was missing something. Her mother was noticing this and she sent her daughter cards, occasionally phoning, even randomly dropping by. Needless to say, Scully didn't enjoy the 'dropping by' especially when every event caused the missing feeling to crest over her in waves. Missing. She didn't know what it was, didn't know how to get around it, or even what to do with it. Missing. She wanted to ask Mulder, wanted to come running up to him and have hime tell her that everything was all right. But he had no belief. And without his belief, she had no strength. ~~~~~ The day dazzled past in a blur of missing time and an autopsy. She fell to her knees when she got home, hitting the couch and slumping into its rigid embrace. There was nothing she could think of to make things better, and nothing she could do to help herself. She was missing something. It ached like a punch to her gut, twisting her insides and creating this sense of now and not yet. Like she was stuck. Stuck in her nothing. Her missing. ~~~~~ There were dreams. Of white lights and music that sounded shrill and harsh, of men bending over her and Japanese words flowing through her mind. Of long faces with long eyes. Of screaming in pain. Of a little girl staring back at me with those eyes that say, "Please, please, Mommy let me go." "Please let me go," ~~~~~ She woke suddenly, sweating, retching over the side of her bed with all the pent up fear and sickening feelings that she never allowed to surface. Scully stumbled to the bathroom and collapsed to the cool floor, letting her mind wander with overwhelming exhaustion. The numbing knowledge that Emily was dead sent her to the darkness of sleep. ~~~~~ There were hands reaching for her, hands and a long face, but no eyes, no mouth, not happiness or love or . . . She screamed, screamed for her savior, her mortal savior that could vanquish any foe, screamed his name with all the strength in her and then felt nothing. Cold. No. Hands. Wake up, I'm sorry, wake up, Scully, Wake up, I didn't mean to let them take you, wake up, I'm here Wake up, Scully. Her eyes flickered and she saw the long face of her Mulder. "Mul...." "Scully, Scully, wake up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this-" She jumped away, out of his arms, off the cold cold floor and covered her chest with her crossed arms. "Mulder." "Scully." "What are you doing here?" "I was supposed to pick you up for the airport, remember? You didn't answer. . ." She shivered and looked away, the way her eyes were cold and dead making him want to take her in his arms again. Apologize until she stopped hurting. "Scully?" "Mulder, just leave." "Scully, I want to know what's going on." "No, Mulder, you don't really want to know. You'd find it hurt too much if you did." He stared at her for a long moment. "I'll be out in a second, Mulder. Let me get dressed." ~~~~~ More dreams on the plane. Dreams of little girls dying, dreams of seraphims taking away her children, taking away Mulder, taking away Samantha. She stayed awake when she could, but she had no sleep the night before and Mulder was letting her head fall to his shoulder. Resting on his shoulder. It was nice. Soft feeling. Comforting. When she sat up again, it was missing. Just like everything else in her life. Missing. ~~~~~ "Can you accept it?" She blanched, felt her face grow pale and limp. "What?" "Scully?" Mulder reached out for her just as she felt her body give way. can you accept it maybe maybe maybe that's what faith is what belief is where strength comes from ~~~~~ Mulder's eyes met hers when she was brought from outer darkness. She cleared her throat and was glad she had blacked out in her hotel room, with Mulder there to catch her. "Scully?" "Mulder, I- I . . ." She paused, realized this was something, somewhere he could never go with her. This was her sorrow, and ultimately, her journey. There was nothing he could do to make it easier. Nothing to give her strength. She had to find that on her own. Find her faith, and there. . . there would her strength lie also. ~~~~~ Dreams. Of a tiny face with blonde hair and blue eyes and a grin that rivaled Mulder's when she joked around with him and a cross, dangling in the light a cross and a loss a pain so deep she would keep it in her forever forever and heaven eternity and then then the peace the knowing that seraphim - God - love had taken her daughter from the hate and the waste of the world. And in that loss that cross was her faith. ~~~~~ end adios RM