Series: Emily Dickinson 2 Title: Slant of Light Author: RM >lebontrager@iname.com< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is intended. NOTES:::: Spoilers for all of US6, and this picks off where the first one ended. Please read ED 1. ~~~~ Slant of Light ~~~~ There's a certain Slant of light, Winter Afternoons-- That oppresses, like the Heft Of Cathedral Tunes-- Heavenly Hurt, it gives us-- We can find no scar, But internal difference, Where the Meanings, are-- None may teach it--Any-- 'Tis the Seal Despair-- An imperial affliction Sent us of the Air-- When it comes, the Landscape listens-- Shadows--hold their breath-- When it goes, 'tis like the Distance On the look of Death-- --Emily Dickinson, #258 ~~~~ Mulder danced from toe to toe, wondering if he should leave, or follow her. He was always moving away from things, that was part of the problem, right? Yeah, but if she wasn't willing to talk, he'd end up alienating her even more. The silent whirring of the CD moved it on to an orchestral piece, still on the soundtrack, with soft strings escalating in frenzy until they were high pitched wailings, banshees in lament. He shivered and moved to the hall, hesitant. The walls were too close, and he moved back, into the open space of the living room, rubbing his thumb and finger together in nervous circles. His actions here were going to be very important, he could *feel* it, way down deep in him, reverberating through his bones like the music blasting from her stereo. The walls bent back into something unknown, a future that would be determined by whatever move he made right here, whatever he decided in this instant. He held his breath, twisting his head back and forth from the hall to the front door, indecisive, unsure, frightened almost. Sighing, Mulder moved to the window, slumping as his feet carried him forward, resting against the ledge there. The thin curtains billowed around him as he displaced the air, then settled like fairies around his body, clingy and gentle. The sky was grey with soupy clouds that blocked the sun, a kind of general melancholia that pierced his soul with its sorrow. The buildings rising high to each side of the apartment complex were stretched thin and bony, husks of former beauty that scratched at the grey drab of life, but never pushed through. Pressing his forehead to the cool chill of the window pane, Mulder glanced thoughtfully at the smudged glass, seeing numerous fingerprints and palm impressions. How many times had she done this same thing, leaning against the window and feeling so trapped, so desolate? His fingertips touched the whorls and ridges marked upon the window, feeling a strange connection with her at such a trivial thing. She stood here and sighed at the world, wishing someone would come to take her mind off the dreariness of a permanent winter. He stood here and sighed at the world, wishing someone would come and sweep away his fear of the dreariness of a permanent winter. Same wishes, final results. Nothing. Such a sad, soft wish, such a hopeful thing sometimes, wondering if today someone would come, wondering if the grey clouds would lift and the sun shine bright bright upon her face. Mulder closed his eyes. He had to go in to her, had to follow this time. They were living in a permanent winter, where slants of light reminded them of former glorious times, and a sudden spark would ignite the tinderbox of emotions. They were burning alive, but so cold. So far apart. Mulder slid to the floor, eyes closed and cheek flush agains the cold of the window, missing the tears that escaped down his cheek. This was so awful. So awful. ~~~~ She was surprised, he could see that without even a flicker across her face or a change in her eyes. He pushed into her bedroom and sat down on the lone upholstered chair, a familiar place that reminded him of darker times. She sat back down on her bed, then crossed her arms, frowning at him. "Mulder," she said, and waited, giving him the opportunity to bail out quickly. He shrugged. "How's this for aggressive?" he murmured. Scully's eyes glinted with something he couldn't identify, and he realized that had been happening a lot lately. Unidentifiable flying Scully-emotions. Mulder sat back easily in the chair, but his bouncing leg gave away his nervousness, causing her mouth to turn up in a smile. "What are you doing, Mulder?" He shrugged. "Waiting for something to happen." She licked her lips and shook her head. "Like what?" "Like a nasty fight, or maybe nasty sex. Who knows? Maybe nothing again and we'll keep being so stupid about all this." She frowned. "Right." He shrugged again and crossed his own arms, staring at her with a mixture of a challenge and hope. "Which do you want, Mulder? A fight or sex?" He worked his jaw and gave her a brief, sad smile. "At this point, anything you give me would be better than nothing." She turned her head away, somewhat ashamed at the conversation, but relieved that something was being said. "I tried, Mulder." "Sex?" She snorted and gave him a brief frown meant as a rebuke, but taken as encouragement. "I tried to make you understand, but you just don't." He leaned forward eagerly, snagging his elbows on the armrest of the chair. "Make me, Scully. Make me understand." She sighed. "Maybe I'm being selfish, or hopelessly expectant. I thought after all this time that the years would mean something. But nothing ever changes. I get hurt, you get hurt, we resolve to make it better. It never gets better. *We* never get better. How come?" She said it with such innocence, such honest remorse and feeling, that he felt her question like a knife in his gut, twisting and wrenching. "I don't know, Scully. Things get so closed off, with both of us. I don't know how to fix that." She was getting into the talking thing now, letting her mouth ramble on, maybe more than she should. "I don't want us to be closed off, Mulder. I want it to be like it was. . .innocent and so. . .so exciting." He gave her a weak grin, figuring that old way to be lost to them. She shook her head. "I think we're trying to hard. I feel more alone the more we pull each other closer." "No pulling, right? No pushing. Neither one is getting us anywhere." She shrugged. "That's because we pull at the wrong times." He gave her a dog-eared grin that earned him a soft smile. "I forget, Scully. What are we talking about again? Tug-of-war?" She shook her head. "Feels like it, doesn't it?" He nodded. "So let's stop trying." He nodded again and then stood up, a hint of teasing in his eyes, a flicker of seriousness. "So, how about that sex, now, Scully?" She shoved him away and stood up on her bed, making her taller than him for once. "Ha. You wish. Get going, Mulder." He shook his head and reached for her waist. "Sorry, no. I want something from you." A fleeting look of panic escaped her control, but he smiled and softened his touch. "I want you to promise me that you believe." She opened her mouth to retort, but he closed his fingers over her lips. "I want you to promise that you believe me when I say this. . .you are the only person I trust, Scully. The only one." She slumped in his hold, looking away. "If that's true, why didn't you believe me about Diana?" He laughed softly. "Scully, do you always believe me about the mutants, the monsters, the aliens, or the government?" She softly shook her head. "And the proof I get for the things I believe in, and you don't believe in, isn't it always different from the proof you need?" She thought about that for a moment then nodded in agreement. "So when I give you my proof, my solid proof, don't you refuse to believe?" Scully's eyes softened and she gave a sheepish nod, feeling ridiculous for her actions. "I see. Just because I give you my form of proof, doesn't mean you ought to immediately believe me." He nodded. "I know you trust me, Scully. Hell, I wouldn't be in your bedroom right now if you didn't. But you don't always believe me. You don't *want* to believe me. Well, I just didn't want to believe you either." She sighed and leaned down, placing a soft kiss to his forehead, mimicking his own actions of previous times. His eyes closed and he let out a deep breath. "I promise," she whispered and let his arms pull her into a tight hug. ~~~~ end ED2 adios RM